I suffered so much disappointment and
distress during the last two years at my spiritually abusive church,
and the year after I left was just as difficult. I hate to say it,
but I also struggled with aspects of the betrayal bond I'd formed with it. While coping
with the post-cult syndrome variety of Post Traumatic Stress
Disorder, I could not find any former members who were all that
interested in talking about their own experiences. I approached
several people that I trusted via phone calls, and no one would call
me back. One woman who suffered with bipolar disorder called me soon
after it was obvious that we'd left the church, and she agreed with
me about the stress as well as the swing toward open authoritarianism
(which we'd not noticed when we both joined the church, round about
the same time). We both agreed that we'd joined the church during a calm/honeymoon phase in the cycle of abuse. We never contacted one another after that, and I felt awkward talking about the matter -- my first experience telling anyone at the church what had happened to me and why I left.
Two other women from the church called
to ask me very honestly about why we left – both women I adored. I
told them that when I found credible help for what I was going
through, I learned from this counsel that because of membership there, I'd developed
all of the same symptoms of anyone who'd just left any type of cult,
naming the Moonies specifically. Of course, their end of the line
went silent. I'd decided ahead of time that if I were asked, I would
be honest, but I wouldn't push the matter. I would be gracious and
say little, sticking closely to what I was experiencing objectively as opposed to
mentioning the specifics of the abuses we observed, very directly accusing the church with those specifics. I was tempted to
talk about the “wife beater's home group” Bible study and the
fact that an elder said that I should live in fear of death and
disease because we'd left without the elders' and pastors' blessing.
But I said nothing, save to offer pretty discrete answers to specific
questions. I was still very afraid and disappointed in myself, though I'd really done a brave and virtuous thing by walking away.
There were a few people who understood
some of the problems I faced, and my own best friend was transitioning out of
the group as well. When I found the anti-cult literature and the
exit counselor, I'd hoped to encourage others with the same
information, my best friend being one of them. I hoped we could put together a type of support group type so that we could learn about the reasons why the group did what
they did, affirming one another as we shared our similar experiences.
Everyone I talked with had essentially grown up attending that
church and found the cult reference too disturbing. So while some of
these women would listen, they wouldn't chime in. One of the women who left the church when I did became involved with four other aberrant churches before she
would “get it” about the system (spiritual abuse) as opposed to the place and the people.
Personal Recovery
In addition to the general struggle of
the general aspects of spiritual abuse, my exit counselor told me
that I needed to go to a counselor for help because of the symptoms I
struggled with. I'd been sexually abused as a child, and I'd started
having dreams about that abuse, but with my pastor's face on my
abuser's body. I've understood all that as my mind's way of saying
“You know what this is. It has happened before, but in a
different way.” How amazed I was to read later that year that
others had described their spiritual abuse experience as a rape of
the mind and soul. But I also began to realize that my church was
not the only pressure that made unreasonable and demeaning demands of
me, and issues with my parents began to surface. I had a sense, even
in those first few months that a good chunk of my whole spiritual
life (related to the Word of Faith influences) was tainted with manipulation, too. I'd ended up in the
Shepherding Movement, the particular brand of spiritual abuse used at the church I'd just left, because I rejected the illogical and
unreasonable abusiveness of the Word of Faith Movement. All of
that was really beyond the scope of the exit counselor.
In
a post many weeks ago, I mentioned wanting to fly across the room
at the first (nouthetic) counselor I met with, but I ended up finding excellent
help with the bereavement counselor who worked for the Hospice where
I was a nurse. She listened, helped me with self-soothing
techniques, and she really surprised me one day with a watershed
comment which spoke of the “betrayal
bond” I'd formed with the pastor. Apparently, I would talk
about my frustration with the lies and the justification of domestic
abuse that I'd witnessed in my pastor, and then, I'd apparently go
into a mantra about how good he was. After a few weeks, my counselor
looked at me and said, “You know, you are
his biggest defender.” This was perhaps the most
powerful moment in all of the work we did together. She worked with
me and walked with me as I confronted this with her help. I
manifested so many of those compulsive relationship habits of
traumatic bonding, but I finally accepted that what I experienced was
abusive. She helped me honor and experience my anger, but it took
some time before I could express that anger at over my pastor's (and church's) betrayal
specifically.
