Everyone tends to think of the
proverbial wolf in sheep's clothing as the foremost analogy of a
manipulator and deceiver, a timeless example of behavior that an
agrarian culture would understand very well. We understand the many
benefits gained by a predator if they can lull us into vulnerability
and the devastating consequences if we allow a predator access to the
intimate aspects of our lives. I've also read of the analogy of the
snake who seeks entry into your home. They don't come pounding on
the door, announcing who they are and what they want. A snake can
challenge the perimeter of your home by looking for cracks in the
foundation of the building, or they can try to find an open,
insecure, or unguarded window or door through which they can pass
undetected. They can lay in wait indefinitely before they will need
to feed again, and by then, they know the surroundings and can take
advantage of strategy that they've had ample time to plan.
The best way to deal with a dangerous
predator involves identifying them so that you can deny them entry,
or at least, you can deny them access to that which is precious.
With manipulation and exploitation, the old adage holds true: An
ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. Knowing how a
predator behaves can be your only indicator of their identity,
likely why the verses in the Bible concerning this topic focus
primarily on identifying behavior, fruit, and motive. Only ten
percent of the verses in the Bible dealing with false prophets, false
teachers, and Pharisees taught to examine behavior. 90% of the
instruction in the Bible concerns identifying them through behavior
and motive.
To help people become more savvy and
skilled at spotting manipulators, much of the material on this
website concerns ways in which you can spot a manipulator. Knowing
what motivates them and how they tend to approach their mark gives
people an edge that can protect them. I love how Harriet Braiker's
book on the many aspects of manipulation and manipulators states the
intended goal for learning these facts:
From Braiker's Who's
Pulling Your Strings? (pg 122):
Remember, at first the manipulation may be camouflaged as “benign influence,” but once the manipulation shifts to coercion and the pressure starts to build, the manipulator can hold powerful sway over you… By knowing what you really desire and/or what you most fear losing, you are gaining an edge over a would-be manipulator who tries to exploit those deeply felt desires of yours. Knowing what they are allows you to keep your antennae raised so that you are in a better position to spot manipulation when it is on you.
In
short, it is important to remember that manipulators don't think like
non-manipulative people. In comparison to others who are not
particularly manipulative personalities, manipulative people tend to
manifest certain character traits:
- Informally charming
- Self-centered
- Entitlement issues
- Trust issues (can manifest as competition)
- Tend towards denial and/or wishful thinking as a means of coping
- Tend to see things in absolute terms (black and white thinking; seeing all matters as win-loose situations, and they are determined to win)
- Tend to have trouble with shared decision-making and shared power
- Tend to moralize by making themselves seem superior, creating the illusion that others are less moral then they are, making others seem less deserving or undeserving of common respect and worth
Taken
to extremes, these traits can be very exaggerated, becoming
pathologic. Their exaggerated sense of entitlement and
self-centeredness interferes with their ability to identify with
others.
They loose the ability to feel appropriate empathy for others.
Their sense of narcissism and self-absorption overrides their sense
of right and wrong, and this loss of perspective facilitates the use
and abuse of the rights of others as they attempt to achieve personal
goals. Their
minds work very differently
than do the minds of people who are not psychopathic/sociopathic.
Good, earnest, and trusting people who fail to recognize these traits
tend to anticipate what they would do in a relationship, so they fail
to anticipate the danger that a psychopath/sociopath poses. It
never occurs to the person of good integrity that
anyone would behave without any at all, and they subsequently place
themselves in harm's way because of misplaced trust or a health sense
of distrust.
Here
is a summary of most of the material about the characteristics of
manipulators appearing on this website, though it is by no means
comprehensive.
Characteristics
of Manipulators
(who
aren't necessarily cult leaders)
- Charming, Nice and Easily Approachable (A focus on Hank Hanegraaff's positive opinion about Teen Mania's Ron Luce as a nice guy with good ethics)
- Charisma of Spiritual Abusers (From Lalich and Tobias in Captive Hearts, Captive Minds, republished as Take Back Your Life)
Unique
Perceptions of Manipulators
- Braiker on How Manipulators View the World (Substantially different from how most people view relationships and the way in which the world works)
- About Con Artists (includes manipulators, too) (Sense of superiority and the goal of getting people to give the manipulator what they want)
Characteristics
of Psychopaths/Sociopaths
(a.k.a.
