I
frequently refer to Wendy
Duncan's book which has a chapter entitled something like “I
Never Wanted to Join a Cult” because it is so true. Vyckie
Garrison talks about how she originally just started following
homeschooling, but soon an involved lifestyle gradually became the
center of her entire life. People join high demand groups because
they believe that they've actually found a church or an organization
that will help them meet their spiritual goals and make them better
people. They find people who understand them, and as part of our
human nature, we also find a place where we can reciprocate the
benefit that we gain while working toward a great and virtuous end.
But as in any situation wherein a leader or a system uses others for
profit or gain, a predictable cycle will emerge. Sadly, a
spiritually abusive relationship differs very little from any other
type of abusive one in this respect. People who get out of such
relationships also bear striking emotional themes shared by people
who have left domestic abuse situations.
I once
read many years ago that deception is very snake-like, and I believe
that it is well worth considering here. Snakes don't knock loudly on
your front door, declaring their purposes (like an angry bear would).
They survive through avoidance and subtlety. They will sneak into
cracks in your defenses, and they will disguise themselves as
something good, perhaps by hiding in a package, so that you carry
them into your home willingly. Keep that in mind as you consider
this induction process.
Honeymoon/Calm
Phase
It is during the “honeymoon phase” that people are recruited into the system. Paul Martin used to talk about the “buzz” one feels. Livia Bardin has likened the experience to watching the best blockbuster movie you've ever seen but finding that you're in a staring role and the film never ends. You've found a sense of belonging and believe that you've found the true answers to the things you've looked for all of your life. This phase actually involves a seduction of sorts, offering you solutions to problems and many things that you believe that you can't refuse. The group members and the leaders do this in such a way that you do not realize what is happening to you, and events are orchestrated quite well to deceive you into believing in the benefit offered to you.
Confirmation
bias (described in the previous
post) holds us captive, and during this phase, we are very
unlikely to entertain any doubts about the group. Those who seek to
gain from your involvement will also conceal the negative aspects of
the group from you by controlling the environment and communication.
The language used in the group is also just a bit different, and in
the beginning, it feels something like proof that the group is
actually much better than any others, even within a larger belief
system. “These people really get it,” you will tell yourself.
They will also work very hard at demonstrating to you that you are
valuable, and they will work hard to make you feel special. This is
the process of “love
bombing.” The really negative aspects of things are concealed
from you.
Tension Phase
Aspects of life start to become more like work, and the very positive “honeymoon glow” begins to wear off when it's clear that you've started to form relationships and become involved within the system. Things very subtly begin to change.
In all
groups, there are always formal goals and rules. The most obvious
are found in a church's belief statement and anything formal that you
are told about how the group is structured. There are also informal
rules about how one conducts oneself within any social group as well,
even the healthy ones. They become automatically conveyed guides
about how to behave through conformity to fit in with the group, and
in healthy groups, there is nothing amiss with this process. These
rules are termed the “hidden
curriculum.”
In
emotionally and spiritually abusive groups, the unattractive ideas,
rules, and consequences for breaking those rules are concealed from
the new recruit, but they are learned subtly through the hidden
curriculum. Cognitive dissonance characterizes this phase, a very
subtle type of confusion that arises when what the group says and/or
does varies from what you first assumed or believed about the group.
Things begin to happen that don't quite make sense, or you will hear
about rules or conduct that seem odd to you. Because of one's
attachment to the group and the weight of the positive experience
with it and the charismatic leader, these concerns seem trivial.
During this phase, I learned not to ask too many questions. People
avoid you when you ask questions, giving you the subtle cue that
asking too much will displace you from the true life of the group and
the sense of belonging.
I found
myself thinking things like: “I must have missed something or
misunderstood.” “I don't know the history or the people, and
this is why this doesn't make sense.”
I had an
experience in my group that epitomizes this phase for me. My church
had many quiverfull members who were in my own peer group, but the
middle aged pastor and his wife were not yet on board with this
trend. At that time, the “acceptable” number of children for a
family was three or four, but not more than that. (That expectation
changed as the pastor's quiverfull daughter's family grew.) My
friend found herself pregnant with baby number five on the heels of
number four, and the pastor's wife pulled her in for counseling about
“letting herself go” and behaving irresponsibly for having
another baby. I became quite angry about it, and I asked my friend
about what they realistically expected her to do, now that she was
pregnant. (It was a disciplinary meeting, though I ignorantly tried
to tell my long-term member friend that it couldn't have been.) It
was a very pro-life church, and the numbers of children in growing
families there were frequently referenced by the pastor as evidence
of that. It made absolutely no sense, but the pastor's wife's
concern really had nothing to do with the size of the woman's family.
It had to do with her attitude and lack of conformity. (We were
friends for good reason.) ;) It
was an opportunity to control her through shame.
