Honest Questions for the Botkins

I still find myself shaking my head when I look at this letter that I received from the Botkins.

It elucidated several facts for me: people still remain ignorant of the manner in which spiritual abusers today manipulate Matthew 18, people still refer to this blog for all kinds of information, and if the daughters of Geoffrey Botkin actually wrote to me without prompting or coaching, I affirmed for myself that I didn't target them. I called out their father on his fringe behavior, his spin doctor habits, and 'new' aberrant teachings that he pieced together from things that he cherry picked from very old news.

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An Example of the Anatomy and Physiology of Spiritual Abuse: Mahaney, T4G and the Gospel Coalition

In then next few days, I will feature a post written by a university professor who left Evangelicalism because of how poorly the Church responded to his needs. He references the similar plight of a population of people within the Sovereign Grace Ministries (SGM) network of churches as an example of his frustration with his own matter of concern. Prior to diving into his contribution here, I wanted to focus back on how spiritual abuse works using the example of recent events  and problems concerning SGM. The misuse and abuse of authority through rigid systems allows a fleeting virtuous end to justify ever more questionable and unethical means. Soon, the individual that the system was meant to aid them finds themselves crushed by it instead, and the system blackmails the individual by claiming to govern their eternal fate. 

For many years, several parents and families endeavored to engage their church leaders to adequately and appropriately attend to the needs of all of those who were ill affected what emerged as a pattern of of both physical and sexual abuse that insulated abusers. When these change agents failed, they filed a class action civil lawsuit against SGM leaders for decades of unreported child physical and sexual abuse, attempts to cover up these cases, and for the pain and shame suffered by those who were manipulated to remain silent.

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Defining Forgiveness and Reconciliation

Originally posted in April 2012

Before moving on to discuss how certain spiritually abusive groups like the Shepherding Discipleship Churches and organizations like Peacemaker Ministries can misuse Scripture to bring harm to other Christians by demanding immediate forgiveness and unqualified reconciliation, a review of the concepts is in order.

What is Forgiveness?

In the context of the culture and the original language of the New Testament, the word forgiveness was a term that was usually applied to money. If someone owes you money and does not pay it to you, you have the right to go to them to demand that amount from them. If you forgive them that debt, you waive your rights to collect on the debt. The term aphiēmi and the related derivatives of the word refer only to leaving the matter alone, but the fact of the matter of the debt still exists. It is not necessarily forgotten, but a person makes a conscious choice to abandon or ignore the matter.

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Facing Your Spiritual Abuser: Index of Posts About the Star Chamber and the Hot Seat

Sometimes, members of a high demand group or a spiritually abusive church are called in to sessions of confrontation with their group leadership, pastors, and elders in order to intimidate them and to secure their compliance with group demands. And quite often, when people discover problems with manipulation, doctrine, or exploitation within their spiritually abusive church, they feel responsible to inform their leadership. Many people seek out their leaders to inform their leaders that they are leaving their group, just as a courtesy, to find personal closure, and sometimes, to hopefully make their spiritual abuser aware of the hurtful if not harmful nature of their actions – a personal courtesy to them.

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Forgiveness and Reconciliation Interlude: A Review of Terms and Factors

Originally published April 2012

Forgiveness is a term used to describe money transactions, something that can help us better understand the concept. To forgive a debt means to relinquish the right to collect what is owed to you. One can treat offenses or wrongdoing in the same way that they handle financial debt, releasing the person who has wronged them from owing them a moral debt or duty to make right the wrong that they suffered.

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The Radical Act of Following the Spirit, God's Optimistic Response, and Commitment to Holiness: Coming Full Circle on Matthew 18

 If we look back on all that Matthew tells us of what Jesus said on the day that He uttered the entire discourse in Matthew Chapter 18, there are many difficult things that we must balance. Forgiveness is hard work, but so is respect for God's holiness, as well as the fear and trembling commitment we must make as Christians to mortify (to put to death) the nature of our flesh every day. To have less of myself and my desires so that the nature and image of Christ in me can increase, I must set aside my own desires and make a commitment to do what the standard of the Bible clearly delineates as true and good.

