Not of My Making: Bullying, Scapgoating and Misconduct in Churches -- A Review

The Universality of the Experience

of Spiritual Abuse

I highly recommend Margaret Jones’ “Not of My Making: Bullying, Scapegoating and Misconduct in Churches” for those who are working through a spiritual abuse experience as they sort out and sort through the good and the bad that the process brings. The author carries us into her world and with her through the personal aspects of spiritual abuse, taking us into those aspects of her life that were touched by church bullying and all those aspects of her life that likely paved the way for it. I appreciate the readability of the book but also how she introduces her professional perspective in a way that will not intimidate the layperson because the presentation is so honest. I enjoyed that little glimpse into how a mental health professional approached the experience, communicating to the reader that we are all souls that are vulnerable to manipulation and disappointment whenever we pursue idealistic ends. Neither professional expertise in human behavior nor the principles of the Bible itself can protect us from the cruel aspects of human politics, something we always risk when we cooperate in a community.

As is true of all of these types of personal accounts with psychological manipulation in religious systems, I found myself meditating on how alike we all are as human beings. We basically all desire love, acceptance and transcendence, yet we all experience the fear of taking risks. Doing right often requires a risk, and regretfully, even religious leaders can shrink back from the challenge. I drew much encouragement from the honest moments of choice narrated in the book that are so much a part of walking through the spiritual abuse experience, providing a glimpse into the struggle of deciding to follow what is healthy rather than the path of least resistance. Too many books gloss over the moments of struggle of choice between doing what is healthy and good as opposed to the familiar paths that provide us the opportunity to escape our pain. Some of us drink, some of quit trying, and some of us go fishing to escape the pain of facing our fears and our risk of further rejection for making the mature choices needful for our healing. The author takes us right into many of those painful and critical moments along with her, part of what makes this book so helpful.

We look to religion – that something idealistic and greater than ourselves – in order to make us better people as individuals and to find a sense of community wherein we can contribute with other like-minded people who want to do what we can to make the world a little better. We expect a higher standard and ethical code within those idealistic systems, as well we should. It continues to amaze me how common the experience of disappointment, scapegoating and what is often akin to schoolyard bullying proves to be for the survivor when religious people and systems fall short of that reasonable and high expectation. (Some people never mature beyond the schoolyard playground, a realization that the idealistic and innocent person often fails to recognize until they’ve walked through this disappointment as an adult.) I am amazed that Dr. Jones echoes the common words and expressions that I have heard from others and voiced myself – statements and feelings that must be unique to the experience of “suffering wounds in the house of one’s friends.” Though it may be a right of passage into wisdom, perseverance, and religious maturity as a person of faith, I’m continually amazed at the commonality of the process of the realization of that disappointment. And it is inspiring to see the “Maggie” that the reader comes to know realize some sweet victory and validation, too, giving hope to those who also identify with her struggle and pain.

Sometimes I do not know if this is a result of my own similar experiences rising to the surface, as I felt what I might describe as a sigh of exasperation that prompted me to set the book aside for more than a week before I was able to finish it. I share the experience of childhood sexual abuse and some past struggles of self-destructive behavior that are similar to those described by the author, though these very vivid glimpses into experiences that are carved into her life are not the aspects of the book that I found to be heavy. I felt avoidance and a resistance of the “next shoe dropping” that I anticipated as I read, but this is also a very real part of the PTSD and pessimism that accompany spiritual abuse. The details of the book become a little messy in my mind, calling for my short break from the book, but I also know well how such details become a very real part of the messy experience of traversing this church abuse territory. My own life lacked momentum in the midst of the pressures of my own similar experience, and I would have loved to have laid them down for a respite, too, just as I laid down the book. Perhaps the detail presents an aspect of “pushing and powering through” spiritual abuse to get equity out of the pain might be otherwise unavoidable when writing such an account? In any case, I had to put the book down for a breather and break, but I found that finishing the book was well worth the effort of picking it back up. Ultimately, this adds to the honesty of the account.

