Exploring Forgiveness And Reconciliation: An Index of Posts

Several weeks ago, I sat down to write two or three blog posts on forgiveness and reconciliation as an aspect of how spiritual abusers use shame and condemnation to control followers. They were intended to finish up some loose strings and unfinished items as a part of this series of posts exploring how to best confront a spiritual abuser. Many churches use Matthew 18 as a way of berating people to subtly force them into complying with extra-Biblical requirements, a primary passage concerning forgiveness. I realized that I couldn't rightfully explore reconciliation without also including forgiveness. My effort to write just a few posts turned into something of an adventure exploring forgiveness as well as how abusers of all varieties exploit trust.

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Hesitant to Reconcile? Steve Cornell on Forgiveness and Reconciliation

From Pastor Cornell's Moving from Forgiveness to Reconciliation

In this last post of this series exploring the differences between forgiveness and reconciliation and the pitfalls of treating them as the same thing, I would be remiss in not encouraging you to read Steve Cornell's post on the topic.

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How Betrayal Bonds Exploit Trust and Power: Merging Forgiveness and Reconciliation

One of the great mistakes that we can make, especially as Christians, involves the merging of forgiveness and reconciliation, something that puts individuals at risk in both one on one relationships and within spiritually abusive systems. Research indicates that many religious systems and clergymen tend to view the acts and processes as one and the same, whereas counselors generally view them as separate. Counselors tend to pay more attention to the pitfalls of forcing reconciliation because of the problems suffered by the offended as they deal directly with the fallout.

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The Problems of Merging Forgiveness and Reconciliation: Be Wary of Exploitation by Christian Mediation via Spiritual Abuse

Before jumping into the topic, let's review some of the ideas already established in this series of posts before moving on to the abuse of trust and power by Christian mediation services.

In Review

     Forgiveness and reconciliation differ from one another, a topic addressed in this previous post. Both forgiveness and repentance involve grieving, and both take time. Fast forgiveness can actually work against healing and restoration through denial, just as much as bitterness can.

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The Other Type of Forgiveness: Releasing the Debt While Looking to God for Justice

Someone offends you, you examine what has happened to you, and you take stock of your situation. You work through denial, anger, bargaining, depression and you finally accept that you've suffered loss. You've avoided premature forgiveness and didn't just use denial to make difficult problems just magically go away. You've also resisted seeing forgiveness as a work to be performed – something you must give in order to get benefit – a misunderstanding of forgiveness in the Lord's Prayer as some mere ritual that actually thwarts the process of true forgiveness by rushing through it.

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What Forgiveness IS NOT

From Lewis Smedes' Forgive and Forget: Healing the Hurts We Don't Deserve:

What Forgiveness Isn't

• Forgiving is not forgetting.

• Forgiving is not smothering conflict.

• Forgiving is not tolerance or excusing injustice, nor is it rationalizing away or minimizing a wrong done.

• Forgiving is not the absence of conflict.

     ("If two people agree, only one of them is necessary.")

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Challenging the Denial on Both Sides of Cheap, Feigned Forgiveness

There has been much written on the subject of forgiveness as I noted in an earlier post which mentions the work of a few Christian authors including Augsburger, Smedes, and Wilson. 

I hope to continue highlight other more subtle things about the journey of forgiveness that most people tend to miss, especially the aspects that are relevant to those who are in recovery from spiritual abuse. As Christians, we should seek to do things in the way the Bible tells, especially concerning forgiveness, considering that God forgives us without us meriting it, and we are called to be transformed in character to be like our Savior. Still, no matter how much we study, there's always a possibility that we do not understand what the Biblical texts try to communicate.  And we might not agree.

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Defining Forgiveness and Reconciliation

Originally posted in April 2012

Before moving on to discuss how certain spiritually abusive groups like the Shepherding Discipleship Churches and organizations like Peacemaker Ministries can misuse Scripture to bring harm to other Christians by demanding immediate forgiveness and unqualified reconciliation, a review of the concepts is in order.

What is Forgiveness?

In the context of the culture and the original language of the New Testament, the word forgiveness was a term that was usually applied to money. If someone owes you money and does not pay it to you, you have the right to go to them to demand that amount from them. If you forgive them that debt, you waive your rights to collect on the debt. The term aphiēmi and the related derivatives of the word refer only to leaving the matter alone, but the fact of the matter of the debt still exists. It is not necessarily forgotten, but a person makes a conscious choice to abandon or ignore the matter.

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Revisiting Forgiveness and Confronting an Abuser

A few months ago, I began a series of posts which began to discuss forgiveness. I had the bulk of two or three posts written on the subject of how Christians can put forgiveness into perspective when those who have hurt them refuse to repent of the wrong they've done. Before I had an opportunity to back up what I'd written, due to some computer issues, I lost what I'd written. I've yet to tackle the redevelopment of what I'd already prepared.

But the subject keeps popping up. In the most recent post about Jack Schaap, the issue of forgiveness presents itself indirectly. If you are a victim and your abuser throws out a couple of lines of general repentance while doing nothing to show that they are contrite and regretful, what does the Bible say about the most prudent thing to do?

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Forgiveness and Reconciliation Interlude: A Review of Terms and Factors

Originally published April 2012

Forgiveness is a term used to describe money transactions, something that can help us better understand the concept. To forgive a debt means to relinquish the right to collect what is owed to you. One can treat offenses or wrongdoing in the same way that they handle financial debt, releasing the person who has wronged them from owing them a moral debt or duty to make right the wrong that they suffered.

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