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How Did the Jews Treat the Tax Collector, and How Should Christians Treat Christians Who Refuse to Repent of Sin?

Though the matter of the principles established in Matthew 18:15-17 have been reviewed, nothing has been said about how a person should be treated on a practical level if they refuse to repent of sin, even after the matter has been taken before the local church for other members to plead with them. Some Christians believe that the passage should be interpreted to mean that the person should be marked and avoided in the same manner that a harmful and divisive person or false teacher should be treated. Some believe that the person should be treated no different than any other non-Christian, but that they should not go out of their way to spend any kind of meaningful social time with them. The interaction should not be one of hard-hearted disregard, but it should not be a comfortable association in the way that close friends behave with one another.

The matter of differing opinions warrants a review.

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Postulating Matthew 18 as Love for Sinners that is Balanced with Respect for the Destructive Nature of Sin

 

I received an email from a kind and gentle pastor past week who wrote to me about the use of Matthew 18 as a model for church discipline. The passage does talk about sin, and as he put it, the offended person doesn't necessarily need to take the offense all the way through the process, requiring that a matter be taken before the congregation. The passage does present a model for confronting another believer about sin over which they do not repent, and if a church leader needs to confront one of their parishioners, this is certainly a good model which lays out principles for doing that. As Pastor Johnson noted, however, he sees it as more of a matter of principles as opposed to a formal procedure.

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More Masticating on Matthew 18: Thoughts From Readers and Other Sundry Sources

A few people have commented to me about my example of a woman who was “Matthew 18'ed” (a process of the misuse of the passage to have her family thrown out of fellowship) over issues related to her children and volleyball games.  Some people have also offered other observations, some of which echo previous posts on this topic. They've given me permission to post some of their thoughts on the subject.

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Turning Matthew 18 into a Litigious Process and Using the “Big Lie” to Disguise It

 

I don't know that I can even begin to list all of the personal experiences that others have related to me concerning the misuses of Scripture within spiritually abusive churches. There are too many to count. At this point, as I listen and find myself plugging in the specifics into that predictable pattern of manipulative techniques, forgetting most of the details. If the so called “Matthew 18 Process” has been used to declare a person non-Christian for the obvious purpose of silencing their voice in a court of law, I tend to remember that distinction. But from time to time, some of the personal details seem more memorable.

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Should or Can We Tell the Secrets of the Star Chamber? Discernment, Shouting Error from the Rooftops and Naming Names

Below is a widely cited and noted sermon about exposing error that I was given permission to post several years ago. I apparently never posted it but will offer it here now, considering its relevance over the discussion that has arisen regarding the Joyful Exiles and the Mark Driscoll/Mars Hill controversy.

I don't share all of the opinions on all counts offered by Pastor Bynum, but I don't know that there's a soul alive with whom I share all of the same opinions. :) He offers a great review of the Scriptures concerning behavior and discernment. It goes hand in hand with Dr. Paul Martin's material about noting behavior, fruit and motive of abusive ministers, and that only 10% of Scriptures that address spiritual abusers deal with doctrine.

IS IT RIGHT:

To Judge,

To Expose Error,

and To Call Names?

