Before delving into the specific situations and questions that arise on the Path of Healing through the journey of forgiveness, consider these words of wisdom and encouragement.
Thoughts
adapted from
Sandra Wilson's Released
from Shame:
Moving Beyond the Pain of the Past (pp 167-181):
Forsake the Fantasy! You cannot
undo the wrong done, but you can work toward a much better situation
with realistic expectations for the future if you accept the
situation and its limitations. Let go of yesterday so that you can
embrace tomorrow. Accept a realistic view of the situation and the
people involved. Consider their limitations. too. Don't pit your
desire or compulsion to reconcile against their needs and
limitations, but be patient and loving with them (after you've
completed your grieving).
Remember that repentance is often a
process for the other party as well. If the person who has
offended you is hard hearted or cannot release their own fantasy
version of what they want to be or want to believe happened, give God
an opportunity to work with them. This is why it is important to
work on your grieving process. When you actively experience intense
pain, you only have so much patience, and your own pain depletes it.
When you dive into cheap forgiveness before you've allowed God to
initiate your internal healing, it becomes nearly impossible to show
love and understanding to the person who has hurt you. The timing of
forgiveness is important.
Release the right to get even or to
seek restitution yourself. Repent yourself of your own desire to
see justice and embrace the miracle of forgiveness, especially if
your wounds are deep.
Build your faith in God's
faithfulness. If the situation does not provide for restitution
or even repentance on the part of the offender, look to God and trust
Him for restitution. (See the Prayer of Serenity.) God may be
working on a different time table and may be using the situation to
work some greater good in the future – for your best benefit and
His greatest glory. Consider that you're just not able to see how
the process will come together for good in the future.
Forgiveness requires admitting that
forgiving is not merely difficult, it is humanly impossible. God
doesn't call us to forgive without supplying the power to do it, and
He has provided the indwelling Holy Spirit to empower us. He works
in us to will and do of His good pleasure, and He's able to complete
every good work He's begun in you.
Don't forget to forgive yourself,
often the hardest person you'll ever have to learn to forgive. Do
not try to “help” God through punishing yourself for failures for
things beyond your control. Do not punish yourself for your own sins
for which you've repented and forsaken.
Commit to New Choices
 |
| (Source) |
Don't settle for cheap forgiveness,
and don't try to bypass grieving or confrontation when they are
necessary. Study forgiveness and work at the process from as broad
of a perspective as you can. Stay committed to abandoning the
fantasy in favor of “radical realism.”
Don't bypass justice and
confrontation. Many high demand groups teach that Christians
have no rights and must endure injustice without ever seeking safety
and freedom from pain or abuse. This is not what the Bible teaches
but is a twisting of the truth to exploit others through
manipulation. We are to take suffering with patience, but we should
also seek to be free if we can.
Consider that the person may not
realize or believe that they've been offensive. If the person
who has hurt you doesn't realize that they've hurt you or doesn't
care about the consequences that you've suffered, if you do nothing
and say nothing, the treatment will continue. What if the offense is
one of ignorance instead of a deliberate one? They may not know that
they've violated your boundaries. You have no power in yourself to
establish boundaries for another adult, but you can establish and
defend boundaries concerning what you will tolerate from them.
Consider your moral duties. You
may not be the only person who has suffered the same wrongs at the
hand of your offender. If you don't set any boundaries or seek
justice, you may be setting someone else up for the same
mistreatment. You may have some duty to others to come forward to
seek justice, depending on the offense.
Stop cultivating bitterness, and
work toward the practice gratitude and empathy. Gratitude
refocuses your attention on the blessings that you do have and
encourages you to walk in faith and hope. When you've worked through
grief, aspire to learn about how the other party with whom you have
conflict feels about the situation. Try to understand as much as you
can about their perspective. It will give you more compassion and
understanding for them and will foster an attitude of love.
Consider that forgiveness at work is
a process of redemption. As Genesis 50:20 and Romans 8:28-29
attest, what seems evil and painful and destructive can be
transformed by God into something powerful and good. Both passages
of Scripture include the promise of some type of salvation, both
physical and spiritual. Use this to foster your sense of faith and
hope, too. Find the potential and the purpose in the process.
Now, on to more discussion of the specifics
of these considerations when following the
