Part IV: From the writings of Pia Mellody on Love Avoidance and Love Addiction (The dynamics of non-sexual incest)
Roles Assigned to Child With Enmeshing Abuse
Note: A child can fill both positive and negative roles.
- Hero or heroine
- Surrogate parners
- Surrogate parent
- Daddy's Little Girl (a ROLE, not a name said in passing)
- Daddy's Little Man
- Mommy's Little Girl
- Mommy's Little Man
In a relationship, this person will be “very good at being good.” Because he/she is so adaptable as a child, when they become an adult, they will seek intensity in order to feel alive and do it in a “positive” but COVERT manner.
They derive both shame and a false sense of empowerment from these roles which imparts a sense of value. They objectify those whom they care for by devaluing their partner while also elevating self.
In a relationship, this person will be “very good at being bad.” This adult will seek intensity in order to feel alive in a “negative” OVERT manner.
Roles Assigned To Child With Abandoning/Neglecting Abuse
In a relationship, this person will act in a dependent, needy manner and try to create intensity inside the relationship itself as he/she perceives that it is the relationship that keeps him/her alive.
Deeper level of the lost child.
Xenophobia for BOTH SUBTYPES:
- Fear in general.
- Fear of strangers.
- It is a biological imperative and sometimes is necessary for survival, and we then tend to be relational with what is familiar.
- For the person who has been neglected or abandoned, he/she will try to be relational with people who create distance in relationships through the use of walls. (They will naturally be attracted, ironically, to those who are emotionally unavailable to them.)
- For the person who has been enmeshed, he/she will feel compelled to be relational with people who are needy and who believe that they are worthless.