Control and Misinformation that Toxic People Exert

My friend from across the pond put this on social media yesterday.  Too good to miss.



It reminds me of that quote that is attributed to Winston Churchill:

The truth is incontrovertible. Malice may attack it, ignorance may deride it, but in the end, there it is.

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The Misogynist Man from Mars on Patheos

I'm grateful for my relationship with No Longer Quivering (NLQ), a website founded by Vyckie Garrison and now overseen by Suzanne Titkemeyer and their support of Hillary McFarland's book, Quivering Daughters. A few years ago, NLQ joined the bloggers at Patheos, an interfaith website that features material that considers all sorts of belief systems including the non-religious. (I'm especially grateful for Richard Wade's thoughtful and respectful approach to his beliefs on his Patheos blog, the Friendly Atheist. He isn't what I consider a zealot who wants to make sport of others who disagree with him, and I find that refreshing.)

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Sometimes Mentioning Hitler Speaks to the Probelm of Dead Orthodoxy, not Godwin's Law

Though mindful that “the metaphor is not the map,” the importance of noting the characteristics of destructive people as a function of recovery from spiritual abuse shouldn't be dismissed.

Reducteo ad Hitlerum?

Over the weekend, I stumbled over a clever and amusing photo meme comparing a leader of a high demand group to Adolf Hitler. I've obscured part of the photo here, but I think that it conveys a truth about the nature of the strikingly similar and eerie common characteristics shared by predators who run totalist groups. 

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Why Psychopaths, Sociopaths, and other Predators in the Clergy?

Former FBI Agent Joe Navarro examines why predators find clergy positions desirable in an April 2014 article in Psychology Today. (Thanks to Nancy Bicknell, artist and survivor, for drawing my attention to it.) He cites an article that claims that a career in clergy is the eighth most popular profession chosen by predators, following on the heels of that of law enforcement and with CEO topping out the list.

Defining Terms

Citing Robert Hare's definition of a psychopath from his landmark book on the subject, the author points out some distinctions that he finds important regarding some of the terminology that may limit the definition of who might be a predator. He finds that the term “psychopath” (someone with a chronic mental health disorder) is overused and seems to loose meaning among a host of other types of predators.

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Follow the Leader: Con Artists and Cultic Leaders Have No “Off Switch”

When people learn about a high demand group and want to understand how it can dominate members, they usually look at their beliefs (their system of ideology), particularly if Christians seek to understand an aberrant Christian group. Most of the content on this website focuses on the additional factors of manipulation and control that govern the psychosocial and social psychology of a high demand religious group. I like to use the concept of “Bounded Choice” to understand the process of how such a group comes together and stays together in the first place. But this is not the only factor.

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Understanding Con Artists, Manipulators, and Cult Leaders: An Index of Posts About Manipulation

When I started this blog, I never anticipated that I would one day surpass 700 individual posts. It seemed time to consolidate those posts to make the material more easy to navigate, especially the information about the characteristics of manipulators.

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Considering the Biblical Model of Examining Behavior to Identify a Spiritual Abuser

Dr. Paul Martin

Dr. Paul Martin presented a workshop at the Evangelical Ministries to New Religions Conference on March 7, 2008 discussing why Christians should understand the dynamics of spiritual abuse.  (Dr. Martin was a former member of the cultic Great Commission, and after leaving, became one of the most respected psychologists in the study of cults but also in the area of Christian counter cult apologetics.  He also founded the first accredited inpatient treatment center for people who have exited cults and abusive relationships, the Wellspring Retreat and Resource Center in Albany, OH.)  Along with impressive research concerning abusive religious groups that he presented at his workshop, Why Evangelicals Should Believe in Thought Reform (“Brainwashing”)," Dr. Martin also included some interesting information about what the Bible has to say about false teachers and wolves in sheep's clothing.

