As noted earlier concerning the natural
characteristics of children, the parent's proper respect for and care
of a child's immaturity builds the basis for self control in their
adulthood and helps them learn how to effectively manage and govern
their lives as adults. This mastery, a characteristic of maturity,
also provides for a healthy sense of spontaneity. Healthy maturity
involves relaxation and time for restoration, an early lesson that
the parent can build into a child through celebration of that
spontaneous wonder and joy of life that children possess.
Parental Intolerance of Immaturity
As discussed in an
earlier post, sometimes parents can become weary of the boundless
energy and the self centeredness of their children, failing to see
these qualities as the gifts they are given to accomplish the hard
task of growing up. When a parent fails to accept these traits which
they view as an inconvenience, or they punish these qualities in the
child, the child learns to feel shame when “being authentic” and
honest.
They also learn that they are loved only when they perform, so
they learn to base their worth on performance. The parent expects
the child to perform like a small adult instead of their behaving in
accordance to their developmental age, even though they lack the
skills, the self-control, and the experience necessary. Voddie Baucham's First Time Obedience principle and Michael Pearl's Child Training Method offer excellent examples of parenting styles that demand inappropriately mature behavior from young children.
Demanding maturity of an immature child
sets them up for life patterns of constricted control or chaos, or
some combination of a swing between both of them. The pressure to
perform as an adult overwhelms the child, as they fear both direct
punishment and denial of love and attention through parental
withdrawal or disapproval.
The Powerful Influence of the Family
Script
Depending on the role that the child
was required to play in their family of origin, they will experience
different types of responses from the parent and will tend to
manifest different responses of their own.
As previously noted, dysfunctional
families assign predictable
roles to family members as a coping mechanism which helps to
accommodate the abusive or addictive traits of one of the other
family members.
These roles typically include both positive and
negative roles or characters:
- Hero
- Mediator
- Mascot
- Counselor
- Surrogate (parent or partner
- Rebel or “black sheep”
- Scapegoat
- Lost Child
The children who follow the positive
roles within the family tend to become very controlling themselves,
modeling and repeating the parent's own intolerance, something which
produced a great deal of self-disgust for the child as well as deep
toxic shame for failing to be what they cannot be, despite their
parents' unreasonable demands. They experience tremendous levels of
anxiety because they take on those dutiful roles in the family. But
in contrast, the rewards that the child derives from the praise and
benefit they receive for effective performance tends to give them
more opportunity and resources within the family. They learn to base
their worth on performance, become people pleasers, and
overachievers. They tend to be very dogmatic and demanding with
others because of their difficulty in tolerating their limitations.
These over-compliant children tend to become caretakers of the
children in the family who fall into negative roles, learning care
taking behaviors for siblings and parents.
Those children who fall into the
negative roles within the family experience much different treatment
than their siblings. They tend to be overwhelmed by the parent's
unreasonable demands, unable to perform because of their high
anxiety, anger, and resentment which they are not permitted to directly and openly express. Because of their low performance,
these children may actually be over-indulged and not held accountable for
their lack of age-appropriate behavior and are just shamed instead.
This is the fate of the scapegoat, and these children become the
convenient excuse for all of the problems in the family because they
are just not mature enough to live up to parental expectations.
Rather than working to help this child overcome their weaknesses,
parents (and siblings who read the required script) may see them as
the eternally hapless, so the parent abandons the to their
immaturity. Giving up on the child's ability to mature, the parent
stops expecting them to ever grow into mature behavior, so the stop
encouraging it altogether. It becomes a type of abandonment, and
they are left to themselves to develop self-control without any help
from the parent.
And many children develop
compartmentalized maturity and immaturity, manifesting
characteristics of several of the roles in the family script.
Depending on what the parent needs from them and what their natural
strengths are, these children may develop a mix of extreme behaviors.
They will be over-responsible in some areas and completely
ineffective in other areas, having trouble with self-control on many
levels.
Poor Modulation of Emotions and
Behaviors in Adults
Primarily, the characteristics that the
children develop in the home as children intensify in adulthood.
Difficulty with moderation and outright avoidance of moderation
emerges as a core symptom and problem experienced by adults who were
raised in homes where their lack of maturity was not tolerated and
anticipated. These adults have difficulty with the routine
experience and expression of mature, adult behavior, understanding
balance as lack of passion or lack of life because the chaos and
drama in their family of origin raises the bar on the level of
stimulation they need.
The trauma experienced by the loss of
the spontaneous experience of being a child creates a sense of
deadness and numbness, a way of coping with pain and grief which
seems impossible to comprehend. In order to feel alive, the adult
child from a dysfunctional family tends to seek out the extremes, a
way of compensating and breaking through the numbness of their
dissociation.
Human beings are also drawn, almost
compulsively, to relationships that are familiar, especially if they
are traumatic. This tendency is enhanced by the compulsion to reenact unresolved trauma, a subconscious drive to some how
understand and master their past as well as manage difficult
emotions. New extremes can serve as a lovely diversion for emotions
that keep popping up related to childhood and may help to promote
denial concerning the real roots of their ineffective and maladaptive
ways of coping. (Read more HERE.)
The over-mature and controlling adult
children of dysfunctional homes tend to erect walls as boundaries in
relationships, and the relationships that they do foster tend to be
very non-spontaneous. They've never been allowed to embrace their
immaturity, and that is how they perceive appropriate playful
behavior in adulthood. I believe that these individuals tend to gravitate towards legalistic religions and fringe Christianity, believing that their extremes demonstrate greater faith. Plain, old mainstream religion just doesn't seem like quite enough for them. They don't want to follow "dead Christianity," so they choose extreme versions of it that play on cultic themes of conspiracy, catastrophe, and legalism.
Those children who take on the
rebellion tend to become immature adults with poor self-control.
Their adult relationships tend toward chaos. They may also
compartmentalize over-maturity and immaturity, manifesting success,
perfection, and overachievement in one area of life, while other
areas seem chaotic and disproportionately so, given their other competencies and successes. Their individual
relationships may flux between chaos and control which makes intimacy
and long-term relationships quite difficult.
Those who tend to manifest collapsed or
introverted symptoms and chaotic relationships are at risk for
victimization and exploitation by manipulators, though they also tend
to be manipulative because of their immaturity, using more primitive
ways of coping with adult life. If the individual have difficulties
with their internal boundaries, they tend to become abusive in their
relationships. They may be intolerant and dogmatic of those who hold
ideas that differ from their own, and they tend to repeat the same
demanding and intolerant family dynamics with their own children.
They loathe their own immaturity, so they also loathe the same
behavior in their children.
UPDATE 22Jan12: Read about another aspect of this characteristic of children which gets transferred into adulthood when people leave spiritual abusive groups, only to join another one. When you visit, make sure to read the comments that follow Lewis' post on The Commandments of Men.
UPDATE 22Jan12: Read about another aspect of this characteristic of children which gets transferred into adulthood when people leave spiritual abusive groups, only to join another one. When you visit, make sure to read the comments that follow Lewis' post on The Commandments of Men.