Most people want to blame their
suffering on a specific person as the cause, but they usually defend the system and the traditions that they followed while in it. I could not
deny and found wisdom and peace in the realization of the problems
with the system of the church. I differed from most, because I struggled to
lay appropriate blame with the responsible individuals as I made
sense of the experience. I struggled compulsively
to defend and exonerate my primary abuser, my pastor. But I'd been primed
for abuse in this way, raised with those deficits in my emotional
development growing up. I'd been taught that absorbing blame was the
Christian thing to do, and criticizing a pastor was a sin. My mother
carried ideas from Shepherding that required unquestioned devotion to
one's minister, and one could not “touch God's anointed.”
To a great degree, this fell to authority figures as well. I had
much to overcome in this part of my healing.
The Letter
After nearly a year, I felt that I
needed to do something to release my pastor and elders, and a few
other people who really facilitated the cultic system at the church
and within the seminary where my husband and I were both involved. I
was still angry, still learning about all that had happened to me and
what I was going through. As noted in the post about the anger I
felt, I had a great moral duty to forgive these men. About nine
months after we left the church, we relocated in another State. Had
we still lived in the area, I don't know that I would have done such
a bold thing or been so honest in my letter. I was too afraid of
seeing people from the church in the supermarket, and the freedom of
not running into anyone from the church became quite a perk of moving
away. I wrote letters, stamped them, then mailed them all in a
package to a friend to just drop in the mailbox for me. I didn't
want anyone who received a letter having any ability to track us
down.
I felt a duty to warn these men (and a
couple of women) that they were hurting sheep with a very
dangerous set of practices. I considered them my Christian brothers, and I also considered that if I were doing something similar and didn't know, I would want someone to tell me, no matter how troubling. I felt that if I didn't give them some way of learning about spiritual abuse and challenging them to consider their actions, I couldn't stand blameless before God. I also believed that I had a duty to those people over whom they lorded themselves. I couldn't abandon them there without trying to do what I could to stop the abuse. My husband processed things differently and decided that these men had not behaved like true Christians and no longer considered them to be brethren as he once had. But he was able to make a cleaner break from the experience than I did in many ways, and I couldn't do that until I confronted them.
dangerous set of practices. I considered them my Christian brothers, and I also considered that if I were doing something similar and didn't know, I would want someone to tell me, no matter how troubling. I felt that if I didn't give them some way of learning about spiritual abuse and challenging them to consider their actions, I couldn't stand blameless before God. I also believed that I had a duty to those people over whom they lorded themselves. I couldn't abandon them there without trying to do what I could to stop the abuse. My husband processed things differently and decided that these men had not behaved like true Christians and no longer considered them to be brethren as he once had. But he was able to make a cleaner break from the experience than I did in many ways, and I couldn't do that until I confronted them.
What did I write?
I don't believe that I kept a copy of the letter, though for the purposes of this blog post, I wish that I had. I fit it all on one side of one page. I explained that I'd learned that their religious system was spiritually abusive, listed books that defended the thesis of spiritual abuse in evangelical churches in particular, and I think that I threw Singer's Cults in Our Midst in there, too. I didn't offer a lengthy explanation at all. If they wanted to find out what Spiritual Abuse was and cared enough, they could buy their own copies of Johnson and VanVonderan's Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse. I struggled with whether to include what I'd said to those two women on the phone about suffering from the same symptoms as a Moonie who'd just left the cult, as I feared that they would merely laugh at me and discredit the rest of what I had to say. I believe that I included it anyway, realizing that there was little likelihood that they'd take any of what I'd written to heart. But I don't exactly remember anymore.