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Fleecing as an Example of Repeating Trauma (and the limitations of "knowing" people via the internet)

 

A recent article in the Economist provoked an interesting discussion in my home the other day. As the subject of the compulsion to repeat and reenact trauma has been a matter of discussion, my husband thought this recent article, in some ways, presented a real life example of the phenomenon. In what has been termed affinity fraud, it seems that Christians are easy targets for fleecing. People in churches are taught to give and they're manipulated to give through a host of pressures.

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Hank Hanegraaff and the “Nicest People You Could Ever Hope to Meet” (Understanding Unbalanced and Cultic Christianity and Those Attracted to It)

Ron Luce

One of the most common misconceptions that people hold about cultic groups or aberrant Christianity surrounds the motives and character of those who get involved with them. The negative connotation of term of “cult,” especially concerning Bible-based groups, tends to suggest that such groups and their leadership are unpleasant people. Nothing could be further from the truth. Quite often, people get involved with groups and ministries because the leaders are often very charming and idealistic. They are impassioned individuals that seek to make a great difference in the world for the better and for God's purposes. They are usually inspiring and highly charismatic. Good, considerate, and thoughtful people who wish to make a difference in the world are attracted to these leaders, and they become the workers and followers of the organizations founded by such leaders.

I found myself thinking about this aspect of Hank Hanegraaff's comment about the Teen Mania documentary on MSNBC. He concludes his statement with the following disclaimer:

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George Simon on the Characteristics of Wolves in Sheep's Clothing

  

Excerpts from

In Sheep's Clothing:

Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People

By George K. Simon, Jr, PhD

Disordered Character Personalities

Character-disordered personalities lack self-restraint when it comes to acting upon their primal urges. They’re not bothered enough by what they do and have too little conscience, unlike neurotics who also have difficulty with self restraint. (Pg 18)

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A VLOG on Spiritual Abuse and "Narcissistic PASTOR Disorder"

From a series of videos (vlog?) on You Tube by another bleating sheep discussing her experiences using the characteristics of Narcissism as a framework and format. As my husband once said about a letter I wrote to an abusive pastor who didn't have the time of day, it's a view from the back of the church where they put those whom they tell "be ye warmed and filled..."










She says to stay tuned for the next installment, but I could not find that follows this last video.

The preceding post contains her full list of characteristics on video, to the music of the Foo Fighters "Best of You."

Link to Mrs. Elfrog's Vlog on YouTube to read the interesting commentary. If you connect to each video on YouTube, Mrs. Elfrog lists all sorts of resources and links to additional information.

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A Video Primer on Spiritual Abuse

I've posted much of the same information already (see tag list), but this is a great review and summary via video, complied by a Vlogger who calls herself Mrs. Elfrog.

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What Goes on In the Soul of Those Who Abuse For the Cause of the Greater Good?

What Goes On in the Soul

of the Spiritual Abuser?

This question, more than any, other troubled me very much as I healed and continue to heal from my realization of spiritual abuse.

Delving deep to find these answers perhaps impeded my own healing in some ways, though after many years of pursing true forgiveness, I believe I also needed to search out the answers for my own well-being and acceptance. When one has been deeply wounded, I believe it is natural to ask questions about why someone was motivated or why they neglected to notice how profoundly they wounded us. I found it troubling to realize that there were essentially no simple answers to these questions.

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The Awe Inspiring Height of the Greater Good: Who Becomes a Spiritual Abuser?

To point out the powerful influence of the ideology of the greater good, I ask the reader here who is likely familiar with it to consider the "ethos of family" that has sought to overtake the homeschooling community in recent years. Think about that mix of American nationalism, Christian principle and love of wholesome living and the joy of family that comprises patriocentricity as somewhat analogous to this following statement.

Pay attention to what you feel as you read this passage from Robert Lifton and ask yourself if it sounds like a foreign concept.

I’ve taken out key terms and replaced them with ones that typify homeschooling and the ethos of family.

