Excerpt from a previous post ~
Purity Balls
A few days ago, I
happened to see some new photos of fathers and daughters at purity
balls by photographer David
Magnusson from his book on the subject that will be available
later this year. The portraits were featured on several online sites,
but despite the “colorful” language of vulgarity in the
commentary, this
site shows more of the pictures in an easy-to-view format. Some
of them look like the dads are getting ready to lead their girls off
to the slaughter, or perhaps they were on their way to a funeral.
Some of them actually remind me of a sick version of American Gothic,
primarily because the poses don't look anything like ones that I find
appropriate for fathers and daughters. I also can't get beyond why
they all look so morbid in their expressions. ??? I'm also noted
for my
strong opinion about the depiction of such a ritual in
Courageous, a
Quiverfull Movement indoctrination film.
Purity Balls
I started to reflect on
my own relationship with my father. We didn't need a special event
to make me feel like I was the apple of his eye. We attended enough
weddings as I was growing up and went out to a nice dinner here and
there for me to understand what it was like for a man to treat me
with great honor in such a setting. I watched how he treated the
brides at those weddings, too. I watched how he treated women in
general in everyday life. And as I would realize acutely into my
first week of marriage about how one relates to their spouse, the
most profound
impression that my father made on me concerning how a woman should be
treated came through his example of how he treated my mother every
day. Setting a good example of how a good man should treat a woman
of valor came through how he loved and cared for my mom. (And I
watched him get better at it over time, too.) That example did not
come through superficial behavior on a few special occasions when
everyone read from the rule book that someone else wrote for them. I
learned through how he lived his life every day.
Follow the Formula?
I think that more often
than not, we humans fall into the trap of mistaking the map for the
territory – part of the big problem of thinking (or lack thereof)
in postmodernism. We mistake what we understand or what we wish was
reality, and we make a fantasy out of it. The idealized, ivory tower
version of what we hope for (the fantasy) may be truly wonderful and
right and good, but it doesn't translate over into real life. So we
go through real life, pretending and creating a world that we can't
really achieve. We go through the motions like actors in a play. We
live in the metaphor and the map instead of the territory itself.
Then we put all of our energy into that map instead of the work
before us. This becomes all the more problematic when
the
map doesn't really match the territory at all.
Do I think that there
is a place for men to be admonished to love their wives and their
children? Absolutely. Can pledges help adults to resolve to be
better people? Absolutely. I don't take issue with that, and I
don't think that most of the trusting people who end up going to
these purity balls are inappropriate with their daughters. But I
don't know that putting that much effort into a purity ball is the
best way to accomplish these things. And I don't know that “dressing
up for dad” is all that healthy once a girl starts heading off into
adulthood. I cringe at the idea of wearing a sexy, elegant dress for my father as some girls in the purity
ball set wear. (Note the picture of the girl with the backless dress and the father/daughter kiss in this commentary.)
What about taking a
daughter out with her family on her birthday every year or perhaps
serving a formal meal at home when money is tight? Isn't that just
as good of an opportunity to demonstrate how a young woman should be
honored? In Christian school, we had a graduation banquet that older
students could attend – something that seemed to serve the same
purpose as a prom. We also dressed up in formal dress for
commencement which the whole school attended. It seemed that there
were plenty of opportunities for nice events. It never seemed to me
that communicating good behavior under such circumstances was that difficult.
Other Problems of
Honorable Mention
I obviously don't
accept the idea (the map) that says that a daughter's virginity
belongs
to her father. A father doesn't answer for the sins
of his daughter or his wife. A woman's body is her own until she
marries, though the New Testament does tell us that one's body is
shared by one's spouse and one's self after marriage – not
as a possession but as a function of being "one flesh" (1
Cor 7). The idea that a father can actually do anything to
preserve his daughter's virtue is an illusion. What if someone has
taken that girl's virginity against her will, unbeknownst to that
father? Statistics indicate that one in three or four girls has been
sexually abused in some way before age eighteen. I'm grateful that
this trend didn't come along until I was well out of my parents'
home.
There is the obvious
issue of asking a child to make a vow before they comprehend
what it means. I suppose that none of us really understand vows
in many ways, but asking a child to make one when they are very young
brings up some ethical questions. This is different than encouraging
a child to aspire to be honorable and to resist sin. I'm concerned
about the problem of coercion at an event that is designed to promote
conformity under pressure concerning things that may be better left
as a private matter between a person and God. I don't know that it
does real harm to a person or whether it helps. Again, I don't know
that the best solution is a pledge or a covenant, especially when a
six year old is asked to sign one. I'm more concerned about the
bandwagon response than I am about whether the pledge is a result of
a genuine desire.
When I watched this documentary produced by the BBC, I took special notice to a father
who said that he participated in the purity balls with two of his
daughters because he had lived such a rough life and felt regret.
(He and his girls first appear just after 22 minutes into the video.)
He'd been promiscuous and talked about his regret over the children
that he'd failed to father – and hoped to see his daughters avoid
similar trouble.
And that comes back
around to the problem of the focus on only young women as the
guardians of purity. I don't think that most of them who have sex
before marriage are dating men who are two or three decades older
than them. Most young people become infatuated with peers in or near
their same age group. Though I understand that this father has teen
daughters, if he feels regret over his actions as a young man, why
does he not focus on talking to young men? Why is there not equal
importance placed on the duty that fathers have to their sons when it
comes to the discussion of purity?
The map is not the
territory – and this map doesn't match the territory, either.
A More Realistic
Celebration of the Territory and the Metaphor
I also happened across
this sweet
montage of pictures yesterday and found it delightful. My
husband and I enjoyed them, and he said that the photographer, Dave
Engeldow, should quit his day job and take more pictures. (You
can join his kickstarter
campaign or just buy
his book like I did.) These seemed more like the joy I shared
with my own father, down to the silliness.
My dad, a surveyor,
worked hard outside all day. Especially in the evening in the winter
after being outside in the cold all day, he'd fall asleep soon after
dinner. I used to dress him up, and sometimes I'd pile laundry on
him and a basket to make it look like he'd fallen asleep folding
clothes. It was a bit of role reversal in comparison with my history while looking at these photos, but
I could clearly note how much this man delighted in his daughter.
They are wonderful! I stole my favorite one and posted it below,
along with his video. Enjoy!
