I thought that after walking around
with white tonsils for about six months (growing everything I
encountered in nursing school in my throat) and having endured a
childhood wherein I walked around with some kind of upper respiratory
infection (URI) most all of the time, I figured that I knew a great
deal about throat pain. Finally, after suffering so long, and
concerned that I wouldn't be able to work in my chosen profession of
nursing due chronic URIs, just before I would graduate from the first
phase of nursing school which qualified me to take boards to become
an RN, my doctors finally agreed that I should have a tonsillectomy.
I knew that the surgery was much more dangerous as an adult, as much
as I was one at the age of 19. But at that point, I thought I was an
expert in throat pain.
I no longer remember what the
preoperative process was like, now 26 years ago, only that I was angry that they
only gave me an oral Valium as a pre-op drug. I wanted to have the
experience of an IM injection while I was on the receiving end of the
surgery experience. I will not forget waking up however, and the
experience changed my outlook as a nurse.
I'd gone into surgery with a painful
throat infection that was not responding to treatment. Both tonsils were still covered in a white blood cell
rich coating with the left tonsil so swollen that it filled nearly the whole
cavity in the back of my throat and pushed up against the right tonsil. I had a fever, and I loaded up on Tylenol to break it so that they wouldn't postpone the surgery. I felt
terrible, but I looked forward to having only a surgical wound
instead of the constant tender soreness of a sick tonsil for months
on end. I anticipated good things, as a surgical cut always heals
faster than a tear (which his how I envisioned my tonsil). The girl
in the bed next to me, about my same age, had what the surgeon
described as “embedded” tonsils which he planned to have to dig out, and mine were ripe and dangling
for the plucking. All
good signs, right?
I don't think that anything could have
prepared me for the experience of awakening in the recovery room. I
know how I struggled with my clinical workload in school, but my nurse never
spoke a word to me -- not once. And I found that I couldn't speak. I remember black, and strange
clinical sounding noises, feeling incredibly cold, all background
window dressing for the BLINDING, tearing, screaming, dry throat pain
to which I awakened. I'd suffered broken bones, too, and I thought I had some understanding of pain. But I'd never felt anything like this hot, burning,
blinding pain in which I felt like I was floating.
I opened my eyes. White ceiling. I
tried to look at the room, and I couldn't see, not without lifting my
head a little. Oh my GOD, HELP ME! It felt like my throat was
tearing as I tried to lift my head to see where I was. Some woman
with jet black hair in a pixie cut appeared over top of me and made
eye contact with me pretty quickly after I'd tried to move to see
what the room was like. Without speaking, she plunked a cup of ice
chips in my hand, but I laid there, feeling as frozen as they were. I must have been in the Post Anesthesia Care and Recovery
Unit, but I was never repositioned in a way that allowed me to see
where I was. I only could see the ceiling the whole time, feeling as
though I was floating in pain with just my head above it, allowing me
to draw air. I was completely wrong in my pre-op idea of what the
pain would be like. I thought I'd experienced every kind of throat
pain, and I imaged that it would be different-better. It was
different-worse, beyond
anything I'd imagined before.
The floating in
pain feeling was very a difficult and disorienting experience,
especially as I was unable to move to see the room without making things feel worse. Everything I
could see, save that quick glimpse of that woman's face was white.
Even that cup of ice was white, and my hand was buried in the sheet.
This is surgery?
Suddenly,
I saw the face of my surgeon looking down at me with a scrunched
forehead of concern. He was grey haired, and he wore green scrubs with a
green scrub material hat that was tightly wrapped against his
forehead. He said, “You've been asleep for awhile, and you're in
recovery now. The surgery went well.” And as he tightened his
forehead a little more and leaned into my field of vision a bit more
to make better eye contact, he put his firm, strong hand of assurance
on mine saying, “I know that it
really hurts. You don't have to talk.” I must have had an
expression that tried to convey a million different things, as I
certainly felt that way. This experience became an
unexpected and vivid memory associated with that trauma of the unexpected pain, and I'm reliving
it as I write. This surprises me a bit – how powerful it feels for
me, even now, even knowing that it was a part of my healing.
I cannot really
explain what happened to me in that moment when he touched me, but I
suddenly became a fixed point in space instead of a floating object
in a field of white and black pain. It was a flood of awareness of
contrasts. He was as warm as I was cold. He was as strong as I was
weak. And I felt like I was a sucking mass of pain, and when he
touched me so firmly with such strong confidence and reassurance, I
felt like he poured a fountain of strength into me which re-fixed me
in time and space. I knew where I was, and someone knew and cared
about my pain. I would not be left without help. It was such a
dramatic change for me in that moment, I wondered if I'd drawn all of
the strength out of him because I was in such need of it and took so
much encouragement from his touch. I thought that this might have
been what happened to the woman with the issue of blood when she
touched the hem of Jesus garment, or the tassel on His Talit,
whichever it was.
Not until then did
I find the strength to break out of my frozen state of body and mind
to manage to feel over with my left hand to get to that cup the black
haired woman plunked into my right hand, all without telling me I could or
should eat those ice chips or where I was. No one spoke to me again until
the that nurse who had given me that Valium tablet in my room hours
earlier asked me to slide back over into my bed. No one asked about
my pain or offered pain medicine to me until the night nurse made her
rounds at about 2 AM. And she insisted that I take it after I tried
to say that I didn't need it. I didn't want to swallow, and thought
I'd tough out the pain. I'd made it this far, right?