I strongly recommend this book for the spiritually abused but also for clergy who might need a broader perspective of this topic from a new vantage. As the author takes us into the process of finding meaning in her disappointment, she looks to the literature on bullying. She points out that when a bully pressures a victim, too often the bystanders say and do nothing to support the victim, perpetuating the bad situation. Studies show that one vocal bystander can often put an end to the situation or can provide enough validation for the victim so that the whole situation can result in a far more favorable outcome for all involved. I found myself thinking of Dr. Zimbardo’s “everyday hero” concept as describes in his book, The Lucifer Effect and Everyday Hero Project effort. Systems can loose balance and promote silence, and we must look to develop our good characters and willingness to be those everyday heroes who will stand up against injustice. “Not of My Making” is such a book that encourages and reminds us that we are all people with the same basic aspirations, pains and fears in life. That should encourage us to all take the deep breath, braving the often unknown pressures from the crowd and the status quo, in order to make a difference for what is good and right.

There are no innocent bystanders in spiritual abuse, and the whole of the group suffers whenever bullying, scapegoating and misconduct takes place in our churches. We just don’t always see the wounds.

My only other note: Be forewarned of some objectionable language noted on page 200, 254, and 317 that occurs as part of the narrative.

Stop by here at the Under Much Grace Blog on May 4th

for a cyber chat with

Dr. Margaret Jones,

the author of "Not Of My Making"

to learn more about the book and about her experience with the

"Matthew 18 Process."

(I will open up moderated comments for the day! Please come by and participate.)

Thought Provoking

Saw another version of this on
Wade Burleson's blog.

Need I say more?


From net_efekt's photostream on Flickr
(Thank you!)






Another good quote from a wise guy with silver hair:

Grace That Runs Well

"For the grace of God... [teaches] us that, denying ungodliness and worldly lusts, we should live soberly, righteously, and godly, in this present world." Like a car battery, grace has a negative and positive side. It will not run on just one effectively.

The old-school grace preachers majored, for the most part, on the negative. But the new-school emphasizes, almost entirely, the positive. The former ends up with a grace-less grace; and the latter sadly ends with a grace that's disgraceful. Grace is limitless when it comes to what a person has done, but it has its limits as to what a person can do.

Grace never condemns, neither does it condone, it simply caresses.

From Richard Sandlin of "Sandlin Says"

A Momentary Break from my Mini-Sabatical...

15Apr09 ADDENDUM:

(aka "Why you should not write hasty posts that you haven't proof read, especially while you have a fever of 102 F and your sinuses feel like they are going to rupture out through your eyeballs!")

Thanks to an astute reader who contacted me via email, in an expression of my disgust for racism and kinism, I originally used the term "miscegenation" in this blog post as the opposite of what it really means. Miscegenation is "race mixing" which I think is a wonderful thing. In so doing in my febrile and hasty error, I originally stated that Vision Forum and those so named are "anti-miscegenation" when they, like me, are indeed pro-miscegenation. I believe I have appropriately corrected this error so that the post correctly reflects the positon of Vision Forum and uses the term accurately! My humble apologies for the confusion/misrepresentation, and I humbly ask forgiveness. (There is only one race in Christ! To Him be all the glory, and I am grateful to allow that glory shine through my obvious weakness here! Ah, well. It keeps me humble. And frankly, I'm disgusted that there is even a 50 cent word needed to describe interracial marriage.)

>>>>>><<<<<<

I don't have much time to spend here at the moment, but I am getting a great deal of email concerning some posts on Vision Forum's blog, asking if I know who Doug Phillips is talking about on the topic of miscegenation. I suppose because I am such a strong critic of Phillips and that I speak out against the following of Confederate Ideology as its own religion that I must be the person they are discussing? I have no idea what goes on in the heads of the patriocentrists, and unlike me, they do not name names. So who knows?

But because I have been answering so many emails, I would like to just be able to simply link to a blog post addressing this.

