In a
way, it demonstrates the difficulties that we face when we do build
Safety
and work at Stabilization for ourselves as we
recover from trauma. Life also gets in the way of that, as we have
to go on living our lives as we heal. We still have our daily work,
routines, and our ongoing care of self and others. My life has had
the added elements of a couple of recent deaths including the suicide
of a friend, the loss of my 16 year old cat last month, a flaring up
of more than a few chronic illnesses, and a serious injury in my
immediate family. These make the daily grind of all of the other
pressures of life that we all share in common (like the rising cost
of everything and enduring pre-election politics) that much more of a
struggle.
A
Personal Challenge
I view
the privilege of writing and blogging in much the same way as my
approach to music when I did a great deal of performing. I never
liked to perform anything, particularly in song, that I didn't
connect with on a deep level. I have been given a moment of
opportunity to communicate something real, true, valuable, and
hopefully helpful to those who happen to end up reading what I've
written. But like musical performance, the material that I put here
on this blog holds me accountable, as I don't like to write about
anything that has not come to mean something to me personally.
Not only is the process of decision-making a huge topic, in revisiting and in studying new information about the process, that material becomes a mirror where I see my own shortcomings. I'm learning and remembering and revisiting right along with everyone else. Aspiring to let this process change me as I do takes time and energy and honesty.
Not only is the process of decision-making a huge topic, in revisiting and in studying new information about the process, that material becomes a mirror where I see my own shortcomings. I'm learning and remembering and revisiting right along with everyone else. Aspiring to let this process change me as I do takes time and energy and honesty.
The
Challenge of my Own Ignorance
Along
with other pressures in life, I have two emotional responses as I
prepare to write more about the many things that contribute to safey
and stabilization in Stage
One of trauma recovery. The first seems to be a mixture of hope,
awe, and humility as I read many things that I wish someone had
taught me at a much earlier phase in my life. The second emotional
response I find myself manifesting involves a regret over the things
that I have understood in my head, but my heart could not take them
in as my own. That includes the things that I've nearly forgotten –
and all of them would have added more self-care ability and would
have made me more stable if I had remembered them.
Some of
the material I have not honestly thought about in thirty years,
drawing upon some training that I had about decision making. As I look back at that materia, I see it through thirty years of
personal experiences, my view of the world which has grown so much
bigger, and I do it from a place of more personal wholeness. In a
way, the old stuff strikes me as if it is new, and there are new works and research to consider as well. I'm now more able to
comprehend more of it on a deeper level.
I find
myself grieving my young self's lack of insight, just because I hadn't lived on
the planet quite long enough to put that information into a better
perspective. Most of the grief stems from what I might have done or
understood if I had not been so fractured by emotional hardship and
all of the energy that it took for me to juggle so much trauma. Part of
that also has to do with my age and transition
into a new phase of life which trauma healing backtracking has also delayed a bit.
Ouch!
I did not expect
for the preparation for the discussion which involves pulling out old
notes and some books that I remember as good but didn't remember why.
I'm struggling with facing up to my own shortcomings in a new way. I'm not consumed with toxic
shame, so I can see more clearly what I suspect was too painful
for me to see on a first reading. I also see my weaknesses and my
own mistakes. Though knowledge and understanding give me more
stability and contribute to how I can live more safely, I am also now
aware and accountable of the changes I must make and then stick with
to improve and grow.
Robert
Cialdini talks about that human tendency to have others think
about us in the way that we like to think of ourselves – the weapon
of influence that he calls Commitment
and Consistency. I mention that often in my writing, but in my
reading of material that has to do with the deeper reasons why we
fall into such patterns has me thinking of that tendency from a
different perspective.
Much
like the flip side of Cialdini, while it is comfortable for us to pay
attention to those things that make us feel better, the reverse is
true. We don't find it terribly comfortable when someone brings
credible information to us that we don't want to deny, but we find
ourselves wanting. We see our mistakes. We recognize where we went
wrong many times, doing the same ineffective things over again.
As I
prepare to write much more, I also find it necessary to sit with this
discomfort of realizing that I can be a much better and more
responsible person. Some of the changes that I need to make
personally will not be easy for me and will force me to grow up in
areas where I'd rather remain rosy faced and ignorant.
Bright
Light of Hope
The good
benefit of braving some of these things that my ego and my hobgoblin
of foolish consistency finds uncomfortable involves the promise of
healthier life on the other side. That is why Stage One of this
process is so important. I wish that I'd gleaned these things the
first time through my journey when I thought about this process as a
map and a maze so that my choices since then might have been better.
But that is the past, and I can look forward to another trip through
a place that is familiar.
I think
of the first few times that I drove alone to see my grandfather on
the other side of the state where I would see Pennsylvania
Mountain Laurel. When someone else drove the car, I had time to
look through the side windows to see the shrubs along the highway.
When I drove myself, I had to become personally familiar with the
trip, and I learned to anticipate where I might see the shrubs
because I didn't have so many things to juggle while a passenger.
But this time through, I know where the best places to pull over to
stop and see the sights pop up along the way. I'm also not so
frenzied and in such a hurry this time through and can take a detour
and ponder these things at my leisure. I'm also not as burdened and
wounded, so there are more things that I can drink in this time.
So until my next mile marker and sign post blog entry, I'll give you a hint about more material to come as I marinate and ruminate on so many things which I am soaking up along with everyone else.
So until my next mile marker and sign post blog entry, I'll give you a hint about more material to come as I marinate and ruminate on so many things which I am soaking up along with everyone else.
For
further reading until the next post:
- Robert Cialdini's Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion
- Judith Herman's Trauma and Recovery
- Bessel Van der Kolk's The Body Keeps Score
- Francine Shapiro's Getting Past Your Past
