The Nature and Character of Children
To raise a child well, it gives to
reason that a person should have a good understanding of the
capabilities of children in order for parents to set
reasonable expectations for children in terms of their behavior and
their anticipated understanding. Many of the common problems seen in
spiritually abusive religious groups begin with a misunderstanding of
the capabilities (and needs) of children, and the misconceptions
eventually produce patterns of dysfunctional thought and behavior in
adults within the system.
Consider the three very obvious
characteristics of children: they have incredible amounts of energy,
they are very resilient, and because of the way the
mind develops and learning takes place, children are very
self-centered, initially aware of only their own
experiences. In a recent post discussing levels
of consciousness based on brain development, this
self-centeredness can be understood as a physical limitation as a
child first learns “how to be” before he learns how to fit into
the world around him. The child eventually grows beyond this
self-centeredness developmentally (both physically and
psychologically), but their first standard of comparison of how to be
in the world begins with the self as a standard of comparison.
Parents teach the standard to their children by modeling the standard
for the child and by serving as a mirror in which the child can see
themselves so that they can understand their own behavior.
Expectations of Parents
These considerations are all quite
philosophical, and they aren't of primary importance to parents while
they are overwhelmed with the management of the practical needs of
the newborn or the tiring busyness of a rambunctious two year old.
Just the “battle fatigue” of raising young children alone can
frustrate parents, and this might lead them to feel frustrated by
that endless energy and that adaptability of children, too. A parent
may not stop to consider that the child needs that energy and that
ability to bounce from experience to experience in their
self-centered ways in order to grow effectively into adulthood.
In that respect, the child's
self-centered nature, their busy energy, and their resilience are the
vital and necessary gifts that they are given to accomplish the
monumental task of growing up. But consider that the parent who
punishes a child for these traits or abuses their child for having
these traits depletes these needed gifts and energy, stealing them
from the child. The child pays the price for this diversion of their
resources, and as adults, it is up to them to go back to master the
development that they may not have achieved.
Common Misconceptions About the
Immaturity of Children
One pitfall that often takes place
within Christian fundamentalism is the punishment of the child's
self-centered nature. There is a time and a purpose for everything
under heaven, including this aspect of a child, but an inexperienced
or a demanding parent (who may be uncomfortable with balancing their
own wants and needs) may expect too much Christian oriented
self-sacrifice from a child too soon. A parent may also expect the
young child to have few needs – and young children are especially
needy! The parent with unrealistic expectations may teach a young
child at an early age that they should have no needs at all,
God-given or otherwise. They may also teach the child to feel guilty
if they ridicule or criticize the chld for having needs or if the
parent complains about having to statisfy both wants and needs. The
parent may misinterpret the child's need as greed, failing to see the
balance and the difference between needs and wants, misinterpreting
both as sinful indulgence.
One of the developmental tasks of the
self-centered child includes the development of healthy self-esteem
which begins with the child's learning to love themselves. Jesus
implies that this is essential to properly relating to others and
includes appropriate
self-love as part of the two greatest commandments which
encompass the Law and the Prophets. However, many Christians fail to
take this self-love into consideration and interpret it as conceit.
Some misinterpret Paul's admonishment
to “esteem
others better through lowliness of mind” as a cause to have
less than appropriate or low esteem for oneself. “Not
to be ministered unto, but to minister” can also be
misconstrued into feelings of shame during seasons of need. Bill
Gothard extends
this idea which confuses humility and shame, teaching that all
should should actively submit to all suffering without protest to
develop humility. He takes the principle of generosity and
compassion too far out of balance, claiming that God requires His
followers to relinquish all personal rights of justice by denying the
appropriate balance of forgiving tolerance between mercy and justice.
This promotes the development of a lack of respect for the self and
results in a disrespect for the image of God in the person.
Ultimately, problems of this type stem
back to the parent's lack of proper esteem for others, and among
those others for parents come their children. They may believe that
children should serve their parents as opposed to serving God by
raising them, being good stewards of the precious people God has
placed in their care.
And ultimately, the child learns
balance from the parent through all of these things which require the
parent to exercise self-control. If the parent has difficulty
understanding the difference between needs and wants because of their
own maturity issues, they cannot give to their children what they
lack themselves. The parent may understand that they have no rights
or may be made to feel guilty for their own God-given needs, so they
lack the perspective of balance and cannot pass that on to their
children. They may suffer from a “shame-existence bind”
themselves, believe that they shouldn't have needs, while knowing
that they cannot endure life without help from others. Human beings
require a healthy level of interpersonal dependence, because we
cannot meet all of our needs by ourselves. We are interdependent
creatures, but if the parent lacks this understanding or has learned
shame regarding their own needs, how can they pass that on to their
child?
And the parent may also have
unreasonable expectations that the Christian life and parenting as an
experience that is largely free of tension or pain. Balance is not a
state of floating bliss. Balance is the artful skill and dynamic
process of managing two competing forces at the same time. That
requires effort, and sometimes it is nothing short of very hard work.
The child also learns this from the parent, and as an adult, that
child may gravitate towards extremes because this their parent taught
them through their own example. They may see frustration as sinful
and may be uncomfortable sitting with their frustrations and the
internal discomfort that maturity requires. If their parent lacked
frustration tolerance, it is likely that they required their children
to pay the bill for their own needs. We see this pattern in the
behavior of men like Voddie
Baucham and Michael Pearl who tolerate no repeated error in their
children, asking of them more than God asks of adults. Child of such
families grow up and very likely pass this along to their own
children by being intolerant of their immaturity.
At the heart of love is respect, and at
the heart of respect is balance (self-control), the willingness and
ability to tolerate frustration. Either due to lack of maturity or
due to aberrant religious ideas that result from poor interpretations
of Scripture, some Christians understand their faith in terms of
being unbalanced, unable or tolerate diversity. If the parent lacks
balance, then their sense of respect for themselves and others
suffers, and respect of a person's personhood is the minimum
requirement of real and healthy love. Quite often, the parent with
lack of balance, respect, and love translates those issues into
unreasonable expectations for their children, and they pass their
discomfort and frustration on to them. The child then pays the price
for the parent's lack of maturity and mastery of the tasks of
adulthood.
In the next post,
we will look at more
specific characteristics of children
that contribute dysfunction when their weaknesses are
not appropriately anticipated by adults.