When I look back on
that experience from my perspective now, I knew that I was
doing perfectly fine. My breathing was perfect and my throat didn't
bleed. (Unlike children, adults face a serious hemorrhage risk after
a tonsillectomy.) But even considering that I would graduate from
nursing school in about six weeks, until my surgeon showed me so much
kindness, validating
how I felt and that he knew and had compassion... I feel that without
that experience of him touching my arm with confidence, I probably
wouldn't have lived. That's how I felt emotionally. I know that I would have, but that is not how
it felt at the time. I made it a point thereafter to acknowledge my patients'
experience of pain and always made an effort to greet and reorient
them after surgery. And remembering the power of my surgeon's strong
hand, I made sure to always do the same with some touch of
reassurance, usually by firmly touching their hand with my own reassurance.
Making Good Use of Pain
In
some way, I hope that is what I am doing through this blog and
specifically through this subject matter concerning Post Traumatic
Stress. There is a terrible disorienting feeling of floating in pain
about it and the question in your mind that “This surely
should not hurt this much.” I
think that for those with the most earnest hearts who are willing to
open up their hands and hearts to what God is trying to teach them,
it hurts beyond a person's ability to fathom. I hope that what I
write here will be a point to fix people who are floating in the
disorientation of unanticipated pain back into time and space, just
like my surgeon's hand was on mine that day so many years ago. I
hope that through what people read here, that the material will flood
people with the message of hope, that though it hurts, it is both a
part of being sick and a part of the healing that takes place. And
as my experience taught me important lessons about how to be a better
nurse, I hope that people will heal to go on to learn their own
greater sense of kindness with others in distress.
I would go on for
the next two weeks in intense and constant pain, finding it
difficult. I didn't want to eat, and I drank only when I had to
drink. The fatigue was terrible. My throat burned like fire from
the pain medicine. Out of concern that I wasn't eating and to give
me something with more substance, my mother thought pear nectar would
be good, but it felt like I was swallowing sand or ground glass. I'd
realize in a day or two that, during surgery, they'd put the breathing tube into me through the left nostril, and
that sinus hurt and drained like mad which aggravated my throat.
What another added little bonus from which to recover, as I suffered
with frequent sinus infections, too. I think that the burning
persisted for three weeks, and I'd wrongly anticipated that the
surgical wound would limit that type of pain to only three days or
so. It ripped and tore when I tried to open my mouth, especially
when the surgeon wanted to examine me before I left the hospital. It
ripped and tore and burned in the doctor's office, three weeks after
the surgery and for a long time thereafter. I remember how painful a
yawn was, for a whole month, and I dreaded any kind of involuntary
thing like a yawn or a sneeze or a gag. It took so long to heal from
that inflammation and soreness and burning and tearing because the
tissue didn't want to stretch.
What did happen
with the URIs I used to get? Not quite twenty years later, I would
have surgery again on my sinuses for chronic infection. They didn't have
the technology at the time of my tonsil surgery to do fiberoptic
scoping and scraping to both open my and repair my sinuses which were a mess on CT scan. I think of this as
analogous to my spiritual abuse experience. My tonsils were not the
primary source of the problem: my sinuses were the source of
infection that kept my tonsils busy. (The sinus issue
comes from a different, underlying immune problem, too.)
In the same sense in a strange analogy, my church experiences (like my throat infections) were only a place to where I transferred the problems that I suffered in my family of origin (which were more like my sinuses). The immune system problems that caused the sinus infections were more like my false ideas about reality, and the toxic shame I carried. They were the deeper source. Likewise, not all people but many will realize that after they leave a spiritually abusive church, they discover that they have a different root source where their deeper pain and abuse first began. Be prepared to look deeper into your heart, as God may be using spiritual abuse as an instrument to work on a deeper roots of pain in your heart and mind.
In the same sense in a strange analogy, my church experiences (like my throat infections) were only a place to where I transferred the problems that I suffered in my family of origin (which were more like my sinuses). The immune system problems that caused the sinus infections were more like my false ideas about reality, and the toxic shame I carried. They were the deeper source. Likewise, not all people but many will realize that after they leave a spiritually abusive church, they discover that they have a different root source where their deeper pain and abuse first began. Be prepared to look deeper into your heart, as God may be using spiritual abuse as an instrument to work on a deeper roots of pain in your heart and mind.
I get mail from
people from time to time that had really hard experiences of
spiritual abuse. They often will say things that remind me of my
recovery from surgery -- that it shouldn't hurt this much. Religion should be about soothing pain, not creating pain, and pain that lasts a long time. I offer this analogy to them. It hurts, and it may have roots that run deep to reveal deeper sources. Don't be afraid of them. Let God work them together for good for your healing. Squeeze every bit of usefulness out of the pain and learn all that you can from them. Let it have its perfect work.
To those who
downplay the significance of spiritual abuse and find the thought
reform perspective inaccurate or unhelpful, I hope that you
will carry away the message that you don't necessarily have to appreciate the whole package. But please take away with you the message that kindness to someone in
the throws of pain and the hard work of recovery will help them
tremendously. Be kind to them – be kind to your friends and your
family (and perhaps yourself) even if you don't understand the
process. That kindness can go a very long way.