This
post discusses the use of the cognitive bias of optimism as a coping
mechanism, continued from Part
I here, Part
II here, and Part
III here. It is a part of a broader discussion of how those in
recovery
from trauma can make safer
choices in their relationships.
Sometimes,
I think that life is a process of bursting our bubbles of illusion as
we grow to see reality more clearly. The world can be a chaotic and
terrifying place, but we creative humans have a remarkable ability to
construct an understanding of the world and themselves that gives
them the opportunity to make the most of their resources while
constructing a meaningful and rewarding life. This bubble might be
considered a worldview. And from our culture and our nature, we
develop our own style of communicating and our own style of learning.
We're also faced with a paradox of human need between a healthy
individualism (staying just far enough away from others) and healthy
interdependence (establishing connection, rapport, and solidarity
with others).
As
we see in the example of Gypsy
Rose Lee, as we grow and change, our bubbles of how we see
the world change. Parents face an even greater challenge as they
watch their children change and grow from helpless infant into full
grown adult. New bubbles allow for age appropriate behavior and
burst when new growth and autonomy demand new ones. Styles of
communication and worldviews change as a budding adult finds
themselves and their own way in their own world. They make their own
bubble, and it may be very different from the family bubble that was
once shared by parent and child.
Solidarity
presents a challenge for a parent, for it involves power that
establishes “equal footing between people so that neither one can
tell the other what to do.” Ambition can be misunderstood by a
parent as well. On the surface, ambition might seem to be a ploy to
gain power to exploit it to control others, but with a parent, their
adult child also uses ambition as a means of finding love with their
parent. They want to be heard and not ignored (Tannen,
pp. 101-112). To the parent, it can seem like a type of treason and
lack of appreciation for them instead of a part of their child's
journey to build their own unique and meaningful life.
In
light of my own experience, while I felt consumed by the task of
building my own neglected self-esteem, I felt as if I didn't have
energy enough to take care of my own needs. I certainly didn't have
energy to spend on concerns about metacommunication and a more
patient and compassionate approach to communicating with my family of
origin. I had to work on figuring out who I was first before I could
worry too much about figuring out anyone else. I relied on my “old
bubble” of outlook until I outgrew it. Only then did I have enough
where with all to consider that my unique way of making sense of the
world clashed with the way that my parents did. And to me, a good
bit of that seemed like betrayal by my parents, though it was just a
function of my growth as I learned who I was apart from them.
And
after that first decade, I spent the better part of the next decade
trying to build a rapport to find that solidarity with my parents. I
never succeeded. This must be a great challenge for any parent and
child, but family dysfunction and high demand religion intensify this
already challenging task. If it took thirty years for me to fully
understand this process, I wonder if anything can speed and ease the
process of building a bridge over the gap between a parent and adult
child? The dynamic process requires that the parent adapt to give
their once subordinate child a place of equal footing as an adult
along side them. Some parents fail to manage it.
The
Challenge of Perspective
As
I watched the musical Gypsy
through
wiser eyes, I saw Mama create her own bubbles of optimism which
enabled her to do impossible things. Gypsy Lee Rose creates her own
bubble (and boundary) as well. I remind myself again of the
pressures that Mama Rose faced as a mother of two daughters, trying
to make her way in the world that was so different than ours today.
I remind myself that I cannot judge her by today's standards – that
I must consider the social and economic world of that day so as to
not paint her as a villain. She is both hero and fallible human.
She succeeded against impossible odds, thanks to her created bubble
of fierce optimism. The
guest in the theater witnesses the bursting of these bubbles and the
forming of new ones as life changes for all of the characters.
So
intriged by this, I've started reading Mama
Rose's Turn: The True Story of America's Most Notorious Stage Mom,
a
book written by Carolyn Quinn that was published in 2013. The
author notes how she was intrigued by not only the musical but also
by the disparagements in the memoirs of Gypsy (Louise) and those of
her sister, June.
June produced two memoirs that seem almost as
though they were written by different people featuring glaring
contradictions between them. Quinn found that though Gypsy “tweaked”
her account to indeed cover many elements with humor, external
evidence corroborated her memoir as quite accurate. But as Quinn puts
it, June wrote “one fabrication after another” about her mother
and her family.
Quinn
also brings to the public's attention a perspective that she found in
the letters of Rose Hovick herself, tracing the life of the
formidable woman who faced more challenges than I could ever imagine.
In her Author's Note,
Quinn explains that both daughters made claims to the media that
they'd never received any kind of education, though they both often
learned from hired tutors and did attend schools when it became
possible. Rose responds to her daughters about this matter in a
letter that she wrote in November of 1944:
“Some day the public will know the truth about your mother and they I am sure will not condemn me like you girls have done. I have a clear conscience thank God for the way I raised you both and I know I did all I could for you with what I had to do with.”
Quinn
continues with her own thoughts, noting that “I
realized, with a start, that Rose had foreseen the day when someone
would think to take a closer look at her story and set the record
straight— and that the someone in question was me. It gave me
chills.”
Consequences
for Those Post-Quiverfull
I
hope to also find some kernel of wisdom to help other families find a
place of peace so that they can do what I could not. So many of the
families who suffered through the Quiverfull/Patriarchy
Movement not only face the challenges of generation gaps, but
they also struggle with what too many experience as an aftermath of
destruction caused by the failed religious lifestyle experiment.
As one without a country, I stand apart from both groups of parents and children in this movement – sharing elements of both and neither at the same time while spending most of my adult life surrounded by it. Apart from my own efforts to understand how mothers and daughters can bridge the gaps created by misfortune and religious baggage, I still work to find my rightful place in the discussion. Maybe like Mama Rose, I hope for the day yet to come when all who suffered from this phenomenon can find all that they need to grow beyond it to meet one another in the middle somewhere. But it appears that it will take time.
As one without a country, I stand apart from both groups of parents and children in this movement – sharing elements of both and neither at the same time while spending most of my adult life surrounded by it. Apart from my own efforts to understand how mothers and daughters can bridge the gaps created by misfortune and religious baggage, I still work to find my rightful place in the discussion. Maybe like Mama Rose, I hope for the day yet to come when all who suffered from this phenomenon can find all that they need to grow beyond it to meet one another in the middle somewhere. But it appears that it will take time.
Mothers
and fathers put all of their energy into the bubble they created to
make the patriarchy system work for them. They become the bubble,
and the bubble becomes more important than they are. My family's
bubble was similar and different, but I see after 30 years of
hindsight and growth that our family bubble served a purpose that
held things together to offer my parents and me the chance to survive
in a difficult world.
Most
obviously, I hope that something in this tome and history may help to
prevent the closed culture bubble of Quiverfull from ever
'reforming.'
For
further reading:
- Kafka's short story The Judgement
- Margaret Heffernan's Willful Blindness: Why We Ignore the Obvious at Our Peril
- Judith
Herman's Trauma
and Recovery
