Leaving the Quiver Behind

For the young adult who emerges from a high demand religious household, there's so much grieving (anger, depression, etc), backtracking and adjusting to do that the reconciliation that parents desire takes longer than they would like. Reconciliation doesn't always happen, either.

 The process takes the survivor of this Patriarchy/Quiverfull mess years to process things after growing up in it, and the parent has to go through their own (very different) grieving as well.  Making sense of the rift takes time and work, and it's often difficult to devote oneself to healing and reuniting with parents while forging ahead with one's own life.  And it basically sucks.  It's well worth doing, but it's painful, and it's work.

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Are You a Mom Who is Triggered by Cynthia Jeub's Blog? Finding Healing Part I

(TRIGGER ALERT!)

At the age of forty eight, I find myself in an interesting place concerning the discussion of the Evangelical Christian homeschooling movement. While I'm roughly the same age of the first generation parents in the movement's spotlight, I identify most strongly with the Second Generation Adults (SGAs) – the adults who grew up in the quiverfull homeschooling world. Through my childbearing years, I found my social niche with moms who were a decade older than me, and their babies that I once carried around on my hip are now adults. Because I never managed to carry a pregnancy very far before miscarrying, most moms in the movement who were my age held me at arms length, and I was treated as a pariah. Though my experiences classify me as an SGA, because I was neither homeschooled nor had the experience of parenting, I often stand on the outside looking into both groups. My perspective has advantages and disadvantages, but I've been determined to make the best out of both.

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The Ugly Underbelly of Racism in the Fringe End of Christian Homeschooling: A Call for Personal Accounts

12Feb19 Addendum:  while a good bit of this blog is currently sitting in draft while I wait on a new computer, I’ve restored this post.  Because the Botkin daughters are subject to bounded choice as SGAs, and because they allege that they don’t understand what I’ve termed “Botkin Syndrome” and believe that I’ve exploited their name while accusing their family of a felony, in the spirit of compassion, I wish to edit to remove the moniker.  I claimed it initially as a theological term which their tradition is known to have a terrible habit of themselves, and they claim that it is a diagnosis (that might be found in the Diagnostics and Statistics Manual).  An in-depth, four part description of Second Generation Adults (SGA) and bounded choice can be read at Spiritual Sounding Board. 
https://spiritualsoundingboard.com/2014/04/30/lourdes-torres-bounded-choice-pt1/
Though I understand that Homeschoolers Anonymous is now inactive, the cult education effort defines them as SGAs of the Christian homeschooling movement.

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Stages of Leaving a Diseased Culture (Considering Homeschooling)

Leaving a “worldview” like the high demand end of Christian homeschooling usually happens in stages because we're trained to defend our Sacred Science at all costs. Sometimes we get stuck. And sometimes, we don't realize that we're only half way out.

Some of the elements of the belief system, that worldview's sacred cows, are easy to give up. Some lead to our disillusionment. Some created pain for us while living fully according to the worldview. Those are easy to give up. We're usually relieved. When we learn about thought reform and that the sacred cows that trampled over us like a bull in a china shop, we feel validated. We might even feel vindicated when we come to understand that we were forced to accept and even laud these sacred cows because they were part of the sacred science.

But the ones we like? Sometimes we try to keep them.

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The New Patriarchs Abandon Patriarchy? Scapegoats and Other Drama

Dangerdust @ Twitter and Etsy

In the wake of the Vision Forum scandal, HSLDA and others abandon the appearance of patriarchy in high demand Christian homeschooling while ignoring the problems in the culture.

Not long after Doug Phillips “resigned” from the now defunct Vision Forum, his cohorts were quick to abandon him. Scott Brown who heads up the Family Integrated Church group quickly denounced Phillips. One almost imagines that some of the big names in this group were thrilled to hear of his failure.

On the heels of Phillips' resignation, Bill Gothard resigned because of more than thirty reports of sexual misconduct as reported by the Recovering Grace community. An article popped up about the poor handling of sex abuse at Patrick Henry College. Other articles (here and here) noted the same issues at Pensacola Christian College. All this took place while GRACE investigated Bob Jones University, was fired, and then was reengaged to complete their review of the claims that the university did not properly handle reports of sexual and physical abuse.  Patriarchy's having one rough year!

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Visit Spiritual Sounding Board for the Latest Discussion of Bounded Choice and the Second Generation Adult

Drop on by at Spiritual Sounding Board for more discussion on the Second Generation Adult (SGA -- the adult child who grew up under a high demand ideological system) and explore the problems that they face when attempting to exit the mindset.  

The adult who signs up for a system or follows a strict paradigm has the benefit of remembering what life outside the group was like for them and can rely on that to help them exit.  The SGA doesn't have that luxury, but they can certainly make up for lost time!