My problems with Doug Phillips' stance on Confederate Ideology have been well-documented on this blog, and I have specifically addressed my questions about how far Doug, Brad and Howard Phillips take their beliefs because they make no qualifying statements about where their their Confederate Ideology appreciation begins and where it ends specifically. (Note that I have never heard anything racist or remotely so from Howard Phillips who has welcomed Alan Keyes and told a small group of us at a CP meeting that he would offer the VP slot to Keyes if he had not been a new world order supporter. Howard also openly encourages women to get involved in the party and to run for office on the CP ticket.)

If you watch the video presentation of the Patriarchy Workshop, you will also hear me state that I do not believe that patriocentrist are all racists, but that it is confusing because they all seem to hail Dabney as a prophet but do not tell us how far his accurate prophecies extend. All any of these groups need to do is make a definitive and qualifying position statement about race and slavery to clear these matters up. They don't. They name call and declare their critics non-Christian instead. I have stated the same thing about position statements regarding folks like this Chad Degenhart character who is listed as a cofounder of the Kinist Institute that attends James McDonald's church in the Peoria, Illinois area as well as Carmon Friedrich who interacts with several kinists which people find highly confusing. All any group or individual needs to do and should do is make a definitive position statement, usually why people make such position statements. This pro-miscegenation statement (supporting interracial marriage) on the Vision Forum website is really a definitive first. Last week on the True Womanhood blog somewhere on this thread, I stated that I applaud this particular new qualifying statement and look forward to both Voddie Baucham and Doug Phillips making many, many more position statements. That is all I have ever asked for from these groups or questioned, because it is ambiguous and confusing to people.

I would also like to note that in December of 2007, I stated that I knew that Doug Phillips stood against the kinists and was in favor of miscegenation, based upon his actions.

From the post "Perception: A Major Problem for Patriarchy"

The modern patriarchy movement (that which has emerged from within Evangelical Christian circles from within the homeschooling movement) presents some confusing associations because these discrete groups relate to one another without consistency. For instance, Vision Forum publicly denounces specific Kinists, but both groups rely heavily on the writings of the Confederate Presbyterian RL Dabney. Patriarchalists like Doug Wilson embrace the concept of slavery (hopefully as a form of Christian philanthropy and as a solution to the Welfare State). The modern homeschooling movement was pioneered in many ways by Theonomists and Dominionists such as Rousas Rushdoony. The League of the South which supports Agrarianism, at its inception, avoided race-related positions, but later discussed and favored Kinism (though that documentation is no longer available and is now supported only by my personal claims based on my memory of the documentation online). The League of the South supported the Constitution Party candidate for the US Presidency in 2004, and the founder of the party is the father of the founder of Vision Forum who hails RL Dabney as a prophet. The Family Integrated Church (FIC) Movement draws from the ideology of Confederate Presbyterian writings like those of RL Dabney and BM Palmer, but individual FICs may or may not be kinist or pro-slavery (though many are). And on and on it goes.

Along with many others, I find this all highly confusing, and discussion of these matters calls for caution. I noted that in the blog post, too! ;)

I understand that Doug Phillips has taken heat from kinists because he very publicly gave money to RC Sproul, Jr. so that RC could finance an adoption of a new baby that just turned out to have black skin. The kinists that attended RC's church became very upset and retaliated against both RC and Phillips for this, and I understand this is why they were so interested in supporting and aiding Jennifer Epstien in putting together the "Jen's Gems" blog. (I did not realize that the Epstiens had anything to do with kinists until several months after participating on her blog, showing open support for her. I am highly inclined to believe this now, as I've been sent links from her children's blogs after the nomination of Obama. One had foul language and racial names, and the other child's blog had photos of the White House lawn with monkeys and KFC chicken all over the lawn. Sorry, I did not save the disgusting links.) I also understand that Vision Forum used and benefited from information that I helped reveal online pertaining to this kinist-Epstien connection, and they really should be more grateful for my contributions to the debate.