"Consider the more or less typical homeschooler, interested in patriarchy, who sought from the movement a form of national renewal; who laughed at the more extreme claims of the hard-line complementarians in the gender debate but was drawn to "Biblical manhood" with its emphasis on Christian unity; who considered the Christian faith generally superior, and feared ecumenism; who considered himself a rational rather than a fanatical homeschooler and was critical of the growing number and prominence of women in leadership in Christian churches; who had not marched in the streets with the more zealous homeschoolers but came to offer them obedience and service in exchange for social significance and a sense of Christian unity; who volunteered no great personal sacrifice on behalf of the cause of "Biblical family" but respected those who did; and who sought maximum professional and personal success within this newly dominant national movement. Such a homeschooler, despite a seemingly restrained relationship to ideology, could experience the mystical power of the Christian family ethos. He could also respond in some degree to the call of militant fecundity."

Now, read the original passage that describes the process of the acceptance of a foreign ideology and ethos from page 434 of Lifton’s book:

"Consider the more or less typical Nazi doctor who sought from the movement a form of national renewal; who laughed at the more extreme claims of the Nazi racial party but was drawn to "scientific racism" with its emphasis on German unity; who considered the Nordic race generally superior, and feared racial mixture; who considered himself a rational rather than a fanatical anti-Semite and was critical of the number and prominence of Jewish doctors in German cities; who had not marched in the streets with the Nazis but came to offer them obedience and service in exchange for rank and military uniform; who volunteered no great personal sacrifice on behalf of the Nazi cause but respected those who did; and who sought maximum professional and personal success within this newly dominant national movement. Such a doctor, despite a seemingly restrained relationship to ideology, could experience the mystical power of the German-Nazi ethos. He could also respond in some degree to the call of Auschwitz."

Lifton points out that doctors were especially vulnerable to these influences within the Nazi system because of their professions prepared them to be prideful. Doctors also become somewhat adept at learning to separate their personal emotions from intimidating or disturbing aspects of their work and from intimacy with their patients. They likely had pre-existing idealistic reasons for pursing medicine that could be tapped and manipulated as well. So they provide an interesting subject for study of the psychology of ideology and how it can twist us.

Here, we have men reaching for that which is greater and higher and more than what they are in and of themselves. Each passage sounds a similar call to nationalism and unity. The dynamics of the ideology of man – any ideology whether Biblically-based or fascist – all eventually degrade into some form of ideological totalism, something that Christianity clearly does not advocate.

The end never justifies the means. It is through a drift into legalism and the traditions of men that such good outward signs of a life dedicated to the Lord become corrupt. And because of human nature, all systems become corrupt in similar fashion. The deadly logic of the sacred science eventually overtakes all that is good and the end justifies whatever means necessary to accomplish the idealistic goals when pursued apart from mature, balanced service to God. When the greater good becomes greater in our hearts than anything else and out of balance, we can be so easily pulled off course.

Second quote taken from Robert Lifton's

"The Nazi Doctors: Medical Killing and the Psychology of Genocide"

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Stop Helping the Manipulator via Resistance Tactics

From Harriet Braiker's

Who's Pulling Your Strings

"To Resist or Leave, That is the Question"
(Pgs 172 - 175) 

 If you are caught in a web of interpersonal manipulation, your immediate goal is to stop participating as a compliant victim who yields to pressure and capitulates to insidious, coercive or unfair tactics of control. There are two approaches to this goal:

Resistance and/or Extraction (leaving the relationship altogether) In a turn of the tables, both approaches comprise the countercontrol that you will now exercise over the manipulator....

Resistance 

When you resist manipulative pressure successfully, you recalibrate the power balance in the relationship. You must realize that this shift in the power equation inevitably will alter the relationship and the behavior of both parties involved. Do not be afraid of this change... Since you will initiate the changes and will hold your ground, the manipulator can choose either to adapt to your lead or else remain stuck in a strategy that no longer works, at least as far as the relationship with you is concerned. 

 You must keep your eye on the prize: By remaining clearly “on message” – that the old manipulative methods will no longer effectively work to control you – you can reclaim your freedom, autonomy, self-respect, integrity, and self-esteem. This is absolutely a battle worth fighting and winning... And many manipulative personalities – particularly those that comprise full-blown personality disorders, as discussed previously – simply do not and will not change.... 

