One
might think that the first stage of healing from trauma involves
recounting tragic circumstances, but it is actually about creating a
safe place with safe people who can help you heal. In the
previous
post, I described a situation that I had with a counselor who I
don't believe understood trauma very well and didn't use an approach
that was helpful for me.
But
think about that for a moment. This counselor had a master's degree
and many years of experience as a Licensed Professional Counselor,
and they were highly recommended for me. I made the assumption that
she would be a safe person. If she wasn't, who was – especially
because I sought help after a string of events that left me off
balance. I wasn't in any place to make such hard decisions. I had
to reach out to trust someone.
Human
Vulnerability
Looking
back with the wisdom of hindsight, I think now of what has been
written about human
nature and all of the things that we take for granted. Consider
a person that came from a “good
enough” family who is well adjusted – someone who hasn't
suffered a great trauma. Even they are vulnerable to taking short
cuts through all of the decisions we must make every day. Shortcuts
involve risk, and there is also the “learning curve” – the time
of testing which you need to learn about whether a person really is
trustworthy.
Just
based on the context of a situation or even a person's clothing, we
assume that we have an unspoken contract with a policeman, therapist,
doctor, nurse, or a religious adviser because of what their
professions represent. But each time we take information for granted
and make those shortcuts in logic and judgment because of
appearances, we take a risk. We can't go through a complicated
process of evaluating every person we meet, especially when we are
vulnerable. Every person should be aware of the risk that we take
when we trust those cues that we tend to take for granted.
Altered
Level of “Normal”
If we
have just exited a relationship that was in some way abusive or
failed to be safe for us, we are at an even greater disadvantage. We
become conditioned to a new level of “normal” for us that is
really quite abnormal.
We lose perspective. I watched loved ones work at a job where they
were disliked and devalued, and it took a few years for them to
readjust to what was truly healthy and normal because their
expectations for how others treated them had dropped
so low.
Add to
that the extra burden of never really having a good example of “good
enough” if you were raised in a high demand system or family.
Thinking again of one of my feral cats, when I finally was able to
get him to be comfortable inside my home, I set up a little protected
place for him with everything that he needed so he would feel safe.
The pneumonia he suffered from made it a bit easier (much like we can
be when we are off balance from a major life event). Though I made a
comfy bed for him, this poor kitten nestled down in the litter box I
provided. My heart broke because he felt comfortable and safe in
what was most familiar to him. It took three days before he would
choose to sleep on the nest I created for him out of a blanket and
pillow.
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| Pia Mellody's model of core elements of childhood |
If we
grew up in a family that didn't
honor our childhood needs and limitations, our ability to
identify safe people and safe places becomes skewed. I like the way
this author parses out the needs of childhood which can set us up for
difficulties in our adult relationships. We fail to bond with others
when we aren't properly honored and loved. Our examples of
boundaries with others may not even exist. We may be reduced to
objects or people who are owned who exist for service to others
without any identity of our own. We can be seen in a far too
simplistic way as a person who is either all good or all bad with no
shades of gray or color in between. For those who grew up in
families like Quiverfull ones, we were likely not permitted to fully
mature into adulthood.
I've
been working hard on my own recovery for thirty years, and I still
recognize different areas in my life that need to change to provide
for my own safety. And that's okay, though it isn't always fun. I'd
love to kick my feet up and coast, pretending that I've mastered what
so many people with a “good enough” upbringing and life take for
granted. But that idea is also a fantasy. I expect that I will
continue to grow and find more holes in my development and my habits
that make me vulnerable to those who are unsafe. But I've accepted
that it's okay.
More on
safe people and places in the next post.
For
further reading until the next post:
- Robert Cialdini's Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion
- Patrick Carnes' Betrayal Bond
- Henry Cloud's Safe People
- Judith Herman's Trauma and Recovery
- Peter Levine's Waking the Tiger: Healing Trauma
- Bessel Van der Kolk's The
Body Keeps Score
