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This
past year, I saw this meme that my best friend put up on social
media. I am so happy for her and I'm so glad that she let me be a
part of her life. She let me share in her family life, and her
children, now grown, are still precious to me. She's now a grandma,
and I am so happy for her – and it was so sweet to see her kids
play aunt and uncle.
Another
friend of mine has been overjoyed with her adult children, is about
to become a grandma, and she is so thankful for and proud of her
daughters. She shared a card that her daughter sent to her, and my
heart was just so happy for her. And it's so significant to me
because the parenting she received was lacking in so many ways. Lots
of neglect. Lots of abuse. I think she also takes joy in watching
her daughters conquer their corners of the world and expresses that
joy so freely. (It's something that seems so foreign to me from
my own experience as a daughter.)
I think
that people must think I'm half nuts because sometimes I gush a bit
about how happy I am for them. It means so much to me that they have
something so good and real and honest with their kids. And I think
that it means that I've had a lot of healing. I don't get so sad
anyore, lamenting that I don't share that kind of joy of mutual
acceptance and mutual pride with my mom. I'm happy that others have
it. They should! And it's taken me a long time to be okay with
going “no contact” with my parents and family while having no
children of my own.
When I hear parents relate to their children this way and express love and pride without dysfunction, it almost feels like I get showered with the cool and cleansing overflow of their happiness, and mine joins with them. And it's even greater for me in a way because it's absent from my life – both as a daughter and a mother. I have a greater appreciation for it.
When I hear parents relate to their children this way and express love and pride without dysfunction, it almost feels like I get showered with the cool and cleansing overflow of their happiness, and mine joins with them. And it's even greater for me in a way because it's absent from my life – both as a daughter and a mother. I have a greater appreciation for it.
When I
expressed myself in a would-be art project last Mother's Day, I am
amazed at how liberating it was. (Find
it HERE along with resources at the bottom of the page about
weathering the day when it's more painful than pleasurable for you.
I'll note them here again, too.)
Revisiting
the Cruelty of Quiverfull
It's
been a rough journey living as an evangelical in the midst of the
Quiverfull craze. I'm the same age as Michelle Duggar and spent my
prim childbearing time around those who embraced their spiritual
leader, Bill Gothard. I know of moms who have been trapped by this
bizarre social experiment in cloistering kids away to protect them –
both first and second generations of them. I once referred to we who
were enticed by the social movement as “crash
test dummes” for people who created a brand to make a lot of
money. Some did well while it lasted, and their faithful followers
can still be found.
A
woman that I knew that had almost a dozen kids told a mutual friend
that she thought that I had the best life. She was amazingly
healthy, save for obstetrical and gynecological issues owing to so
many pregnancies, and she didn't realize that chronic illness played
a major factor in why I didn't have kids to start with. But she
understood something of the pain I suffered. She knew that you need
at least three kids to be considered reasonable, but half a dozen is
better. To be considered truly godly, you had to have ten.
Richard:
I never had children either. The whole narrative behind that is a
tragic besetting horror from the past I have to live with. But as
Dido said .. "it's not so bad, it's not so bad …”
A
Mom of Two: I wanted a whole pile of children, as you well
know. QF is painful if you cannot fulfill that wish.
Me:
I remember talking to a friend back in 2008 about my
inclining age and how if I'd managed to eek one out, I might not be
such an outcast. (You don't have to go to a QF church to get snubbed
and judged. There's some of it in our general society, too.)
I
had a moment of realization that I could pop out a couple and I
still wouldn't be acceptable. One would definitely not
do it even though that would be unlikely, considering that I haven't
had a pregnancy since '96.
A
Mom of Two: I was introduced by my fully QF friend at church
with 12 kids as her 'semi-heathen friend with only two kids' once. My
theology was the same as hers at that moment but I was perceived as
sinful because I could not literally bear more children.
Me:
So you had that "moment" of realization, too? I
mean, I know that I was anathema, but there's a
moment in time when you realize that there is no way no how that you
can be really acceptable to them.
A
Mom of Two: Yeah, it was eye
opening considering it was right in the middle of me
helping her so much with a major life change that affected their
whole large family. I worked hard to help her.
Me:
Yeah. Nothing you can do except die so that some other more
worthy younger breeder can adopt your kids into a better family. And
for a time, adoption was anathema.
A
Mom of Two: Yeah, didn't some preachers say that adoption
was taking on other peoples demons?
Me:
Lots of people, but Bill Gothard made it a scary sin cootie
issue and said you were adopting the child's generational curses. So
adoption was like voodoo to them. I don't know how you can be a
Christian at all and not find adoption to be one of the sweetest
rites known to all people, especially Christians.
A
Mom of Two: That is just nuts.
A few
more thoughts on Mother's Day
are yet to come this year.
More About Mother's Day:
Last
Year's Post:
The
post that I wish I could write:
- Margaret Mowczko on the differences in the way women are portrayed in the Old and New Testaments.
And
more for those who have less than ideal relationships with their
moms:
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| Futility by CM Kunsman |