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Self-Oversight as Christian Transparency and Self-Control

Esther Lucile Brown

Would self regulation and accountability in homeschooling truly prove to be a bad thing? Are there any stops between no requirements at all governmental control? Why is self-regulation such an impossible thought?

An Example from the History of Nursing

Though human beings have been caring for the sick as long as there have been people, the modern practice of nursing began during the Crimean War, midway through the 19^th Century. The profession functioned very well autonomously after the tradition forged by Florence Nightingale. By the 20^th Century however, nurses became low cost laborers who served at the discretion of physicians, and nursing care became something of an amenity that was included with room and board. Hospitals also subsumed the training of nurses, downplayed the need for academic training, and focused on practical/vocational nursing skills. This contrasted with the tradition that Nightingale and other pioneers of her era built.

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What “Old Guard” Homeschooling Parents Must Realize: First Generation Homeschoolers Must See, Hear and Speak No Evil (Part VI)

Dangerdust @ Twitter and Etsy

First Generation homeschoolers (the "Old Guard") must hear and cooperate with their Second Generation Adult children (SGA) or they will destroy what they intended and fought to create. Regretfully, they may also destroy relationships with their SGAs in the process of resisting perspective and truth.

Part VI in a Series

• Part I   (Sarah Hunt on homeschooling problems)
• Part II  (Scapegoating the SGA in Sex Scandals)
• Part III (Homeschool Apostates and HARO)
• Part IV (Accommodating Perspective of the SGA)
• Part V  (Becoming a Safe Person for the SGA)
  

The previous post discussed ways in which homeschooling parents can work to build relationships of trust with their adult children, the SGAs who have exited homeschooling and hope to improve outcomes for those who follow after them. While this post ends by pointing to helpful strategies, it also carries messages that the Old Guard has been reluctant to hear.

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Become a Safe Person for the Second Generation Adult: First Generation Homeschoolers Must See, Hear and Speak No Evil (Part V)

About Dangerdust  (@ Twitter and Etsy)

Exploring strategies to help homeschooling parents repair their relationships with their “Second Generation Adult” children (SGA) so that they can work together to benefit and improve homeschooling for generations to come.