For such individuals, manipulation of others is their modus operandi – their immutable way of functioning. When you proclaim your independence from manipulation by effectively resisting coercion and pressure, the manipulator’s response simply may be to change partners and continue dancing. 

If you will not play the game, the manipulator will find a more vulnerable target who will....

Remember, manipulators use manipulation because it works.

Stop helping them...

Extraction 

There are worse consequences than leaving or losing a relationship altogether. Certainly losing yourself in the fog of manipulation – losing sight of who you are and what you value, need and believe – would be a truly dire outcome. Remaining a victim of manipulation, diminishing your self-respect or integrity, and losing your self-esteem are far too high a price to pay for holding onto the elusive or illusory security that such a relationship may represent. Finally – and this is important – if your willingness to be manipulated costs you a relationship, what did you really have in the first place?

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The Manipulative Shift

From Harriet Braiker's

"Who's Pulling Your Strings?"

The Manipulative Shift

(Pgs 124 – 125)


Generally, the promise of a major gain and/or threat of a major loss represents a kind of end point or goal in the relationship.

       On the way to that goal – be it a gain or avoidance of a major loss – the manipulator controls his mark tightly with a smaller, more frequent, and more routine manipulations along the way. It is in the exercise of these frequent manipulations that the mark increasingly loses a sense of control, feels manipulated, is manipulated, and eventually becomes coerced and highly stressed. And if the promised gain never materializes, the mark also will correctly feel deceived, especially when she has been compliant with the demands put on her.

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Braiker on How Manipulators Exploit Vunlerability

From Harriet Braiker's

"Who's Pulling Your Strings"

Protecting Your Vulnerabilities

(Pgs 121-122)

…Here’s the basic rule:

Love, friendship, and goodwill generally feel

safe and uncomplicated; 

whereas manipulation feels
 coercive, confining and entangling.

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Seven Deadly Sins of Manipulators

From Sandy Hotchkiss in

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Why is it Always

About You?

The Seven Deadly Sins of Narcissism

1. Shamelessness

2. Magical Thinking

(A primitive ego defense)

3. Arrogance

4. Envy

5. Entitlement

6. Exploitation

7. Bad Boundaries

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Braiker on the Machiavellian Personality

From Harriet Braiker in

"Who's Pulling Your Strings"

The Machiavellian Personality

One of a few manipulative “Usual Suspects”

(Pg 85-87) 

In the early 1970s, psychologist Richard Christie and his colleagues identified a distinct personality style that is characterized by manipulativeness, cynicism about human nature and shrewdness in interpersonal behavior. Named after the sixteenth-century political philosopher and Italian Prince Machiavelli, this personality style is very nearly synonymous with being a manipulator. 

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Braiker on Motives of Manipulators

From Harriet Braiker's

Who's Pulling Your Strings?

How to Break the Cycle of

Manipulation

and Regain Control

of Your Life

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Confusion About the Manipulator’s True Motives
(Pg 159 – 161)

The confusion that develops in the victim about the manipulator’s motives is often an integral part of the manipulative control… The victim’s confusion is magnified many times over when the manipulation occurs in the context of a family/marital/romantic relationship. In such relationships, there is a general expectation that love and altruism will prevail over the self-centered goals of manipulation. You may not expect those who say they love you to manipulate and exploit you, so you are likely to use the defense mechanism of denial to protect yourself from painful – although ultimately necessary – realizations…

Sometimes the victim’s confusion lies with the manipulator’s carefully disguised motives. Other times the victim’s own denial and fear keep him from recognizing the manipulative methods being used to control him…

Confusion about what the manipulator “really wants” or “truly wants” is the inevitable result of maintaining the silent contract to keep the manipulative agenda hidden or obscured. When direct communication – especially about the power and control dynamics of the relationship – is avoided, the most effective tactic for clarification and for ending or reducing confusion is crippled…

If it serves his or her purposes, a manipulator may well seek to disguise his or her motives simply by lying about them.
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