What constitutes repentance? The
Gospels tell us that we must always forgive when those who have
sinned against us (or disappointed us) repent of wrongdoing. The Bible sets a precedent that repentance precedes forgiveness. But
what do we understand about the concept? As reviewed previously,
Christians are called to confront others when wronged and must
forgive when those who committed the wrong repent. For the
Christian, forgiveness is non-optional. Review more about
forgiveness HERE.He said to His disciples, “It is inevitable that stumbling blocks come, but woe to him through whom they come! It would be better for him if a millstone were hung around his neck and he were thrown into the sea, than that he would cause one of these little ones to stumble. Be on your guard!
If your brother sins, rebuke him; and if he repents, forgive him. And if he sins against you seven times a day, and returns to you seven times, saying, ‘I repent,’ forgive him.”
Complicated Repentance
As any parent knows and any person in
an abusive relationship can tell you, repentance can mean many
different things. Abusers will often feign repentance to escape the
consequences of their actions, but they use the act as license to
pick right back up where the left off, continuing to offend others as
though their lip service allows them to do whatever they want with
impunity. When the offended voice another complaint about their
behavior, BOOM! The person who claimed to repent tries to
dump the responsibility for the matter on to the offended, claiming
that they are unforgiving. They use virtue as a means that allows
them to sin and keep on sinning. I love Ayn
Rand's quote about how such injustice causes a person to not only
suffer the initial loss but to also continually bear a second kind of
loss when justice is denied them. People who claim that this is
godly to endure such injustice in the name of keeping peace cause the
Kingdom of God to suffer violence.
When one acts on pity against justice, it is the good whom one punishes for the sake of the evil; when one saves the guilty from suffering, it is the innocent whom one forces to suffer. There is no escape from justice, nothing can be unearned and unpaid for in the universe, neither in matter nor in spirit—and if the guilty do not pay, then the innocent have to pay it.Ayn Rand, Atlas Shrugged
As we noted in the
previous post, spiritual abusers or manipulators can use
misunderstandings and preoccupation with image consciousness and the
illusion of outward appearance to shame people by
dissuading people from acknowledging offense in the first place. It
creates an illusion of peace when none really exists. High demand
religions also use feigned repentance to do much of the same thing,
discouraging healthy conflict by shaming people into accepting poor
treatment from one another. It keeps the wounded and the offended
and the victims captive in the bondage of the Path
of Denial, and forgiveness never takes place. In the name of
following the Law of Love, those who manipulate others in such a way
actually thwart love and prevent it from working healing and true
reconciliation. As all spiritually abusive groups do, they trade in
real unity for uniformity. Some gain some temporary benefits, and
others suffer to provide that benefit. The same thing holds true
with feigned repentance.
Defining Repentance
The Oxford
English Dictionary describes repentance as the feeling or
expression of sincere regret about wrongdoing; a feeling of
penitence. But this is a general description. What do the specifics
look like and how does one arrive at repentance?
The word “repent” in
derives from the Greek metanoia which is a compound
word that translates literally into “a change of
mind.” Noia means “to think with your
mind.” Meta means “after” with the
implication of change such as it appears in the English word
“metamorphosis.” The term can also be defined as “to think
differently afterward.”. Actually, Romans
12:2 uses meta in the compound word metamorphoo for
our English word of “transformed,” directing us to “Be
not conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of
your mind, that ye may prove what (is) that good, and acceptable, and
perfect will of God.” Withn the Greek word itself, we can note the emphasis on the choice that
a person makes when they express repentance in the process of
forgiveness. And presumably, someone who has changed their mind will
also follow through by changing their behavior.
The
Old Testament uses two verbs of shuv
(to return) and nicham
(to feel sorrow) which further
deepens the meaning to include a sense of contrition. In the New
Testament, we see this contrition depicted
in the parable of the Prodigal Son.
Repentance also includes the confession of wrongdoing to those who
were harmed, just as the Jews went to the tabernacle to declare their
repentance as they offered their sacrifice. Repentance involved the
community in this sense, just as Saul depicts in 1
Samuel 15 when he humbly repents and
asks Samuel to worship with him.
Under the old
system of Judaism, they also practiced the concept of restitution and
recompense through bonded service for loss that occurred, paying
back double what was taken. Recompense even involved how
one approached God to seek
atonement. Recall again that forgiveness is a term that refers the
cancellation of monetary debt, so it is curious to note that the Old
Testament quantitated restitution,
even calling for one fifth of the amount stolen to be added to the
atonement offering that was given to the priest. Rather than some
nebulous theory, restitution required something tangible
and specific to be paid back to
those who were harmed. In the same fashion in the New Testament,
Zacchaeus spontaneously pledged without the need of prompting that he
would restore
fourfold what he had wrongfully taken from others in taxes when
he repents to Jesus and places his faith in Him.
I was once taught
that repentance involves four steps which corresponds well to these
Jewish teachings and traditions: Conviction,
Contrition,
Confession,
and Conversion.
True repentance without all of these efforts (which include
restitution as part of the conversion process) is considered
incomplete. In the name of love, we should never forgo doing what is
right by repairing the wrongs we have done when it is possible.
Patience, Love
And Learning
As noted,
insincere repentance and words of lip service do a grave injustice to
the offended. This can be a difficult matter, and I find it
fascinating that Jesus points out such a large number of times that a
person must forgive.
