Why Demand an Apology? CBMW's Actions Belie their own Disclaimer on Abuse

I was never really a fan of social media, but I'm developing an appreciation for Twitter. I've just fallen in love with some of the sarcasm and spoof Twitterlings. “Sergius Martin-Georg” at Steam Tunnel Pilot most recently caught my attention, but the first of them was “False Wayne Grudem.” I find their sharp wit and insight delightful, using humor to elucidate the true nature of so much rubbish that too many accept blindly as a faithful reflection of Christianity.

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Melancholy Thoughts as Gothard is Placed on Administrative Leave for Charges of Clergy Sex Abuse

It has been an interesting few weeks for the survivors of spiritual abuse and those who have suffered the “extra special” kind of spiritual abuse that comes with sexual advances made by clergy.

After years of suffering in silence and scorn, many have cause for hope. Bob Jones University reinstated the Godly Response to Abuse in the Christian Environment Group to complete their investigation of unreported assaults. And... Bill Gothard was placed on administrative leave by the board of his parachurch organization, the Institute in Basic Life Principles. These matters have even caught the attention of the secular press including the New York Times and the Washington Post.

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A Diagram/Adaptation of Pia Mellody's Love Addiction/Love Avoidant Cycle

(Click to enlarge diagram)
Think of each block like a cog on a wheel.
Both wheels turn because they are propelled by the next cog in the partner's wheel, driving one another.

This is not my work but an adaptation of Pia Mellody's conception of how the Love Addicted (fantasy oriented, needy people that love you into loving yourself) and Love Avoidants (rescuers, care-takers, risk-takers) interract with one another.

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The Cycle of Abuse

This cycle has been a notable factor in some offline discussions that I've had with several people since this topic presented itself (from so many different sources). In any type of abuse or manipulative relationship (including spiritual abuse settings), we see this ever repeating pattern. I've seen this reproduced so many times, I don't even know who to credit as the original source. I offer my own version of it here. I think of the calm phase as the first step in the process, though people frequently do not indicate this as the first phase in the process in their diagrams. Here is my own version of the "cycle of abuse." Honeymoon/Calm Phase Things seem wonderful at what I always consider the beginning of the pattern, and everyone (particularly the victim) hopes beyond hope that things will be different from here. Everything has been resolved and the problems will not persist. There is open communication and things seem to be back on the desired, ideal track. You forgive and you forget. All the past is forgotten.

Tension Phase Things start to become a bother, especially for the person who is abusive. Things start to become irritating and these offences begin to build. Communication that was very open just a short time before is now difficult and guarded. There is much avoidant behavior and "walking on eggshells." "I'd better not provoke." "I'm going to get into trouble for this, so I won't say anthing." "I have a problem with this but I can't take the chance of talking about it."

Confrontation or Altercation Phase The accumulated tension or irritation errupts into some type of controntation and communication shifts from a passive avoidance to aggression on the part of just one or both of the parties involved. Here, we see verbal and physical abuse, intimidation, threats, ect. The accumulated tension is unloaded in one acute event which is often not commensurate to what appears to have triggered the event.

 Reconciliation Phase Both parties basically become very shocked by the confrontation, and the frustration has been expressed by at least one party. The other party is left to deal with shock, injury, incredulity, ect. It is during this phase that apologies and excuses are offered to assuage the other partner's pain and emotion, whatever that may be. There may also be a great show of caring from the abusive party which engenders the sympathy of the injured. Both parties generally try to excuse the event by creating a myth about the altercation: "it wasn't that bad and was blown out of proportion." 

Denial is also a possibility, as the confrontation quickly and conveniently slips out of the remembrance of one or both parties. With Borderline Personality Disorder, the effect of that disease process actually prevent the memory from passing from short term into long term memory storage. It is literally forgotten. Then back to square one...

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More on Repeating the Familiar and Where We Find Ourselves

“Love is a Choice: The Definitive Book on Letting Go of Unhealthy Relationships” by Hemfelt, Minirth and Meier.


From pages 108 - 109:

A woman emerging from an alcoholic family vows to leave that misery behind forever. She marries an alcoholic and may well become an alcoholic herself despite knowing from experience what alcoholism is. A man whose home life was disrupted by several divorces finds himself constantly and repeatedly “unlucky in love.” Claudia Black wrote a landmark book on the problem with the self-explanatory title “It Will Never Happen to Me!” Numerous other sociologists and social workers have recorded the constant phenomenon: adults from dysfunctional families end up with dysfunctional adult relationships, for they have become codependents.

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Self-Blame is Not Guilt! (It is not an invitation for abuse!)

From David Stoop's "Forgiving Our Parents, Forgiving Ourselves"

"We regularly see an interesting phenomenon occur among adults who were abused as children. Thy experience an overwhelming need to cast blame somewhere. Because of the dynamics of childhood – where adults are bigger and more powerful, and therefore perceived as “always right” – abuse victims invariably place the blames on themselves." (pg. 246)

Read more HERE.

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From Pia Mellody's "Facing Love Addiction"

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Case History of a Sexualizing Emotionally Abusive Parent

More about Marla:

Case History of the Sexualizing Parent

(Continuation of material presented in previous post.)

Excerpts from pages 21 – 25 of Dr. Patricia Love's “The Emotional Incest Syndrome”:

...Marla, like many Chosen Children, makes a favorable first impression...The only visible sign of Marla's struggle is twenty pounds of excess weight that she alternately loses and regains... By most people's standards, Marla has been very successful in life... She is bright, competent, and vivacious. Yet I have seen her in anguish time and time again. I remember once in my office when she was overcome with self-loathing. Her lovely face became contorted, and she leaned forward with her head down, as if the internal struggle were cutting her in two. “Each day I try so hard to love myself, to care for myself, because at the core there is such self-hatred,” she sobbed. “I find it so hard to believe that I'm okay. I find it so hard to believe that I'm lovable.”

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