Good Books and Resources that Explore Forgiveness

This list is by no means exhaustive but includes some of the best titles that I've encountered on the subject of forgiveness. Most of the books listed here address matters from a Christian perspective with primary authors on the subject listed first (but not in any particular order). Take note of the book lists that already appear here at UnderMuchGrace.com, listed near the bottom of the page, as well as titles concerning manipulative relationships. Enjoy!

Tweet

Journaling for Personal and Spiritual Growth

 A good counselor will tell you to keep a daily journal. There are many articles online that talk about the new data which shows the mental and physical health benefits of the practice, in addition to the sage old advice about the benefits of the discipline. Google puts them right at our fingertips, so I won't spend much time here on that subject.

Tweet

Finding Healing Through the Twelve Steps: Recovery from the Emotional Wounds of Childhood (and from Spiritual Abuse)

Once you've realized that you've got emotional wounds left over from your childhood and where they came from, where do you go? I go to the Cross. In terms of the specific problems that arise from the particular emotional wounds that govern the way my flesh tends to act, I show myself responsible to God and others using the framework of the Twelve Steps – the only viable hope of healing that I have to offer anyone.

My Journey of Acceptance

As part of my training as a nurse, and through classes that focused on the primary health problems of adults, I spent time observing care in the clinical settings of drug and alcohol rehab facilities. At the tender age of 19 and 20, this experience taught me a some vital and very moving lessons about my own nature and myself. One day, I was in South Philadelphia observing a group therapy session with addicted teens, and as I listened to their stories, I had a very dramatic epiphany. At the end of the session, I asked the therapist if I could address the group, and he graciously complied. I explained to those teens at an inpatient detox ward that the only real difference that I could see between us was that rather than turn to drugs or alcohol to deal with my own pain, I turned to other things. I turned, primarily, to performance (through work and school) and to religion.

Tweet

Journey Out of Shame: A List of Resources

Original post 19Jun08;  Update Jan2012

Almost four years has elapsed since I first developed this list of helpful books and information for coping with shame -- specifically the type of toxic shame in adulthood that results from deficits in emotional development.  If you found the discussion of the characteristics of a child and how immature parenting affects adults, you will benefit greatly from these resources.  Explore the whole series about the childhood roots of victimization HERE.

I've broken down the titles into Christian resources and secular ones.

CHRISTIAN RESOURCES

Concerning Emotional Developmental Deficits and Recovery

From Shame to Glory  by Kathryn Chamberlin, LCSW-C

Buy the Book on Amazon

Audio and Video Presentations

Kathryn attends the Fourth Presbyterian Church in Bethesda, Maryland, a church that is a member of the Evangelical Presbyterian Church denomination, following the Westminster Confession of Faith and the Heidelberg Catechism.

As you are free to note on her webpage, she holds a nursing degree from University of Virginia, a Master's Degree in Social Work from The Catholic University and certification in Biblical Counseling. She practices Christian counseling with the Bethesda Counseling Group, offering services to those in the Baltimore-DC Metro area.

Kathryn's presentation, “From Shame to Glory” is perhaps the best place to start a journey out of shame and into the liberty that is afforded to all believers in Christ Jesus. She has several other audio resources available, and I would also recommend considering these additional presentations as well:

• Shame versus Worth
• The Approval Addict
• The Performance Trap
• Hurt Trail to Idolatry
• The Door Metaphor

Books for Christians in Recovery  (In descending order of importance)

• Love is a Choice.  Hemfelt, Minirth and Meier's book examines the problem of persistent shame in the Christian's life. Christ saves us from the shame of sin and restores us, but for those of us who have been raised in families that were lacking the support we desperately needed, we tend to get stuck in patterns of shame that can prevent us from fully embracing the fullness of our forgiveness and liberty in Christ. Their ten step program teaches about how we can get caught up in repetitive patterns of shame and how we can be liberated from shame.  ** They also offer a companion workbook (which I have not read).

• Forgiving Our Parents, Forgiving Ourselves.  The book that I believe helped me the most during my own recovery has been David Stoop's book, Forgiving Our Parents, Forgiving Ourselves:  Healing Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families.  The aforementioned book (from the same publisher) presents an overview and an introduction to the topic of the less than ideal emotional development of a child, but Stoop's book takes healing to the next level and explains more specific information about how to heal.   I found myself in its pages in a deeper way, amazed at how accurately it described the patterns that I'd lived.

• Boundaries.  As mentioned in recent posat and featured in this blog post concerning a child's characteristic of vulnerability, Townsend and Cloud's book explores the issues concerning boundaries from a Christian perspective.  In addition to their landmark book, you can also find a host of resources and video clips on important topics at Cloud-Townsend Resources online.  The authors also adapted their message about boundaries and authored subsequent books which focused on particular types of relationships, and they are worth considering as well, though I am partial to the first book because it reviews boundaries quite extensively.

