My favorites include titles on the topic of
family relationships include Love
is a Choice (by Hemfelt, Minerth, and Meier) and Forgiving
Our Parents, Forgiving Ourselves (Stoop and Masteller) and
many others which are discussed at some length on the OvercomingBotkin Syndrome blog (posts which you can find by looking for the author near the top of the
tag list). I also like Sandra
Wilson's Hurt People Hurt People, too. And specifically
related to boundaries,
the Christian books by Townsend and Cloud shouldn't go without
mention, either.
These posts offer learning tools to the
survivors of Hephzibah House (HH), though they are quite applicable
to most people in the types of religious groups addressed here most
often. With the Hephzibah
Girls in mind, I think that the approach taken by a fellow nurse
speaks a bit more clearly to the specific needs that they have as
they look back to put their experiences into perspective. Conditions
at HH fostered problems with self-protection and issues related to
boundaries suffered by girls after leaving, but the roots go deeper,
back into childhood.
Understanding the Roots of Shame
Pia
Mellody approaches this topic by looking at the five basic,
natural characteristics of childhood, which when successfully
developed and honored by the parent, form the basis for healthy and
mature characteristics in adulthood.
Children are:
- Valuable (Value becomes peace and what Jesus called the love of self in the mature adult who finds their stability and worth within themselves instead of finding their worth in performance and circumstances.)
- Vulnerable (Forms the basis of experience which allows adults to be intimate along with the appropriate level of vulnerability required to engage in emotional intimacy.)
- Imperfect (Lays the foundation of the adult's ability to feel comfortable with themselves and accountable for the impact that their actions have on others.)
- Dependent (Provides for the ability of the adult to care responsibly for their own basic needs and to be interdependent with others, because we are unable to meet all of our needs independently.)
- Immature (Proper care and parenting teaches two types of boundaries to the child: internal self control which governs the adult's behavior, as well as what one chooses to allow into their lives. Mastery of maturity also provides for a healthy sense of spontaneity.)
As previously mentioned, if the parent
has not mastered these tasks or if their parents didn't honor and
respect these characteristics in them when they were children, they
very likely have gaps in their own development which the pass along
to their children. Teaching a child to be vulnerable involves
modeling accountability and honesty as well as the sharing of power. (This is a major issue in patriarchy, both for men and for women.)
If the parent doesn't esteem their child as a valuable person who
just happens to be little and in need of care their respect as well
as their care, they will grow up with deficits in their development
which are passed on to their children. Unfortunately, there are many
Christian traditions that misinterpret Scripture and fail in some of
these tasks in particular. Piety fosters perfectionism and
hyper-authoritarianism fosters shame and lack of self care that
honors the Image of God in us. Systems like those advocated by the
Botkin Family and Vision Forum create life-long dependency problems
based on gender hierarchy. Many of the teachings embraced within the
Independent Fundamentalist Baptist churches place a similar emphasis
on sexuality which, for the survivors of Hephzibah House, creates the
justification for their abuse.
Pia Mellody in Facing
Codependence (pp 78 - 80):
-->In addition to misdirecting these three characteristics, dysfunctional caregivers do not respond appropriately to children's five natural attributes of value, vulnerability, imperfection, dependency, and immaturity. Instead these caregivers either ignore or attack children for the very essence of who they are, creating an intense experience of shame in the children. Inordinate shaming happens to children when they lose contact with the sense that they are adequate and have value from within, even when making mistakes, having needs or being immature. . . .Children are naturally innocent, inexperienced, naïve and believe that their caregiver can do no wrong. But in fact, caregivers often attack or abuse children for having the normal traits of imperfection, dependency and immaturity. As a result, the children lose their own sense of value (since they can't see that the fault might lie with the caregivers). Also the fact that abuse is occurring means the parents aren't demonstrating boundaries, so the children don't develop their own boundary systems properly.
When the
caregivers ignore or attack children's natural characteristics,
children develop dysfunctional survival traits to keep from feeling
crazy and yet still maintain the belief that the caregivers are
always right.
Excerpt from
Pia
Mellody's
What
It Is, Where It Comes From,
How
It Sabotages Our Lives
Harper
One/Harper Collins, NY (1989; 2003)
