The meek lion with the lamb (photo: Trish Steel) |
Assertive
Instead of Passive Aggressive Communication
Passive aggressive behavior or communication describes the indirect
or passive way that people manifest their negative feelings. For a
host of reasons, the passive aggressive person feels uncomfortable
with expressing themselves directly, so they deny these feelings, but
they let them leak out into the relationship in other areas that feel
less threatening. They'll say that everything is fine when asked
about a matter, but concerning another unrelated issue, they'll
express harsh criticism and disapproval. In so doing, they coat over
their aggression with passivity or even sweetness as a way of
avoiding their own discomfort, even thought they express it in other,
indirect ways. Some people might call this “lip service,”
something that I think Jesus defined well when
He said, “You honor me with your lips, but your hearts are
far from me.”
As we've read in Matthew 5 and Matthew 18, Jesus tells us to go to
those with whom we have conflict to address matters with them
directly in an effort to resolve the discord. This describes an
assertive communication style wherein a person directly addresses
specific matters with another honestly and with them personally in a
discrete and respectful way. As stated, most people find this to be
a stressful exercise, and they may avoid the stress by failing to
follow through. Many people have no practice in voicing their
concerns or feelings of offense.
I like to think of assertive communication as a way of expressing and
defending feelings, wants and needs to another person. If you cannot
figure out what to say, consider explaining directly to the party
involved how you feel, what you want, and what you need at a bare
minimum. It's a good framework to help you begin to express
yourself:
I feel ________.
I want ________.
I need ________.
Working Agreements for Trust
Once we become familiar with direct,
assertive communication, we might also consider some general rules
that we assume about how to properly express our feelings, wants, and
needs to others. These, of course, are behaviors that manifest the
characteristics of those who are trustworthy, noted in the previous
post. (Those characteristics are competence, reliability, integrity,
and benevolence.) Borrowing from Larsen
and Buckmaster, they identify four behaviors that can considered
ground rules for the way that we interact with one another which
foster the growth of trust in one another – rules that exemplify
assertive communication and behavior.
- We agree to assume positive intent and give generous interpretations to actions or words that we don't understand, then we seek clarity from one another.
- We keep our agreements.
- We cast no “silent vetos.” We speak up if we disagree.
- We seek and offer feedback on the impact of our actions, inactions, and interactions.
How to Offer Feedback
We must also consider the manner in
which we give others information concerning their behavior and
attitudes. Again, this is something that many people take for
granted, assuming that most people know how to offer feedback to
others, even though it can destroy trust when offered improperly.
But few of us have been taught any kind of rules, save for the
general references to meekness and patience.
Narrowing the process down a bit more,
we should
offer feedback that is
- Prompt
- Factual
- Specific
- Supportive
- Considerate
As recently mentioned in a previous
post, David Augsburger points out prerequisites for confrontation
which also advocate these same kinds of considerations for offering
feedback. All of these factors can help foster forgiveness as we
work to become trustworthy people, building trust in our
relationships. Take note that in addition to the general “basis of
trust” which ideally precedes advising others, Augsburger also
points out the attitudes which manifest the character of the
trustworthy. Empathy and caring flow from benevolence. Affirmation
and support flow from integrity. Here again, they bear repeating.
From Augsburger's book Caring
Enough to Confront, Pg 52:
- A context of caring must come before confrontation.
- A sense of support must be present before criticism.
- An experience of empathy must precede evaluation.
- A basis of trust must be laid before one risks advising.
- A floor of affirmation must undergird any assertiveness.
- A gift of understanding opens the way to resolving disagreement.
- An awareness of love
sets us free to level with each other.
Following
considerations for building trust,
upcoming
posts will explore how to *re*build trust after an offense
not
merely just create the milieu which helps trust to grow.