In
the last post, I defined what I call the “epiphany moment” –
the moment at which a member of a spiritually abusive group finally
begins to consciously consider that the pain that they endure to be a
part of the group may not be worth it. Whatever benefit they gain
just isn't worth the compromise that they're asked to make or the
collateral damage suffered. Within the context of the
cycle of spiritual abuse, this moment of realization usually
falls within the Confrontation Phase of the process after conflict
and tension has built up over the course of time spent in the group. Another former member once described this moment by using the analogy
of a shelf upon which memories of confusing experiences and doubts
were stored but avoided. One day, your shelf just breaks, and you
must make a moral choice. Do you step back from membership to deal
with the doubts and the things you overlooked, or do you turn the
shelf of doubt into a heap on the floor so that you can return to the
convenience of your life within the group?
Ever feel “caught between a rock and a hard place?” Living life makes some frustrating situations unavoidable at some point, so such cliché’s develop because these “truisms” describe a universal and uncomfortable experience very well. Prince Hamlet certainly understood this saying! But if you’ve been a member or participant with an ideological group or in a relationship with a very demanding person, you definitely identify with the ongoing experience of a “no win” situation in a unique way, even though it is hard to describe sometimes. Because of human nature, we tend to cope with this kind of situational stress, interpersonal stress, and social pressure within a group in predicable ways. Just like certain physical illnesses produce specific physical symptoms, high stress relationships that place consistent pressure and demands upon people push them into predictable ways of coping with the inconsistencies that become an inevitable element of manipulation.
Even if you’ve left a manipulative group or a relationship some time ago, you may still experience the feelings and sensations that ex-members commonly experience immediately after leaving a group. They can be brief or can emerge unexpectedly as more of a lingering annoyance or problem, even after you feel as though you’ve made a lot of progress and grown beyond them in the past. Know that this is a very normal and healthy experience. The experience results from your own good brain doing what it is supposed to do – it is protecting you.
I received this email from someone, and after writing it *[my response], I decided that it would make a great blog post about cognitive dissonance. I also struggled with this myself in the early years after leaving my spiritually abusive church.
But, sad to say, my thinking has become tainted, I suppose, by reading the No Longer Quivering blog, where many, if not most, of the guest bloggers and commenters are former Christians. So, as I read about cognitive dissonance, I wondered if the whole Christian conversion experience can actually be viewed as being a result of cognitive dissonance taking its course, rather than being the work of the Holy Spirit.
You have to figure out who converted you and what they converted you into. Was it the Holy Spirit or the exploited desires of your own heart that talked you into getting out of your own driver’s seat? How much of what you learned was really true? What did you put up with but didn’t think was right? What did you think was truth at the time? What do you know now? You have a lot of work to do if you want to do it right -- to rebuild your spiritual house.
Watching some of the footage from the Haiti earthquake, it struck me that it might be an analogy for what it is like to rebuild your life after this kind of thing has rocked your world. It is painful, hard, and intimidating, but it does have its blessings. If the building or the foundation of your faith was flawed (and all of us do have such flaws), you have a chance to rebuild it right. As you do this hard work and “heavy lifting,” you gain some muscle.
First, consider that the word “repent” in derives from the Greek “metanoia” which is a compound word that translates literally into “a change of mind.”“Noia” means “to think with your mind.”“Meta” means “after” with the implication of “change” such as it appears in the English word “metamorphosis.” Actually, Romans 12:2 uses “meta” in the compound word “metamorphoo” for our English word of “transformed,” directing us to “Be not conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what (is) that good, and acceptable, and perfect will of God.”
Wake up, Neo! Right-brained creatures like me like to find analogies to explain and convey information, understanding, connotation and emotion to others.
When communicating what the realization of my spiritual abuse experience was like, I identify best with the “Matrix” films. Like “Neo” was before “Trinity” and “Morpheus” make contact with him, both my husband and I knew something was desperately wrong with our church, but we just didn’t have all the adequate language to articulate it in its fullness.
It was, as Morpheus describes, the “splinter in the mind” that drove us mad. As time progressed and as we sought out help and wisdom, our first visit to our Exit Counselor together was very much the “taking of the red pill” and awakening in a world that seemed bleak and colorless for quite some time.
Ever feel “caught between a rock and a hard place?” Living life makes some frustrating situations unavoidable at some point, so such cliché’s develop because these “truisms” describe a universal and uncomfortable experience very well. Prince Hamlet certainly understood this saying! But if you’ve been a member or participant with an ideological group or in a relationship with a very demanding person, you definitely identify with the ongoing experience of a “no win” situation in a unique way, even though it is hard to describe sometimes. Because of human nature, we tend to cope with this kind of situational stress, interpersonal stress, and social pressure within a group in predicable ways. Just like certain physical illnesses produce specific physical symptoms, high stress relationships that place consistent pressure and demands upon people push them into predictable ways of coping with the inconsistencies that become an inevitable element of manipulation.
You have to figure out who converted you and what they converted you into. Was it the Holy Spirit or the exploited desires of your own heart that talked you into getting out of your own driver’s seat? How much of what you learned was really true? What did you put up with but didn’t think was right? What did you think was truth at the time? What do you know now? You have a lot of work to do if you want to do it right -- to rebuild your spiritual house.
