“Central
to the work of forgiveness is
the
task of working through our feelings of anger.”
– David Augsburger
Now that we've explored the idea that
anger is not sinful but is something that tells us key information
about ourselves, our hearts, and our environment, we can begin to
appreciate the usefulness of the emotion. It is not a negative thing
if we give into it and feed it, but we can honor it as a gift that
God gave us. Though the Bible warns against the power of anger as a
precursor to sin, it's the indulgence and avoidance of anger that
becomes sinful. Though it is true that vices and negative character
traits can be the source of anger, those Christians who deem all
anger of sin cheapen it and rob it of it as a transformative power
that can work for virtue. “You can use
anger or let it use you.”
Quite interestingly, anger often
emerges as an emotion that is really just a reaction to a threat.
It's often not at the very foundation and is often not the first
manifestation of a particular feeling. Grief, fear, confusion,
frustration, fatigue, loss of control or a violation of a personal
boundary often manifest as anger. Guilt
and shame may also become an expression of anger as well. In
many of these circumstances, anger is actually self-protective and
part of a means of survival. The references noted in this post have
shaped my understanding of anger as I have described it in this
series.
Note that later in this series of
posts, I'll offer a more extensive list of titles on forgiveness, but
for now, I'll just highlight those that concern how to conquer and
master anger as it relates to forgiveness.
“Genuine forgiveness does not deny angerbut faces it head-on.”– Alice Duer Miller
Christian Books About Anger in
Forgiveness
In his many titles concerning
forgiveness, David
Augsburger writes extensively about the role of anger in
forgiveness and a natural emotion that often follows an offense,
particularly in outright sins against the offended. He explores the
ranges of intensity of anger, noting not only the normal types of
irritability and sensitivity, but he goes on to identify both ends of
the spectrum of anger. In my own case, I explained how my anger
progressed from normal anger into what Augsburger calls hot flashes
into “boiling/scalding” anger, right into explosive anger. But
he also talks about the freezing response of anger which can often
accompany PTSD which can be a cool anger to something that is “icy
cold,” an irrational hostility of frozen rage.
One word of caution about Augsburger is
that he views reconciliation as the full expression of forgiveness.
He doesn't merge the two processes in a way that asks an offended or
abused person to forgo justice and safety in the name of forgiveness.
But there are aspects of his work that tend to push for
reconciliation. I don't necessarily disagree with him all that
strongly in the right context, but for those who have been deeply
heart and threatened and are faced with great difficulty with a
recalcitrant abuser, the way he handles some of these issues could be
difficult to process. That's said, his books are well worth the
read. On the broader discussion of forgiveness, I tend to agree more
strongly with other authors, but in the context of anger in the
forgiveness process, Augsburger's work is excellent.
Neil Clark Warren's book, Make
Anger Your Ally, is another great
resource that defines anger as a symptom of a greater problem and
explores the emotion specifically. It's a relatively short book
(first published many years ago by Focus on the Family) that presents
the topic well from a Christian perspective. Of course, having been
awhile since I've read it, I have a copy of it packed away where it's
not easily accessible as I prepare this post. As I recall, he also
does a great job of explaining how we can transmute anger into other
emotions when we deny and avoid it. Many turn anger inward as
depression and self-hatred. If you struggle with this aspect of
forgiveness, I highly recommend this title that I found to be a fast
read.
Though they don't target anger
specifically as a primary topic, I find that the better books on
codependency and woundedness that results from chronic, toxic shame
to be essential, too. Lewis Smedes' many titles
on forgiveness and Sandra Wilson's Released
From Shame as well as Hurt
People Hurt People delve into this
topic and offer excellent insight into developing emotional
self-awareness. They're also focused on how to heal, so they are
tremendously helpful for those coping anger. I also outline my
favorite titles on this topic in this post which offers a
more extensive list of books and what I like most about each of them.
Also in respect to the topic of shame,
David Stoop's Forgiving
our Parents, Forgiving Ourselves was an
early favorite of my own that changed my life soon after it was
published, and I would be remiss if I didn't specifically mention it
here. :) He also wrote the very helpful Forgiving the Unforgivable. It was one of the first books I read that presented the
topic to me in a way that validated my fears about cheap forgiveness
that never results in change that protects the wounded from their
abuser.
Les Carter and Frank Minirth
offer the Anger
Workbook, and it is a favorite of a
dear friend of mine. I've gleaned much from a great many of the
books in the Minirth Meyer Clinic Series when they were first
published decades ago, but I've never delved into this book very
deeply. (But I can't tell you much about the content of it!)
Christian Material Online
This is not an extensive list, but
these resources may be helpful to Christians who are working through
what anger means and how the Bible encourages us to deal with it. I
know virtually nothing about this website, but their
review on the Biblical texts concerning anger provides a
great overview that is short and sweet.
Pastor
Steve Cornell who studied at Philadelphia College of the Bible,
shares a treasure trove of sound wisdom concerning forgiveness on his
blog, Wisdom for Life.
As I think that anyone who really understands forgiveness in a
healthy way does, he's written many
posts on the subject of anger as it relates to the
process. He wisely balances justice for the wounded and abused with
mercy, but he also considers the character that we should have as
Christians and those things God requires of us. You can also download
a pdf of Anger:
Don't Let it Destroy your Life from his church's
website.
Steve
Arteburn and the New Life Clinics also have a list of helpful hints
and tips online which discusses anger.
Secular Resources
Gender and Grief.
Men often process grief as anger, whereas women will tend toward
manifesting grief as depression. Though I don't want to spend a
tremendous amount of time on this subject which can be readily
researched online, I believe that these gender
related differences in grieving style are noteworthy. And in
terms of working through grief itself of which anger can be a part,
one of the most commonly recommended resources is The
Grief Recovery Handbook by
James and Friedman.
A
Master Class in Gremlin
Taming
by Rick Carson
offers a very well rounded approach to anger and other types of self
defeating emotions that people tend to like to ignore. I found this
book very helpful towards understanding my own habits, both good and
bad, but I also found that it helped me understand how other people
deal with anger. I tend to forget that not everyone handles emotions
in the same way that I do, and this book helped expand my
appreciation for perspective. I'd picked it up thinking that it
would most benefit me as I wrestled with my own internal state, and I
was surprised at how it helped my empathy for others grow in that
process.
The
Get Your Angries Out website offers a
wide variety of pragmatic information concerning how to cope with
anger as a motivator for personal growth. The site offers specific
encouragement and exercises for adults, children, parents, and
couples, and much more, focusing on the issue of anger and other
emotions that most people consider negative ones that are really just
part of the full spectrum of being human. When you first learn how
to cope with anger and when you find yourself in the midst of it,
this specific material can be very helpful. (And it's free!) The
Analyze Your Anger
and Do It Better Next Time page can be a great place to start.
~ Anger makes you smaller ~while forgiveness forces you to grow beyond what you were.– Cherie Carter Scott in
Other references used in the
development of this post:
Therapy/course material on forgiveness
developed by Sylvia Hartsoe, MA, LPC, NCC
