We can take the hard road of the Path of Healing as an act of obedience to God and virtue, dedicating ourselves to genuine forgiveness which honors both the offended and the offender. We must choose to identify and resist both the Path of Denial which pretends in some way that no offense ever took place as well as the Path of Bitterness which deceives us into believing that we are forgiving when we're only gathering evidence to exonerate ourselves from blame and condemn our offender. We grieve quite a bit during this process and must learn to wisely discern true repentance from mental assent and lip service.
Since forgiveness is so important to
our walk of faith, we should ask if there are ways of limiting the
potential for offense. Developing a more realistic view of
ourselves, others, and how much ability we have to direct our lives
helps us limit offense, just as well as learning to love ourselves.
These areas of growth in our lives make not only easier to love and
accept people and situations honestly, they also help us develop
realistic expectations which prevent the roots from which bitterness
grow. We will inevitably offend one another, either because of our
inherent differences or because of sin and failure, so developing
these traits become something of both personal and spiritual
disciplines. We will be offended, and it is inevitable that we will
also be offensive to others, particularly to whom we are closest
because of our proximity to them. But we can do more. We can
develop our characters as we learn exemplify virtue. What a tall
order for beings who are at enmity with God by nature, finding vice
so much easier than virtues like patience and self sacrifice,
particularly after suffering an offense! This is easier said than
done.
Becoming a “Safe Person”
Recent posts discussed “boundaries”
in relationships, one of the first steps we can take towards the
healthy balance between respect others and a reasonable degree of
respect for ourselves in our relationships. Townsend and Cloud
authored an excellent, landmark book about boundaries from a
Christian perspective, but a book I've actually found their book,
Safe
People, to be an even more important book in my own personal
journey. It frames out the types of struggles we tend to face in
life and offers very practical advice, the next step beyond
boundaries, in a way. Sometimes it is hard to translate the New
Testament's admonishment to into our own lives, and the book offers
Biblical advice to help us apprehend those admonishments so that we
can live them out with more clarity and honesty.
The book teaches many aspects about
“safe people,” whose with whom we can experience trust and
forgiveness more readily, supported by mutual respect and care of one
another. It starts by defining what safe people are not, listing
traits and habits of those who are “unsafe” – those who don't
share both power and responsibility in personal relationships. The
authors teach the reader how they can identify those who put them at
risk emotionally and those who are not capable of respect and
intimacy. It also has a section that echos some of the traits of
vulnerability mentioned in a previous post concerning hard and soft
targets for manipulation. Like
the writings of George Simon, Robert Hare, and Harriet Braiker,
Safe People explores similar habits in our lives that cause us
to choose involvement with people who are unsafe for us.
This information is invaluable to us,
especially if we keep repeating the same mistakes within our
relationships, while also teaching ways of avoiding these
relationship pitfalls. It then goes on, quite obviously, to define
what a truly safe person looks and acts like within a relationship
with us, and why we need such people in our lives. Jesus said in
Matthew
Chapter 10 that we should be both as innocent as doves but yet as
wise as serpents, knowing when to trust and knowing when to “kick
the dust from our feet,” a quite unpleasant act signifying unsafe
relationships to say the least. The book teaches how one can learn
to see others in a more realistic light, teaching how to discern the
true nature of a person and how they will likely treat you and
others.
But what I most enjoyed about this book
was the way that it works much like a mirror that can allow a person
to see themselves, identifying their own strengths as well as their
weaknesses. While it is important to identify safe people with whom
to develop relationships, it is also important to ask oneself, “Am
I also a safe person for others?” Not all of our weaknesses of
character involve our vulnerabilities. God calls us to walk with
others in an attitude well disposed to forgiveness, kindness, and
compassion, and this is a discipline that we learn through
experience. So while the book offers the reader way of self
protection, it all so sets the standard for conduct which challenges
the reader, too.
Building Trust as a Milieu for
Forgiveness
Just as we must weigh the motives of
those who repent of wrongdoing as a necessary step on our journey of
forgiveness, we must learn to have the right motives ourselves. A
previous post touched on how to begin to discern true repentance, but
Safe People delves further into the topic through the study of
traits and character of the person, not just their behaviors
associated with their repentance itself. Talk is cheap, and actions
speak what words cannot. They create and foster a place where trust
can begin to grow and mistrust and betrayal can begin to heal. These
actions and traits can be learned through obedience, love,
contrition, and honesty with ourselves and others. Books like this
one can help us take a step in the right direction. They can help us
apply the principles and virtues taught to us in Scripture in more
concrete ways through example and modern parables that explain how we
can best go about loving our neighbor as we love ourselves.
If you have someone in your life that
has not forgiven you or you are not quite far along enough on your
own personal journey of forgiveness with someone who has offended
you, Safe People can be another set of tools to put into your toolbox
of healing implements. Or would that toolbox be something more along
the lines of a first aid kit, complete with a Balm of Gilead?
The next few posts will explore how a
person can become a safer person with the express intent of
encouraging conditions within relationships that will foster
forgiveness, preparing the way for reconciliation.
Even
more to come
on
forgiveness.
:)