• The Lies We Believe and the companion workbook which adds significantly to the material in the book.  The author, Dr. Chris Thurman, explores the false ideas that we hold about the world -- ideas which only serve to set us up for heartache.  I think of this book as a more structured way of looking at spiritual warfare and bringing every thought captive to the truth, but it is focused on the issues of shame and negative emotion.  Through this book, I learned that what healing professions call "Cognitive Behavioral Therapy" or working through negative emotion by exploring unrealistic expectations and false ideas about life was essentially the same thing that the Bible teaches by renewing the mind and bringing thoughts captive to Christ by using the Bible as a standard.  David Stoop also has a similar book dealing with the topic called You Are What You Think, presenting the same approach to right and healthy thinking -- renewing the mind with healthy thoughts and ideas.

• Lewis Smedes' many books on the topic of forgiveness.  I cannot recommend the writings of Smedes more highly enough on one's journey to better understand forgiveness in a healthy way and from a very Christian perspective.  He has a host of titles, and I've found them all equally helpful, even though all of the aforementioned authors and books listed here touch on the subject.

• This is Your Brain on Joy.  If you've followed this series and found a great deal of benefit through the focus on brain as an organ of the body that deserves special care and consideration, I highly recommend reading Earl Henslin's Christian book which presents not only a plan to help balance mood and restore brain health, but also focuses on spiritual growth.  His balanced, Christian approach makes the topic very understandable and practical, taking into consideration the concerns that many Christians have, promoting good stewardship of both mind and body.

• Quivering Daughters (for women).  Though Hillary McFarland's book focuses on the plight of young women who grew up in the radical end of the homeschooling movement, I believe that any young woman who grew up under shame-based and enmeshed parenting as an Evangelical Christian will benefit tremendously from this book.  I am an example of those who can identify with the patterns of enmeshment, though my parents were neither radical conservatives nor was I homeschooled.  The patterns of enmeshment do convey, and I believe that any woman from a background of religious condemnation and shame can glean a great deal from the book.

• Make Anger Your Ally.  Neil Clark Warren's book (published by Focus on the Family) explains anger from a Christian perspective, focusing on the benefits of anger as a protective mechanism and how to deal with the triggers of anger in a healthy way that we might all observe the Apostle Paul's admonishment to "be angry and sin not."  There is also a title on anger in the Minirth Meier/New Life series of books, though I have not read it.  Some might find this helpful, as understanding anger presents a significant challenge for many who were raised in evangelicalism that perceived wrongly that anger itself is sinful.

• The Enmeshed for Jesus blog!  Read many excerpts from these titles on this site's sister blog, which deals directly with the topic of shame-based parenting and enmeshment as it relates to the patriarchy movement.

• Other Christian titles on the subject of emotional developmental deficits. Hurt People Hurt People (Wilson); Families Where Grace is in Place (VanVonderan);  Hiding from Love (Townsend);  The Healing Path and and companion workbook (Allender).

Online Recovery Resources (some of which are free!):

• Check the National National Association for Christian Recovery website site for searchable archives, their blog, and list of constantly growing resources
• NACR online video workshops
• Free library of articles from back issues of STEPS magazine
• NACR audio workshops (for a nominal fee)
• Meier Clinics' list of online articles discussing a variety of topics
• The (aforementioned) Cloud Townsend Resources site with topical videos

Devotionals:

• Rooted in God's Love (NACR, available as a book and as a free daily email)
• Meditations for Christians who Try To Be Perfect  (hosted on NACR by Joan Webb (available as a book)
• Northstar Devotional Blog (online resource)
• 12 Step Life Recovery Devotional (Arteburn and Stoop)

Online Forums:

• Christian Recovery International Forums  (Both NACR forum and a spiritual abuse forum)

SECULAR 
RESOURCES

 Depending on how the first two resources minister to you, and depending on the nature of the areas that God begins to heal in your life, I would recommend choosing between a Christian and a secular resource.

Overview,  Introduction, and Healing

If you find yourself very compelled by this series and are at ease exploring secular writings, I would consider reading some secular material concerning shame and recovery. Though any book on the subject of shame or codependency as it was once popularly called would be appropriate, I find that these titles have been very good. These have all been time honored and standards in the area of overcoming shame.

• Codependent No More, Beyond Codependency and Codependent's Guide to the Twelve Steps (Melody Beattie)
  
• Facing Codependence and the companion workbook Breaking Free (Pia Melody)
• Compelled to Control (Miller)

Enmeshment
 

If while reading this series of posts, you identified with the subject and experience of enmeshment and the information on the Overcoming Botkin Syndrome blog, there are titles that specifically deal with that subject.