Confrontation Phase
In
abusive relationships, the mounting tension starts to erupt into more
direct communication and confrontation. In a spiritually abusive
group, the member will begin to experience the unpleasant if not
painful consequences of failure to properly conform with the group's
or the leader's specific expectations. The communication switches
from being pleasant and passive to passive-aggressive. Remember that
the foundation of the process remains dependent on deception, and
“fuzzy logic” still provides the best cover for the hidden agenda
of the group – the best interests of the leader. The messages are
usually mixed and confusing. I often said that they kissed you while
thrusting in the knife. Often, you will not even be given clear
information about the rule that you violated, though you will be
well-aware that you didn't meet the expected standard. Unstated
assumption and vagueness still prevail, but you are given lots of
instruction about the power structure and chain of command.
When the
member experiences this type of discipline, usually through some type
of ostracizing within the group or through temporary removal of some
benefit or privilege, it is usually not presented as a direct
consequence for violation of the rules. It's wrapped up in a
nebulous experience of an attitude problem or some lack of
spirituality as observed by some concerned party who claims to have
your best interests at heart. This makes things harder to connect
back to the rules, and it induces shame. And quite often, the
punishments are not usually commensurate with whatever rule was
broken. This disparagement usually leaves the member quite shocked
and wondering what happened to them which usually causes them to
return to the group to gain favor with leadership again.
There
will also be, according to Henke's Spiritual Abuse model, some
conveying of the idea that the group is superior to others remotely
like it. The tension is just part of maintaing that special status
with God, a needful part of one's spiritual growth, and it's always
under the guidance of the leader because of their special connection
to God. It is the cost of membership. Image consciousness becomes
very important to the member under the threat of loss of status (or
eternal salvation in some cases). The member will be threatened with
some form of abandonment (or permanent removal of privilege within
the group), or the consequences of abandonment will be reiterated
through the citing of some tragic example of a former member as
evidence.
I would
also include the death or demise of a group leader under this
category.
Reconciliation Phase
Both parties basically become very shocked by the confrontation after the frustration has been expressed by the group leader(s) and/or the member. The member is left to deal with shock, injury, incredulity, etc., for the confrontation was never anticipated. It is a betrayal. It is during this phase that apologies and excuses are offered to assuage the member's pain to cause them to pursue a closer relationship with the group. There may also be a great show of caring from the abusive party (damage control) which engenders the sympathy of the injured for the leadership.
Both
parties generally try to excuse the event by creating a myth about
the altercation: "it wasn't that bad and was blown out of
proportion." The member makes the choice to give the abuser
the “benefit of the doubt” and usually employs wishful thinking
to avoid thinking about the pain of loss. This is minimization which
typifies abusive relationships, and it occurs on both sides of the
conflict. The member will feed into it as much as the abuser does.
Denial is also a possibility, as the confrontation quickly and
conveniently slips out of the remembrance of one or both parties.
For me,
this phase lasted only about two months. In addition to the fear of
loss of what VanVonderan and Johnson call “sweat equity” in their
book, The
Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse,
I felt like I could be an agent of positive change in the church. I
believed that I could turn things around and that there was hope
left. Unable to rationalize away domestic abuse and with clear
indications that the leaders had no intention of changing their
position, we decided to walk away from the group. The decision to do
so was very difficult, and it took me many years to recover from the
very confusing mix of great pleasure and great pain that membership
in the group created for me.
The
reconciliation phase poses a critical moment for a member of a high
demand group, for they have the opportunity to really process and
acknowledge what happened to them. People have a choice to make. If
they stay, they have to ignore a lot. If it involves moral
compromise, they have to sear their conscience to make this work. I
was not willing to do this, but it took knowledge of
tolerated/condoned domestic abuse and adultery and a notable bias
against women in marriage to jettison me out of there. Most people
just decide to stay and to ignore the problems. Submission doctrine
comes in handy during these times for those who do decide to stay.
Leaving
I think
that blaming the leader for the experience presents the easiest “out”
for people to process the experience. It is much less threatening to
scapegoat one leader within a group than to admit that the system
and/or the doctrine was problematic. If a person exits a spiritually
abusive church and holds a leader accountable for the problems
without considering the process and dynamics of spiritual abuse, they
are very likely to just move on to another group that follows the
same unhealthy dynamics. People have referred to this as “cult
hopping.” In the quiverfull arena, you will often see people
abandon Bill
Gothard's system, and they'll move into a similar Shepherding
Discipleship group where they find a sense of belonging, but they
don't have to abandon too many beliefs. Many moved into Vision
Forum, and it will be interesting to see what transpires within
the ranks of leadership in the “Family
Integrated Church” movement. Many move into something more
along the lines of the seemingly intellectual Gospel
Coalition, Sovereign Grace, and
John Piper. Some may feel liberated by moving into a Calvary
Chapel or Vineyard
system.
It is
my hope that people who walk away will learn about the dynamics of
spiritual abuse so that they can avoid future heartache.
