The
reader writes to ask what the Botkin Family Model is called when you
pull the dynamics out of a Christian or religious context. The
reader hopes to find as much information about the problem from a
variety of perspectives, particularly secular ones, and Borderline
Personality Disorder was specifically mentioned in the
correspondence.
~~~~~
Dear
_______,
About
the Christian Perspective
In terms
of Christianity, I think that the patterns of behavior recommended by
the Botkin Family constitutes an idolatry of parents and family.
(Please take note that this is not a mental health or
medical “diagnosis” of any type but was a name that was applied to
the followers of this ideology and was bestowed upon them by a group
of homeschooling moms.
The
group of Christians that propagate the idea of the “Daughterhood
Movement” within a Christian homeschooling sect described by what
is referred to as “Biblical Patriarchy” sees family as somewhat
salvific or an essential and critical element of the spiritual
“salvation” process. The ideology draws from principles of
adopting the submission doctrines that were made popular in the
Shepherding Discipleship Movement, aberrant theology that resulted as
a reaction to the Charismatic Renewal of the late '60s/early70s.
(Read more about the history of the Shepherding
Movement HERE and the theology
of submission HERE.)
In terms
of Christianity, another way of describing the belief system might
include the pursuit of the virtues of family not by following the
guiding of the Holy Spirit or the principles that are found in the
two greatest commandments, but rather by a program which draws on the
works of the flesh as Paul described them in the Book of Galatians.
Elements of the process and the formulaic life prescribed by the
group may have many Christian elements and often espouses aspects of
Christian virtues, but those who pursue the endpoint of the system
use dynamics and means are not expressly or necessarily Christian.
It is a system of salvation by good works which is very similar to
the system advanced by Bill Gothard's organization, widely discussed
at the Recovering Grace
website. A list of blog posts pertaining to Gothard's system on
this site appear HERE.
The
Secular Perspective
In
terms of psychology, these patterns of behavior and the dynamics
taught by the movement are entirely consistent with what is generally
described as family dysfunction.
Murray
Bowen, a psychiatrist in the '60s became the pioneer of family
therapy, coining the terms of "triangulation"
(ineffective and passive communication among three people
instead of direct, assertive communication between two) and the
"undifferentiated
ego mass" (describing the natural state of children within
families who are too young to have developed their own identity but a
pathologic state when continued into adulthood). Both of these
descriptors and key concepts of family dysfunction are well described
by Bowen's original landmark work. Christian author David
Stoop draws heavily on Murray Bowen's model in describing
conflict within Christian families in his series of books on this
subject.
In
the '70s, Salvador
Minuchin whose works popularized the term "enmeshment"
wherein he further described and delineated the same types of
dynamics within families that Bowen observed and taught within his
model of family therapy. He described the loss of
individuality and identity of family members within such families or
with one or more members within the family system. Individuals
are denied a healthy sense of autonomy and decision making because of
the over involvement or one or more family members resulting in a
functional handicap for that enmeshed individual. Affected
family members fail to develop a clear, healthy, and functional sense
of self. Personal boundaries become obscured or are
non-existent between family members in enmeshed systems.
In
the '80s when "Codependency" became a popular term, it went
on to further describe enmeshment and the problems that result from
the dysfunction – factors generally seen as the root problem noted
in individuals who struggle with addiction, whether it be through
compulsive behavior or substance abuse. Several authors in this
genre used the terms "covert incest" and "emotional
incest" to describe enmeshment that occurs between parent and
child when a parent uses a child to meet their own needs that are
only appropriately met by another adult. Children lack
the sophistication, experience, and resources of adults needed
to set limits on appropriate behavior, as they rely upon adults
(particularly their primary parent) to teach them these skills and
appropriate standards of conduct. The child is duty bound to
please the parent and rely upon them for their survival and basic
needs, so they have no ability to protest or question the adult's
behavior. When a parent uses the child to draw from them to
meet their own adult needs instead of supplying those things to the
child, they draw the child into the world of adults and obligate that
child to provide for their adult needs. The child ends up
paying the price for the parent's deficits by feeling responsible and
by becoming consumed with meeting the needs of the parent.
I've
written about this at No Longer Quivering HERE, and
I would take note of the tag list there noting the authors tags to get
ideas about books that will help you understand these dynamics. I
also wrote this
long series on this effect on UnderMuchGrace.com earlier
this year describing the ways this situation develops by using Pia
Melody's work, though there are many other authors who write on this
subject. I liked the way Pia broke down the problem into
categories and focused on the neediness of the child. I also like her
writing on Love
Addiction and Love Avoidance which
describes the pathology that enmeshment tends to produce in enmeshed
adults and how it affects how those adults relate to the opposite
sex. Love Addiction/Love Avoidance are a deeper set of problems
and a subset of codependency, according to Pia Melody. Another
author who writes extensively on this topic is John Bradshaw.
Another book that I particularly like but have never discussed online
is Hurt People Hurt People by Sandra Wilson.
Psychology
and the addictions/recovery specialty describes the dynamics of
“Botkin Syndrome” using many of these terms:
- Family Dysfunction
- Undifferentiated Ego Mass
- Enmeshment
- Co-dependency
- Toxic Shame
- Covert Incest
- Emotional Incest
- In some cases, Love Addiction and/or Love Avoidance also apply if the therapist accepts these models and opts to use them.
In
terms of the DSM, the manual of criteria that is used for the
diagnosis of mental health disorders, these conditions can foster the
development of dependent and avoidant personality types. They could
possibly promote the development of other types of personality
disorders, obsessive-compulsive traits, some types of trauma, and
addictive behavior as well. Skilled and credentialed mental health
professionals must diagnose these types of problems through a
detailed process of history and assessment, though the development of
these kinds of conditions in individuals are often very complicated
and don't usually boil down to a single or simple factor. As a
registered nurse, I can assess traits that are reflective of certain
traits and findings, and I can teach information about certain
disorders, but I am not licensed to diagnose or treat any such
conditions. If you have a loved one that suffers with problems that
information on this blog describes, in addition to the resources
listed here, I highly recommend private counseling with a licensed
therapist. A therapist can help you work through your specific
problems with your loved one by serving as a sounding board to help
you broaden your perspective, helping you to develop effective coping
strategies, and providing emotional support.
I
cannot recommend Surviving
the Borderline Parent (Roth,
et. al.) and Understanding
the Borderline Mother (Lawson)
more highly, as well as a book called Trapped
in the Mirror
(Golomb). There are also many other newer books dealing with
personality disorders, and I've written several blog
posts about narcissism and personality disorders HERE.
BPD Central.com also offers
message boards and helpful information pages. I'm very grateful to
author Randi Kreiger who hosts BPD Central for her help and
assistance. In the past, she's privately provided occasional peer review on
some related projects and writings that appear on this website.
Randi authored several
excellent books on the topic and focuses on effective
communication.
The blog (renamed as) Enmeshed for Jesus specifically explores aspects of enmeshment in
general, the mission of that blog. Any info about narcissism
also addresses the problems faced by the loved ones of those who
suffer Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) which you expressed as a
subject of interest. I recently came across this informative site,
Light's
House, that is loaded with easy to read, practical information.
Even if you have a BP in your life who does not have a diagnosis with
Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), make sure to look over the
narcissism pages at Light's House website as well. (About a third of
people with BPD also meet criteria for an NPD diagnosis.)
Hope
that helps!
Cindy
revised 21Feb19