Part V in a Series

• Part I   (Sarah Hunt on homeschooling problems)
• Part II  (Scapegoating the SGA in Sex Scandals)
• Part III (Homeschool Apostates and HARO)
• Part IV (Accommodating Perspective of the SGA)
• Part VI (What Old Guard Parents Must Realize)

~~~~~

What is a “Safe Person”?

A number of years ago, I discovered a great book called Safe People by the authors of the Boundaries series. I read it with the intent of improving my ability to discern whether people were safe or unsafe for me. Along the way, I started to think of a dear friend who was struggling in her relationship with her homeschooled daughter, an unhappy older teen who was angry about what she felt was a lack of education. Certain pages were burned into my mind, and I wept while I pleaded with my friend to consider that she needed to learn to be a safe person with her daughter. I read sections to her over the phone and wept, for I didn't want to see her make the mistakes that I believe that my own parents made with me.  (Read more about Boundaries HERE.)

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Respecting the Perspective of the SGA: First Generation Homeschoolers Must See, Hear and Speak No Evil (Part IV)

Dangerdust @ Twitter and Etsy)

How can the First Generation homeschooler begin to make room for their Second Generation Adult Children (SGA) and their perspectives about the homeschooling process, despite the discomfort?

Part IV in a Series

• Part I   (Sarah Hunt on homeschooling problems)
• Part II  (Scapegoating the SGA in Sex Scandals)
• Part III (Homeschool Apostates and HARO)
• Part V  (Becoming a Safe Person for the SGA)
• Part VI (What Old Guard Parents Must Realize)

I'd labored for a long time to avoid the inevitable, but eventually, the little bit of earth covering the surface of the crevasse that developed between my parents and me. I did all I could to avoid it and pretend that it didn't really exist while I clung to the fantasy that age would temper all of us as love filled in the gaps.

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Rejecting “Homeschool Apostates” and Alumni Reaching Out: First Generation Homeschoolers Must See, Hear and Speak No Evil (Part III)

Dangerdust @ Twitter and Etsy

Understanding the threat of painful truth: First generation homeschoolers followed an ideological system to protect their children that tragically resulted in their harm.

As a consequence, many
resist confronting the problems and will reject the Second Generation Adult (SGA) to avoid the terrible pain and grief.

The parents try to survive the pain of consequences of heavy price that they paid personally to achieve the promise of safety and benefit for their families.  

Even more painful for them to consider is the great cost that they inadvertently passed on to their children who are now adults.

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Reflecting the Image of the Second Generation Adult: Becca's Tea Blog

I'm deeply honored and am excited that Becca's Tea Blog decided to repost the recent item that I wrote for Spiritual Sounding Board (SSB) concerning Lourdes Torres-Manteufel. It explains the Second Generation Adult (SGA) phenomenon within high demand groups and families, especially the constraints that SGAs face when exiting high pressure situations. There has been little written about it among former followers of the Quiverfull/Patriarchy Movement, though the community knows much of the constraints and limitations. They also face the friction that they encounter when relating to those who were or still are part of the first generation followers.

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First Generation Homeschoolers Must See, Hear and Speak No Evil (Part I): Homeschooling's Invisible Children

An honest look into the problems within Christian homeschooling and homeschooling pioneers' reluctance to face them.

Part I in a Series

• Part II  (Scapegoating the SGA in Sex Scandals)
• Part III (Homeschool Apostates and HARO)
• Part IV (Accommodating Perspective of the SGA)
• Part V  (Becoming a Safe Person for the SGA)
• Part VI (What Old Guard Parents Must Realize)

On March 20^th, The Stream on Al Jazeera America featured a program about homeschooling in America. The primary focus of the discussion involved the growing popularity of the educational choice, especially among minority groups. According to the data presented on the episode, homeschooled students place in the the 56^th - 89^th percentile in aptitude compared to public school students who only placed within the 50^th percentile. (They did not specifically note how these scores were elucidated, however.)

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Homeschooling, Hana Williams and the "Rod of Man"

The Williams Trial resulting in the manslaughter and assault charges against the parents of thirteen year old Ethiopian adoptee Hana Alemu Williams continues to generate much discussion. Maureen Evans who closely followed the trial noted that the sentencing hearing was postponed but is now scheduled for the morning of October 29^th. Likely owing to the complexity and expense of the case, the Skagit County District Attorney's Office has decided to drop the additional, special “homicide by abuse” charge against Larry Williams. The jury found Carri Williams guilty of this special charge reserved for younger children, but they could not find Larry guilty of the same charge beyond reasonable doubt. Larry will like be required to serve in the neighborhood of fifteen years in prison, and Carri will have to serve a minimum of 27 years and as many as 37 years in prison for the additional guilty verdict of “homicide by abuse.”

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Another Case of Abuse of a Homeschooled, Adopted Child

A fifteen year old girl was removed from the Georgia home of a family who are accused of confining the adopted and homeschooled child in an outhouse that was not tall enough to sit in and within an in-use chicken coop.  They are also alleged to have kept a dog "shock collar" on the child.

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Meg Moseley Points the Way through Hardships in Homeschooling into Pathways to Peace

About 20 hours ago, I laid in the dark, wondering what goodness could come out of my immediate state.  In the expanded passage that Reinhold Niebuhr penned from whence the “Prayer of Serenity” originates, he petitions God to help him “find hardships as a pathway to peace.”  I’m stuck in bed for the next day, though I want to be up, feeling better, and attending to all sorts of important and sundry things.  I found it much easier to connect with hardship than with peace.  Uncomfortable as well, I can’t even find my attention span in order to figure out where that pathway might be!

In the mail today, I received a proof copy of Meg Moseley’s new book, “When Sparrows Fall.”  It’s due for release on May 3, 2011 from WaterBrook Multnomah.  This novel tackles the spiritual abuse experience through the eyes of a widowed homeschooling mom of six on her way to reclaiming “freedom, safety, and love ~ for herself and for her children.”   The cause of my temporary sedentary status comes as a blessing in disguise just a few hours after my sad lament, and my pathway suddenly seems far more clear.  I have a chance to read the book!  It is my hope and prayer that this book will prove to be a great instrument of help and healing on the pathway to peace for the many others who will read it in days to come.  Though I appreciate all of the important work that has emerged on this subject, I’m especially excited that another resource from a devoted Christian with some twenty years of personal experience in homeschooling will soon be available.