Sermon by E.L. Bynum

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Stepping Forward On Behalf of the Abused and Bringing Injustice Into the Light (If the Reformers had Access to the Internet, Don't You Think They Would Use It?)

 ~~~

Four years ago Kevin Johnson preached a great series of sermons about the proper love and care of people by their pastors and also wrote the blog post that was republished here last week. When I wrote to him to write something that could be posted here on this topic, he also sent along some additional discussion that took place elsewhere online. The matter became a fresh topic of conversation here because of the Petrys' online posting about their experience of spiritual abuse at Mark Driscoll's Mars Hill Church.

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More on the Misunderstanding and Misapplication of Matthew 18: An Excuse to Draw Church Members Into the Star Chamber

 A review and further exploration of this modest passage of three verses Scripture.

Dealing with a Sinning Brother

“Moreover if your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault between you and him alone. If he hears you, you have gained your brother.  But if he will not hear, take with you one or two more, that ‘by the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established.’  And if he refuses to hear them, tell it to the church. But if he refuses even to hear the church, let him be to you like a heathen and a tax collector.  Matthew 18:15-17

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Principles Not Procedures: Understanding the Meaning of Matthew 18

Guest Post by Kevin D. Johnson

Originally published at Reformed Catholicism.com

June 2008 and April 1, 2012

Read more about "RC"

(emphasis added to original text by blog host)

 

No one doubts that Matthew 18 is a relevant passage in dealing with resolving offenses between brothers, but the procedure outlined in Matthew 18:15-17 is set in a very specific context that is often overlooked. In churches where spiritual abuse is occurring particularly at the hands of ministers and pastors who rule by fear, intimidation, and the inordinate and inappropriate use of Scripture–passages like this can become a very powerful weapon to accomplish and maintain abuse instead of legitimate repentance and reconciliation.

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What is Matthew 18 and How Do Spiritual Abusers Misuse It to Manipulate and Control?

For the benefit of those who read here who may not be familiar with the passage, the 18^th Chapter of the Book of Matthew in the New Testament deals with the themes of sin, offense, and forgiveness. Verses 15 through 19 of the chapter concern the words of Jesus' instructions about how to approach another member of your local assembly or faith community after they've sinned against you. It seems to echo the Sermon on the Mount that Jesus gave wherein He encourages peace, tolerance, and forgiveness among brothers in the faith (Matthew 5:21- 26).

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Does Scripture Address the Star Chamber Itself?

 

I believe that it does. Consider also the Scriptures that discuss Spiritual Abuse as well.

As previously stated repeatedly at this point, I think that the greatest disadvantage that people have when walking into these meetings involves a naïve and very optimistic view which lends itself to some unrealistic expectations. I also understand, on the other hand, how they are needful for some people who believe that they have a duty to say certain things directly to their ministers, and I respect that. In fact, I've done it myself on many occasions. Sometimes such meetings seem needful because they serve as the moment of realization that the group is truly abusive, emotionally and spiritually. I hope that the information on my blog will help you realize what I did not and will help you to anticipate what you will be facing.

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Practical Considerations for Confrontation of a Pastor with Spiritually Abusive Tendencies: When You Decide that You Must Go to the Star Chamber

A few years ago, right after several parishioners at Sovereign Grace Ministries (SGM) in the Northern Virginia Area came forward publicly about the lack of proper care and the outright abuse they the victims were met with concerning child molesters in their midst, some of those involved were determined to go to CJ Mahaney in order to seek justice. Mahaney was the highest authority within the church system, and it was felt by some that if they could approach Mahaney directly with their concerns, that they would be heard and he would personally make amends needful for healing. After all, he was such a good and earnest man, wasn't he? He cries all the time, so it proves that he's compassionate, right? Knowing his history with People of Destiny as a cultic group through my own former church, and according to the “old” Cult Awareness Network, I offered some advice.

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If You Choose to Go to Star Chamber Confrontations with Ministers, At Least Be Knowledgable About Abuse

Consider how to best prepare yourself!

 Recent posts here discussed the risks that a person faces, but there are also smart ways to prepare for meetings of confrontations with spiritually abusive leadership. In addition to knowledge about spiritual abuse as discussed in this post, there are pragmatic and physical measures that one can take in addition to exploring what the Bible has to say about such meetings, if it mentions them at all.

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Questions About the Hot Seat/Star Chamber: Work Related Issues – Working for a religious group and working for a secular employer who uses manipulative tactics.

 Question #5: What if you work for the church?

When You're Just a Member and Not an Employee

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Questions About the Hot Seat/Star Chamber: Don't Church Leaders Realize Just How Abusive They Are?

 

Thank you, David Hayward

Question #4: How could they have not known what they were doing? How could my pastor have said and done such awful things to me and my family?

One does not have to be part of a spiritually abusive denomination or religious movement to encounter spiritually abusive behavior. Many reading this post will have had nothing to do with a church that follows set practices that advocate a formal, abusive “authority-submission structure.” However, I suspect that many people identify with the problem. Many people have thought much better of their religious leaders, only to be disappointed by them. Sometimes that is a failing in the system that a group follows, and sometimes, it is just a failing in individuals.

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