As noted in the previous post, children
the characteristics of children, when respected and anticipated by
the parent help to form the basis of appropriate core behaviors in
adulthood. What is perhaps the most primary of these is the
development of appropriate self-love, addressed briefly in an earlier
post.
When a child learns that they have precious value and the
trait is honored by the parent, the child matures into an adult who
can find stability and worth in themselves instead of either earning
worth through outward performance (What happens when you can't
perform?) or only when circumstances in life are very good.
Most people tend to think of a person
with poor self esteem and self love as a collapsed individual, but as
we explore these traits, we will note that imbalance of either
introversion or extraversion results from poor development of
appropriate self-love. Remember the issue of balance and the needed
maturity of the parent to hold two opposing forces in tension,
exhibiting self-control and modulating experience? We used the
example of the extremes on a continuum ranging from greedy
over-indulgence and self-neglect. Both of these extremes constitute
a show of disrespect for the person and for others. The ideal is not
one extreme or the other but rather that “sweet spot” of balance
between the two, where a person cares for themselves appropriately
but also responds dynamically to the needs of others with empathy,
caring and respect. The place of balance is one of movement and is not static, so there is a bit of swing, but it is within a certain limit, not too far from midline.
The Two Extremes of Self Love and
Value
Parents teach their children about
their own personal worth based on how the parent models respect for
other adults but also how the parent treats the child or children.
When a parent lacks appropriate respect for the value of their
children, they can choose one of two alternatives:
- They can devalue their children. They can neglect the child's needs and despise their nature. They may put their own wants before the child's basic needs, teaching the child that they have very little value as people.
- Though it may seem counterintuitive, when a parent idealizes a child and behaves as though that child can do no wrong by idealizing them, exaggerating accomplishments and paying excessive amounts of attention to the child, it is also a type of abuse.
In both cases, the child is objectified
because neither level of esteem is consistent with reality. One is
collapsed and the other exaggerated. Somewhere in the middle is the
child in real life – precious for being a wonderful human creature,
complete with realistic flaws and imperfections. So though the child
who is idealized may seem to be free from abuse, the abuse comes
through the demand of the parent that the child be something other
than who they are. Both are fantasy based ideas, but the child's
true nature is rejected.
Two Outcomes of Poorly Communicated
Value
Just as the parent either undervalued
or idealized the child, the child can manifest their poor sense of
self and lack of worth in two primary ways. First, the child who is
treated as though they have little value will become a people
pleaser, because they find their worth outside of themselves. They
only feel good when they have earned love or affection or esteem. It
cannot be given to them merely because they are creatures worthy of
respect.
The child may also develop exaggerated
ways of expressing their low sense of internal self worth by becoming
manipulative and arrogant. They feel entitled to praise and value,
beyond reasonable worth, giving them the sense that they are indeed
better than everyone else on the planet. So this, too, is another
kind of low esteem, but the extraverted need communicates as
arrogance and deceit. These adults tend to gauge themselves and
their worth from their successes and through condescension.
Both outcomes manifest as ways to cope
with the lack of healthy esteem. The parent lacked adequate maturity
and resources to be able to teach the child appropriate worth, and
the child obtains their worth based on the parent's unbalanced
perception of them.