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I think that He
does this to help us weed out those who do knowingly feign
forgiveness when they feel absolutely no contrition for what they've
done to others from those who are weak, immature, and
unskilled. Forgiveness requires long suffering (patience) and
teaches it to us in the process, one of the benefits that the Path of
Healing brings to us when we follow it sincerely. Lets face it: we
are stubborn creatures of habit, and we make mistakes and fail
repeatedly as we master new skills. Consider that in learning a new
manual skill that we might cause inconvenience to others until we
learn to get that skill right. Some we never really master. We may
have learned to stop spilling milk at the table when we were
children, but we're very likely to spill something many times again,
later on in our lives. Especially when we're learning and when we
fail as a consequence of being human, that “seventy times seven”
becomes very important to us. Repenting of failure helps re-orient
us on our pursuit to mastery while showing others consideration.
How much more
important is this patience to us when we learn new
ways to treat one another, perhaps where this principle of repentance
and forgiveness demonstrates the most value? When we change
and grow, we have to let others around us know when they've hurt us,
merely because we've decided to change the patterns of how we relate
to one another. If you're dancing with a partner and you step on
their toe, it's likely that both parties can observe the error
without it being voiced. In relationships, the
repentance/forgiveness process becomes vital, because we usually
don't know much about how our behavior affects others without that
feedback. Here again is another way that offense, repentance, and
forgiveness can be framed as a very positive process of growth and
healing. We often need seventy times seven chances to work in us, and it works in both the one who repents and the one who forgives.
We must also consider that on our long journey of forgiveness and as we traverse the ongoing process of grief, matters that have wounded us deeply take time to heal. The principle of long patience helps us again and again, as we reaffirm our commitment to forgive. Though we need to draw on this compassion when people continue to repeat the same offenses, likewise, we often need to keep forgiving many times over for large offenses that have affected us so profoundly. I spoke to a dear friend this week who divorced two years ago because of her husband's betrayal. Though she has forgiven her husband and has released him unto God, there are still daily reminders of her loss. Mail arrives in the mailbox, for example, and it seems that she can't get beyond the memories which bring up pain for her, even though her husband has been gone for a long time. During these times, we need the comfort of knowing that Jesus fully appreciated how hard forgiveness can be and the sheer determination we need at times when we're doing the hard work of this kind of healing. We can lean on the knowledge that Jesus knows intimately how difficult the process can be, leaning hard into the God of all comfort to find the perseverance we need.
I must also add that we must consider, when we're ready and are not overcome with the anger of grief, that repentance may likely be a process for those who have offended us. This is another reason why we must be patient in the Spirit of Love. Sometimes, consequences must soften our hearts, and it can take time for us to really develop the full contrition that we need to make the changes in our behavior that back up repentance. I think of Ebeneezer Scrooge on Christmas Eve. It took a full night of work from those ghosts who mirrored Scrooge's image back to him, and it took time for the blinders to fall from his eyes. It took time to open his heart. When we are offended, consider that in the beginning of repentance, the fullness of it may not yet have come. Though the person who offended us may give mental assent to forgiveness, it may not yet have transformed their heart for us. Here also, we need seventy times seven determination to forgive and forgive again as God fills us up with His patience and love when our own human qualities fail.
We must also consider that on our long journey of forgiveness and as we traverse the ongoing process of grief, matters that have wounded us deeply take time to heal. The principle of long patience helps us again and again, as we reaffirm our commitment to forgive. Though we need to draw on this compassion when people continue to repeat the same offenses, likewise, we often need to keep forgiving many times over for large offenses that have affected us so profoundly. I spoke to a dear friend this week who divorced two years ago because of her husband's betrayal. Though she has forgiven her husband and has released him unto God, there are still daily reminders of her loss. Mail arrives in the mailbox, for example, and it seems that she can't get beyond the memories which bring up pain for her, even though her husband has been gone for a long time. During these times, we need the comfort of knowing that Jesus fully appreciated how hard forgiveness can be and the sheer determination we need at times when we're doing the hard work of this kind of healing. We can lean on the knowledge that Jesus knows intimately how difficult the process can be, leaning hard into the God of all comfort to find the perseverance we need.
I must also add that we must consider, when we're ready and are not overcome with the anger of grief, that repentance may likely be a process for those who have offended us. This is another reason why we must be patient in the Spirit of Love. Sometimes, consequences must soften our hearts, and it can take time for us to really develop the full contrition that we need to make the changes in our behavior that back up repentance. I think of Ebeneezer Scrooge on Christmas Eve. It took a full night of work from those ghosts who mirrored Scrooge's image back to him, and it took time for the blinders to fall from his eyes. It took time to open his heart. When we are offended, consider that in the beginning of repentance, the fullness of it may not yet have come. Though the person who offended us may give mental assent to forgiveness, it may not yet have transformed their heart for us. Here also, we need seventy times seven determination to forgive and forgive again as God fills us up with His patience and love when our own human qualities fail.
By graciously forgiving others in this process of discipline, we provide them with a
mirror in which they can see themselves, and it helps all involved to
grow. When we work through past hurts and commit to restoring
relationships together, this willingness to forgive gives us discipline and
structure. Though it may seem like work to us
because of our emotional pain, that place of difficult work fosters our mutual healing, love,
and restoration. Remember that this is a place of cooperation and humility, and it takes the participation and commitment of all involved. In its fullness, repentance always includes that element of community.
Now we have a picture of the ideal. But what of the less than ideal?
Now we have a picture of the ideal. But what of the less than ideal?
Much more
to come on
distinguishing
true and trustworthy repentance
from
its empty counterfeit