• The Emotional Incest Syndrome:  What To Do When A Parent's Love Rules Your Life (Patricia Love)
• Facing Love Addiction:  Giving Yourself the Power to Change the Way You Love (Melody)
• Toxic Parents (Forward)
• Silently Seduced. . .Understanding Covert Incest (Adams)
• When He's Married to Mom:  How to Help Mother-Enmeshed Men... (Adams)

Etc.

There are also a host of titles that concern intimacy and specifically delve into issues of parenting.  I cannot begin to list them all, and my personal journey is unique, but I found these secular titles particularly helpful to me in my own journey of recovery.  **Highly recommended**

• **Trapped in the Mirror:  Adult Children of Narcissists and their Struggle for Self (Golomb)
• **Who's Pulling Your Strings (Braiker)
• The Drama of the Gifted Child:  The Search for the True Self (Miller)
• The Gifted Adult (Jacobsen)

Tweet

God Discussion on the topic of Spiritual Abuse on BlogTalk Radio

From GodDiscussion.com about the 05Aug10 Show:

Did a negative religious experience leave you feeling shattered, vulnerable, or ashamed?  You're not alone.

Spiritual abuse pervades many peoples' lives, whether through authoritarian, patriarchal religions, dominionist Christian sects, or even in New Age movements.  We'd love to  hear your story … and hopefully, give you some support and empathy during this week's God Discussion show.

Please join in at the God Discussion Show tonight, Thursday, August 5, 2010, at 7:00 PM Pacific time. (10:00 PM for East Coast night owls!)  The show lasts for 2 hours but has been reserved 3 hours just in extra time will be needed.  If sleep overtakes you, pop in later to listen to the archive of the on demand episodes in the archive, and also revisit the interview, "A Look Inside the Quiverfull Movement" (original air date 08Jul10), with No Longer Quivering's Vyckie Garrison !

Tweet

From the "Return of the Daughters" to the Liberation of the Daughters of the King: Resources to Combat Botkin Syndrome

The teachings of the Botkin family, including Geoff Botkin and his daughters Elizabeth and Anna Sophia promote many unhealthy patterns of enmeshment and family dysfunction according to the professional addictions and recovery literature. Many who have reviewed their teachings believe that their ideology hinges critically on their misinterpretation and eisegesis concerning Chapter 30 of the Old Testament Book of Numbers. For additional information refuting many of these teachings from the Old Testament using Orthodox Judaism as a contrast, please review this collection of posts from Maurice Lamm's “The Jewish Way in Love and Marriage,” and check with the True Womanhood website for discussions on these matters. 

True Womanhood soon plans to post a new topical index of the discussions on many long threads including the “Visionary Daughters” (the Botkin Sisters) and the 7^th thread discussing the patriocentric oddity known as the “Prairie Muffin Manifesto” for an easier reference to the discussions of their teachings.

As I've discussed before on Under Much Grace Blog, these teachings concerning fathers and daughters not only insert a human intercessor into a woman's relationship with God, but they also correspond to what is hopefully non-sexual but gender related “incest” or the inappropriate using of daughters by the father to meet their own emotional, psychological, spiritual or physical needs. There is however, a widespread usury of children and family inherent in the teachings of the patriocentrics in general, so I have listed resources that address the general problem of family dysfunction here as well.

I also stress the importance of the list of resources in the preceding blog post entitled “The Journey Out of Shame.” Kathryn Chamberlin's “From Shame to Glory” and/or the Christian, Minirth-Meier publication, “Love is a Choice” remain essential resources for anyone seeking to heal from or understand the roots of these inappropriate relationships within families.

Covert or Emotional Incest:

(Non-sexual but gender related inappropriate usury of family members to meet unmet needs or to medicate shame)

• Silently Seduced, When Parents Make Children Partners (Adams)
• Emotional Incest Syndrome (Love)
• Facing Love Addiction (Mellody)
• Trapped in the Mirror (Golomb) [I found this book to be very helpful to me, BTW.]
• (Also note links to online information in this blog post)

Sexual Abuse

• The Wounded Heart (Allender) [Note: This is a Christian book!]

Family Dysfunction and Healthy Parenting

• Children of Trauma, Rediscovering Your Discarded Self (Middelton – Moz)
• Adult Children, The Secrets of Dysfunctional Families (Friel & Friel)
• Compelled to Control (Miller) [I also listed this as a shame resource in the previous blog post.]
• Toxic Parents (Forward)
• Emotional Blackmail (Forward)

Always Daddy's Girl (Wright)

Tweet