This poem is often discussed in Twelve
Step groups and in addiction and recovery treatment centers, because
people in recovery usually end up there because they get involved
with hopeless relationships with other people who do not really want
to grow. Dysfunctional relationships keep us trapped in cycles of
futility, and they operate on the fuel of shame and blame. Addicted
people use substances (or behaviors) to help them to escape the
hopelessness and the helplessness they feel when they're stuck in bad
relationships. They believe that they can't get out of the painful
relationship, so they seek to feel better by numbing the pain with
either a substance or a behavior that creates a neurochemical in the
brain that is actually stronger than many addictive drugs.
And in some sense, we are all
recovering. We all experience some degree of shame, even if it is
just shame over sin or our sense of inadequacy from falling short of
the perfection we so desire. Some of us have more shame than others,
but in some sense, we are all in recovery from shame.
As we've noted in the Path
of Denial and the Path
of Bitterness, much of forgiving deals with the appropriate
sharing of responsibility in relationships, something we must learn
as we grow. Portia Nelson offers this lovely insight into one of the
more obvious pitfalls of hopelessness and how we can learn to avoid it. I think it's an essential consideration when considering those
difficult examples of forgiveness when we are left with situations
that are less than ideal – situations that aren't specifically and
clearly addressed in Scripture.
Keep in mind. Upcoming posts will refer to its wisdom when discussing how to avoid getting trapped in denial and bargaining and bitterness in the process of forgiveness.
Keep in mind. Upcoming posts will refer to its wisdom when discussing how to avoid getting trapped in denial and bargaining and bitterness in the process of forgiveness.
Autobiography
in Five Chapters
A
Poem by Portia Nelson
- I walk down the street.
....There is a deep hole in the sidewalk
.... I fall in.
.... I am lost — I am hopeless.
.... It isn't my fault.
.... It takes forever to find a way out.
- I walk down the same street.
....There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
.... I pretend I don't see it.
.... I fall in again.
.... I can't believe I'm in the same place.
.... But it isn't my fault.
.... It still takes a long time to get out.
- I walk down the same street.
....There is a deep hole in the sidewalk
.... I see it is there.
.... I still fall in — it's a habit
.... My eyes are open
.... I know where I am
.... It is MY fault.
.... I get out immediately.
- I walk down the same street.
....There is a deep hole in the sidewalk
.... I walk around it.
- I walk down a DIFFERENT street.
When we face situations that expose us
to chronic abuse or require us to accept the behavior of those who
treat us with disregard, it is tantamount to falling into that hole
in the sidewalk, over and over again. At some point, wisdom should
prompt us to avoid falling into situations that tempt us to be
offended, something that actually fosters offense instead of
tolerating it. It also depends on the maturity of the person and the
nature of the offense.
Sometimes it is necessary to avoid the whole situation, especially if it happens again and again without change. Sometimes, we “give the devil opportunity” when we keep doing the same ineffective things, over and over (Ephesians 4:25-27).
There's
more to come about how
release
someone to God when ideal forgiveness
is
impossible or unlikely.