Considering Angst as a Healthy Part of Growth while Anticipating Mother's Day

The Quiverfull and Patriarchy Movements in Evangelical Christianity (which are strongly associated with the Religious Right and with the homeschooling movement among Christians) understand any deviation “from family” as a great moral problem. 

 Family translates for many as only the specific will of the parent, and for many, this means obsequious submission to the “vision” of the father concerning even banal elements of daily life. Not every family is so stringent, but children, budding adult children, and fully grown adults are expected to write their lives according to the dictates of the family script of their family of origin. Such families do not tolerate true differentiation from their ideal, regardless of what price children may pay.

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Angry?!

Original Source

Anger is a function of grief and is something we encounter when we see or experience injustice. It is self protective and is often a necessary part of healing, especially following Spiritual Abuse. Anger is a stage and function of grieving, too. Don't believe otherwise. Learn how to move through anger and master it so that it doesn't master you.

My Own Experience of Anger in the Process of Forgiveness Following Spiritual Abuse

Making Peace with Anger in the Process of Forgiveness

Resources for Transforming Anger

Be Slow To Wrath but Recognize It Quickly So You Can Get On With the Process of Forgiveness

David Seamands on Anger in the Forgiveness Process

Forgiveness and the Path of Denial (Denying Anger)

Self Deception in Forgiveness: The Path of Bitterness as a Cycle of Blame (Expressing anger in indirect and unhealthy ways)

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Self-Deception in Forgiveness: The Path of Bitterness as a Cycle of Blame

People tend to choose the Path of Bitterness

when they get caught up with

wanting to understand the reasons for the offense.

They think, if only they could understand why

the other person did what he or she did,

they could get over it and let it go.

– David Stoop, Forgiving the Unforgivable, pg80

In Forgiving the Unforgivable, David Stoop also offers us a diagram of what he calls the Path of Bitterness, and this path is often deceptive. On this path, people can actually believe that they're pursuing forgiveness but arrive at a much different destination. 

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Forgiveness and the Path of Denial

“Christians are particularly confused

when they then 'take it out' on someone nearby  
-a spouse or a child they love.

This, in turn, fills them with remorse, guilt, and spiritual defeat.

They are further bewildered because

they can't figure out where it all comes from.

Most likely they unwittingly drilled into some ancient 

and untapped river of resentment

which, like a sudden oil strike, 'blew' up.”

– David Seamands, Healing of Memories (pp 91-2)

We've defined forgiveness as a journey, sometimes a complicated one, involving grief concerning loss. We've noted that it is not like walking a straight line on a path but can be more like walking a circular labyrinth or like peeling the layers off of an onion. Before delving any further into the discussion of what forgiveness looks like, it is important to consider the overall process. That opens right up into the pitfalls and problems of the Path of Denial, already depicted in previous posts including this one concerning denial in cheap, feigned forgiveness.

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David Seamands on Anger in the Forgiveness Process

Understanding Anger

The first step toward forgiveness is to acknowledge feelings of resentment and hate.

– Healing of Memories, pg 151

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Be Slow To Wrath, But Recognize It Quickly And Get On With The Journey of Forgiveness

A few days ago after I plugged in what I thought would be the last of the posts that I would prepare on anger's role in forgiveness, I did not anticipate that I would find additional work to do on a personal level. It has come as a long awaited answer to prayer, and I marvel that I only put my realization of it together just days ago. I would love to think that the Word of God that I've planted and watered in my heart for many years concerning this subject has yielded some new fruit as a result of cultivating this topic and digging deeper into it. I realized that I have this last post to write about anger and forgiveness.

Learning to Master Anger So It Doesn't Master Me

Many days ago, I explained what it was like to honor anger for the first time, and how that process has been an ongoing journey. During the discussion that I had with my counselor which I discussed in this post when addressing anger I felt towards her, we talked about how I'd grown in my awareness of anger. Thirty years ago, I would claim that I never became angry, or at least rarely. The expression of that anger would find any other outlet for me including passive-aggression and physical illness. Twenty years ago, though I would turn most of my anger into depression or self-loathing, I would occasionally allow myself to feel and express anger that I felt was righteous (anger about someone else hurting some other innocent party). I also learned to vent a great deal of it through humor, both harmless and sometimes harmful. But when I was exit counseled fifteen years ago, the devastating experience of realizing that I'd been spiritually abused and what that meant essentially forced me to (begin to) develop emotional self awareness.

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Resources for Transforming Anger

“Central to the work of forgiveness is

the task of working through our feelings of anger.”

– David Augsburger

Now that we've explored the idea that anger is not sinful but is something that tells us key information about ourselves, our hearts, and our environment, we can begin to appreciate the usefulness of the emotion. It is not a negative thing if we give into it and feed it, but we can honor it as a gift that God gave us. Though the Bible warns against the power of anger as a precursor to sin, it's the indulgence and avoidance of anger that becomes sinful. Though it is true that vices and negative character traits can be the source of anger, those Christians who deem all anger of sin cheapen it and rob it of it as a transformative power that can work for virtue. “You can use anger or let it use you.”

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Making Peace with Anger in the Process of Forgiveness

As noted in the previous post, one of the greatest challenges I've found when setting out on my own journey of forgiveness has been letting go of the fantasy of what I wanted forgiveness to be in favor of accepting the truth. A big part of learning to look at myself and my circumstances realistically encompasses the challenge to tolerate discomfort as well as accepting aspects of myself that I didn't particularly like. I was taught to avoid anger, yet I had to come to terms with the idea that anger was part of the full spectrum of being human, and that it was only considered negative because I'd been taught to place that label on it. As the Bard said in Act II in Hamlet in response to Rosencrantz, “There is neither good nor bad, but thinking makes it so.”

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My Own Experience of Anger in the Process of Forgiveness Following Spiritual Abuse

I remember the day shortly after I left a four year involvement at my high demand church when “the lid came off” of my contained, suppressed, denied anger. Any time someone threatened someone else, I felt pure rage. I became terrified, because I never allowed myself to feel or express anger directly before. Suddenly, everything seemed to trigger it.

I should probably put this into perspective. I endeavored to spare people discomfort, not inflict pain, especially as a nurse. I even found the hard tasks as a nurse that involved pushing people to recover when they had pain to be difficult for me. Though I can be quite determined and courageous when defending others, I was not a person that ever wished harm on anyone. I often failed to defend myself, even when it was appropriate.

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