I told them that they were not entirely
to blame and that I was complicit in what happened at the church. I
agreed to make them my authority to some extent, even though I was
never given informed consent about the system. They didn't hold a
gun to my head, but they were responsible for the manipulation and
coercion. I wanted to take responsibility for my part in things, but
I left them with full knowledge of what I believed about how they
treated their flock. It was up to them to deal with that themselves
on their own terms with God.
I stated that I didn't want to hear
from any of them ever again. (I was still washed over with grief and fear.) If they wished to seek me out to
discuss matters, to seek my forgiveness, or to offer restitution,
they should offer such to God in prayer through their own repentance to Him.
I told them that the letter was my line in the sand by which I
released them from any duty owed to me – and I stated that I
believed that they owed me such a duty. And thereafter, I didn't
struggle with forgiveness. I found the letter to be very liberating,
and it freed me to focus on other aspects of recovery.
In years to come, from time to time, I
would get angry about aspects of things as I recalled them. I would
then yield these matters and them to God again, honoring my
commitment to forgive them. But I don't believe that I've felt any
anger toward any of them in quite a long time. I no longer fear
them, either, but I imagine that my heart rate would shoot up if I bumped into one of them today. :) But I needed to write that letter, and I felt a duty
to send it. Not everyone comes to these same conclusions, and they
can forgive without confrontation. My husband didn't see the need to
do so, but he did have the opportunity to “tell off” the
assistant pastor a few weeks after we left the church. He'd called
our home during the day, expecting to catch me alone to manipulate
me. Instead, my husband answered, causing the caller to stammer. (Today I
would love to have a tape of the call, but then, it probably would
have terrified me.) I think that whatever my husband said to him
freed him from any duty he had to confront anyone there.
Advice?
I'm often asked by people who are
preparing to exit a group about whether they should confront their
pastors and leaders about their convictions and reasons for leaving.
People need to do what they need to do, and they must be true to
their convictions. In general, I recommend that people stay as far
away from “ground zero” as they possibly can. Most leaders will
kick into damage control mode and will be angered if challenged –
and most spiritually abusive guru leaders will feel somewhat
threatened. They also will very likely attempt to manipulate, shame,
and berate to stop you from spreading your doubts and information
that will cause others to think, claiming that you are an agent of
evil who threatens the unity of the body (as opposed to threatening
their control over the milieu of the group).
Because I believe that the exit process
is tough enough without a lot of confrontation, I encourage people to
just leave as quietly as possible. (This series of posts explains why in greater detail.) You can always go back after
you've processed your emotions, thoughts, and even your feelings
about religion and spirituality. You will be less vulnerable to
their tactics and their aggression after you've stepped back and
dissociated yourself from the group and the system. We're not
supposed to ignite strife, and this is easier to do with more
perspective after some time has passed. If' you've effectively left
a group , there's less likelihood that the group will work that hard
to get you back. They're more likely to continue to shun you,
because after waking up your critical thought, you're generally going
to be seen too much of an effort to control.
The
Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse contains a chapter that
discusses considerations about whether to remain in a group as an
agent of change or whether to leave. For those who struggle with how
to or whether to confront their group leaders, before or after they
leave, this book may help you work through the costs, risks, and
benefits of your options.
My greater struggle involved forgiving
God for letting the whole painful experience happen to me and for
letting the group continue after I exited...
Addendum 24Jan13: After posting this, I've decided to include an incident that happened before I moved away from the area where the abusive church was located. My husband had gone on to our new life elsewhere, and I remained in Maryland to finish packing and to got to settlement on the house. I remained alone for a few weeks, and one morning, the metal "SOLD" sign that the realtor hung on the bottom of the big, wooden sign at the end of our drive was bent in half, dangling from one of the two eye hooks where it attached to the parent sign. I heard that word of our move and the fact that I was alone in the house was known to some in the church we'd left about ten months earlier, and I didn't know what to think. I did know that people drove by from the church on their way to our neighbor's house, because they attended there, too. Passive aggressive behavior was paramount in the church, so I felt that it was someone from the church. And this was more than just a snide comment from someone at the grocery store or a comment in an awkward phone call. This was a physical act. I felt threatened by that.