Con Artists and Cult Leaders)
- Psychopathic Features in Spiritual Abusers (Defining psychopathy)
- Profile of a Psychopath (List of foremost common characteristics from Lalich and Tobias in Captive Hearts, Captive Minds, republished as Take Back Your Life)
- Characteristics of a Spiritual Con Artist (Shared dynamics with domestic violence situations – Lalich and Tobias)
- Con Artist Characteristics (Distinguishing characteristics including the ability to rationalize away criticism and delusions of self-importance from Chuch Whitlock's Scam School)
- George Simon on the Characteristics of Wolves in Sheep's Clothing (Personality traits and types from In Sheep's Clothing: Understanding and Dealing With Manipulative People)
- The Authoritarian Power Dynamic (List of behaviors of manipulators in relationships, Lalich and Tobias)
- The Chameleon Con Artist (Whitlock)
- What Makes for a Great Con Artist? (Good vs. great confidence tricksters per Whitlock)
- Paranoia in Spiritual Abusers (Lalich and Tobias)
- On Spiritual Scams and Fraud (How to spot spiritual frauds per Whitlock)
- The Con Artist You Can Trust! (From an article in Christianity Today's Leadership journal)
- God or Man? (Wondering about who is at fault for the harm suffered)
- Caged Within Your Own Mind (Quote from Margaret Singer about con artists and frauds)
Who
becomes a spiritual abuser? Why and How
- What Type of Person Becomes a Spiritual Abuser? (Lalich and Tobias)
- Who Becomes a Spiritual Abuser? (Focus on Lifton's research concerning the process of rationalizing and justifying manipulative systems allowing spiritual abusers to see their questionable behavior as good and moral, in the best interests of others and the greater good)
- Psychological “Doubling” in Manipulative Authority Figures (How the survival in a spiritually abusive system requires that leaders and followers suppress their own personalities and thought in order to survive the demands of a spiritually abusive group)
Vlogs
- “Narcissistic Pastor Disorder” (Vlogger talks about the characteristics of manipulative ministers)
- Video Primer on Spiritual Abuse (Vlog which includes character traits of manipulative and spiritually abusive ministers)
Predictable
Techniques of Manipulators
- Cult of One (How manipulative people dominate people in one-on-one relationships and characteristics of unhealthy relationships from Lalich and Tobias.)
- How Manipulators Use Projection (“You're the Problem, not me!” - quote from Braiker)
- How Manipulators Exploit Vulnerability (Unhealthy relationships set up dynamics that confine, coerce, and entangle others)
- The Manipulative Shift (The motivation of gaining undue power in a relationship)
- Stop Helping the Manipulator (Deciding whether to extract oneself from a manipulative setting or whether to stay and resist, noting some aspects of why manipulators attempt to manipulate)
- Spotting Logical Fallacies and Propaganda Techniques (A list of common tactics used by manipulators and spiritually abusive gurus to deceive the unsuspecting)
- Considering the Biblical Model of Examining Behavior to Identify a Spiritual Abuser (Only 10% of the information in the Bible concerning spiritual con artists and abusers talks about doctrine. The rest concerns behavior, fruit and motive.)
- Index of Posts Defining Spiritual Abuse (See the “Examples of Manipulative Techniques” section)
Exploiting
the Internet
- Disadvantages and Risks of Relationships Developed Online (Many manipulators use the internet to establish a false illusion of intimacy in order to prey on trust.)
Resistance
and Recovery
- Recovering from Con Artists (From Lalich and Tobias in Captive Hearts, Captive Minds, republished as Take Back Your Life)
- George Simon on Resisting Influence (Methods for making yourself less prone to manipulation by knowing yourself, your own motivations, and your own beliefs.)
- Robert Cialdini's Review of the “Weapons of Influence” (Human traits and tendencies upon which manipulators capitalize in order to get what they want)
- Michael Persinger On Resisting Influence (A Neurophysiologist's thoughts on tactics of group manipulation by spiritual gurus)