I’m curious and perhaps excited to see what will happen with my new relationship with “When Sparrows Fall” between now and an appointment I have tomorrow afternoon. ( I suspect that I will magically find my lost attentiveness hidden within it tonight.)  While reading only the first ten pages, I stopped to read three short quotes to my husband. (Naturally, he followed with sarcastic eye rolls and sardonic comments such as, “Well, I’m glad we’ve never heard anything like that before!”)  By page ten, I think I’d had about 25 flashbacks to things that were said to me in my own spiritually abusive past, and I’ve found two phrases that I’ve used as either titles or subtitles in my own blog posts.  [I’ve learned that common phrasing is quite a common thing.  Stated another way, the late Dr. Paul Martin said that though the sheep’s clothing that wolves wear changes, the way that they attack their prey and the wounds that they leave do not vary.  The works of the flesh always look like the works of the flesh, especially the tactics that are dependent on language.]

Still, I’m amazed at how much spiritually abusive vernacular Meg has artfully encapsulated within her book’s first few pages.  I find most books in the Christian fiction genre “force” too much of the jargon into the narrative, even when I am intimately familiar with the subject matter, situations, and language.  (That is to say, I don’t believe that the lacking spontaneity comes from lack of experience on my part but from a writer that lacks the necessary skill of translating their ideas into something very readable.)  I found the first few pages of “When Sparrows Fall” to be refreshingly different, as though the words were pulled directly from countless conversations that I’ve had or witnessed or suffered myself.  Understanding that Meg and I share some similar experiences with similar groups and individuals, that may account for the intense sense of familiarity her writing evokes for me.  I’m curious to discover whether people from other types of spiritually abusive backgrounds find it as equally perspicacious, especially as the plot unfolds.

Since my attention span does seem to be hidden where I left them on page 15 of Meg’s book, I’m going to get back to reading, holding down the bed so that the cat who patiently waits can use me as her bed for the evening.  


More to come about this exciting first of it’s kind -- a novel about the experience of spiritual abuse which has been woven into too many sectors of Christian homeschooling.

Visit Meg at www.megmoseley.com and on Meg Moseley’s Blog.   Or better yet, unless you’ve got a frequent flyer card with Family Christian Bookstores, Mardel, or Books-A-Million and want to wait to purchase your copy there, go pre-order the book from Amazon.com.  You can look her up on Facebook, too!

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The Manifesto for Christian Education?: Just More Patriarchal, PT Barnum Spin

Taking a brief interlude away from examining different ways the cults misuse the Bible, I would like to present an update on the awaited Men's Homeschooling Leadership Summit that was held by men and for men (and boys, of course), sponsored by the Christian Home Educators of Colorado (CHEC). One of the grand achievements of this summit, I understood per the advertisement and information on the internet, was the writing of a grand patriocentric Manifesto for Christian Education.

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My Copy of "Quiverfull" Just Shipped...

I have no idea what to expect from "Quiverfull," save the intro from Amazon. I'm curious to see if there is any truth in the book. Sometimes the liberal press makes astute observations.

Product Description

A journalist’s investigation of a Christian Right movement in which women put their fertility in the service of a patriarchal culture war

Fundamentalist Christianity may lose some access to power in the next election, but it has long-term plans. In this fascinating look at the new generation of fundamentalist Christian women, journalist Kathryn Joyce introduces us to the world of the patriarchy movement and Quiverfull families. Here, in direct and conscious opposition to feminist calls for marital equity, women live within stringently enforced doctrines of wifely submission and male headship. Instead of raising independent daughters, these Christians advocate a return to keeping daughters at home—and out of college—until their marriage to a suitor approved by Dad. To counter reproductive rights, they eschew all contraception in favor of the Quiverfull philosophy of letting God give them as many children as possible—families of twelve and more children that will, they hope, enable them to win the religious and culture wars through demographic means.

Quiverfull is a fascinating examination of the twenty-first-century women and men who proclaim self-sacrifice and submission as model virtues of womanhood—and as warfare on behalf of Christ.

About the Author

Kathryn Joyce received her B.A. from Hampshire College and her M.A. in cultural reporting and criticism from New York University. Her freelance writing has appeared in The Nation, Mother Jones, Newsweek, The Massachusetts Review, and other publications. She has received support from The MacDowell Colony and The Nation Institute and is former managing editor of The Revealer, a daily review of religion and the media published by NYU's Center for Religion and Media, a Pew Charitable Trusts "Center of Excellence." She lives in New York City.


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RC Sproul, Jr’s Take on Multigenerational Faithfulness: “When You Rise Up”

Before closing this discussion of multigenerational faithfulness, I would like to comment on RC, Jr’s book -- what he calls his “covenantal approach to homeschooling.” When searching online for the term, this book figures high on the list.


From a book excerpt on Amazon.com:

"While almost all Christian parents would agree with that statement, when the chalk meets the chalkboard, they live as if they care more about their children chalking up achievements and getting into a good college than cultivating humble obedience to God and encouraging a long-term vision of multi-generational faithfulness in their future families."

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Voddie Baucham on Getting One's Ticket Punched, Round Two?

A few weeks ago, I mentioned a program called "College Plus!" that is endorsed, most notably, by Doug Phillips. From reviewing their website, I believe that one can easily ascertain that this program offers non-academic coaching to those who enroll in their program. They also offer a core curriculum in Christian Worldview, and I the books of at least one of the authors they use for this program line my own bookshelves. I supported Gary DeMar's ministry for many years until my husband and I withdrew support because Doug Phillips and Vision Forum products became ever more prominent in American Vision's publications. Though I do not agree with the recent direction that American Vision chose, I still find most of what Gary DeMar has authored to be very fine material.

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