I felt a holy boldness, and I phoned the police. I filed a report and told the officer who came to my home that I wanted the issue documented in the event that anything else happened to me before I left the residence. The church had interfered with a friend's divorce and custody hearings, and a few local police officers attended the church, so I wanted to pre-empt anything else that they might try to do to intimidate me. My neighbor called the next day to ask if I was alright, as she'd seen the police car in the drive. I told her why I'd called, and she admitted to me that she knew that someone from the church had damaged the sign. I was able to call the realty company, and with the police report number, they were able to compel the responsible party for the damage to their property. I was glad that someone would see some justice, even though few who suffered from their arrogance ever did.
After re-reading this original post, I felt it important to include this experience, too, as it represents how difficult it can be for people who leave very controlling and aggressive religious groups as part of post cult trauma syndrome. I'd been threatened with death and harm as "God's act of judgement" against me for leaving, and understanding the anger of some in the group, I wasn't sure if someone wasn't willing to follow through on God's behalf. I can tell you that I felt very good for standing up for myself and my own safety that day, as if I claimed a part of my soul back from the group. (Though my knees were knocking.) About three months after this event, I sent the letter to the pastor and elders.
That said, do what you must to find your strength again. Take your power back from those who manipulated you to hand yourself over to them in unqualified trust as if they were God Himself. It's a wonderful feeling and righteous self-care.
...the subject of the next post on
forgiveness.
Addendum 24Jan13: After posting this, I've decided to include an incident that happened before I moved away from the area where the abusive church was located. My husband had gone on to our new life elsewhere, and I remained in Maryland to finish packing and to got to settlement on the house. I remained alone for a few weeks, and one morning, the metal "SOLD" sign that the realtor hung on the bottom of the big, wooden sign at the end of our drive was bent in half, dangling from one of the two eye hooks where it attached to the parent sign. I heard that word of our move and the fact that I was alone in the house was known to some in the church we'd left about ten months earlier, and I didn't know what to think. I did know that people drove by from the church on their way to our neighbor's house, because they attended there, too. Passive aggressive behavior was paramount in the church, so I felt that it was someone from the church. And this was more than just a snide comment from someone at the grocery store or a comment in an awkward phone call. This was a physical act. I felt threatened by that.
I felt a holy boldness, and I phoned the police. I filed a report and told the officer who came to my home that I wanted the issue documented in the event that anything else happened to me before I left the residence. The church had interfered with a friend's divorce and custody hearings, and a few local police officers attended the church, so I wanted to pre-empt anything else that they might try to do to intimidate me. My neighbor called the next day to ask if I was alright, as she'd seen the police car in the drive. I told her why I'd called, and she admitted to me that she knew that someone from the church had damaged the sign. I was able to call the realty company, and with the police report number, they were able to compel the responsible party for the damage to their property. I was glad that someone would see some justice, even though few who suffered from their arrogance ever did.
After re-reading this original post, I felt it important to include this experience, too, as it represents how difficult it can be for people who leave very controlling and aggressive religious groups as part of post cult trauma syndrome. I'd been threatened with death and harm as "God's act of judgement" against me for leaving, and understanding the anger of some in the group, I wasn't sure if someone wasn't willing to follow through on God's behalf. I can tell you that I felt very good for standing up for myself and my own safety that day, as if I claimed a part of my soul back from the group. (Though my knees were knocking.) About three months after this event, I sent the letter to the pastor and elders.
That said, do what you must to find your strength again. Take your power back from those who manipulated you to hand yourself over to them in unqualified trust as if they were God Himself. It's a wonderful feeling and righteous self-care.