So actually, as I stated online a week or so ago, I've long known that Phillips is openly anti-kinist, but I know that he had preached to small groups that he is pro-slavery, viewing slavery as a benevolent institution that will cure our economic woes. What we do not know and something I bring up in my yet unanswered list of questions to Voddie Baucham is how Doug will figure out who gets to be a slave? Dabney did so based not only on culture but also on race and was quite racist. And since commenting on my own blog piece noted above, I have learned that in the late '60s and early '70s, RJ Rushdoony did make anti-miscegenation statements, so the kinists can and do rightfully claim him as one of their own. Even people who worked for Rushdoony in the '90s had no idea of this position, but Rushdoony, though not a legalist, did have his racial problems. He was a descendant of proud parents from Armenia, and he had issues with the Holocaust and with the mixing of races in marriage. He was also from a different age, the same age as my own grandfather, and the social rules were different and do not constitute ones that are appropriate for our day. But they were common beliefs for those in Rushdoony's age group. As someone who is not a black and white thinker, I can note this about Rushdoony also without repudiating the things that I did appreciate about him, though I think he was very wrong in his earlier writings concerning race.

Please refer to this post about my questions regarding the confusing Vision Forum connections to Confederate Ideology and the Constitution Party HERE with an index of all of the posts I have written on this topic HERE. I also address issues with Rushdoony in those posts.

So to reiterate, I do applaud Vision Forum's and Voddie Baucham's definitive statement on an issue I never raised specifically as an issue with Vision Forum (only where they draw the line with Dabney's statements on race and slavery). I also look forward to more clarifications from groups like the Constitution Party continues and whether Doug Phillips still supports the League of the South since they made pro-kinist statements as an organization. I've never even called the Constitution Party racist at any time, though they do tend to attract racists, likely much the way Doug Phillips' writings are applauded and in high demand with the Moonies because of the rigid and extreme patriarchy and evangelism through birthing larger numbers of covenant children. I don't think that makes Vision Forum pro-moonie, but it does point out that they have common interests. If it is a matter of concern, all they need to is point to their statement of faith, a definitive position statement that clarifies concerns. They can then deny and readily shoot down any false claims about what they believe and don't believe, hopefully living out their position statements as well.

If I am in any way a factor in recent polemic and ad hominem comments from Vision Forum or Doug Phillips specifically, it is more likely that they are inflamed about my publishing of documentation from a creditor of James McDonald and Homeschooling Today Magazine, confirming that James went 4 years without attempting to pay a $75,000 balance for printing costs. [I was required to retract the published statement, but if anyone is interested in the actual emails from the printer, I would be happy to forward them.] Per typical patriocentric form, they are using threats of legal action and apparently legal strong arming to squelch criticism. I was told on the phone that James approached the printer, asking to settle the debt for only pennies on the dollar, and the printer refused. I assume this the spin that the McDonalds claim was the company's refusal to take only a small payment against this debt as opposed to full payment, something I guess the McDonalds refer to as the printers supposed refusal to "accept James' payment plan."

The patriocentrists are merely "circling wagons" and "closing ranks" in the face of the facts, and I was forwarded an email last week where Bill Roach of CHEC say that they stand behind the McDonalds and see nothing that would preclude them from presenting at homeschooling conventions. I have also linked to the testimony of Richard Guenther that has reappeared online, not only corroborating that there was a debt owed to HST's printer but that the deeds of those affiliated with HSLDA (including Gregg Harris and Doug Phillips, too) are not so glowing.

They are also likely upset that I have posted documentation and links here that demonstrate that Geoff Botkin came from the Bible-based cult called "Great Commission Ministries" (one of their many incorporated names, the Shepherding-Discipleship brainchild of cult leader Jim McCotter). Botkin advocates a retreat/permanent relocation of faithful homeschoolers to New Zealand. At least it's prettier than Guyana! I also demonstrated, thanks to corroboration from Don Veinot, that Voddie Baucham narcissisticly misrepresented me on his blog in his campaign against Southern Baptists with whom he apparently has conflict. In response, Voddie Baucham did not show Christian behavior with me when this validation of the truth by Veinot was made known. When he thought I was wrong, he was apologetic, and when he realized he was wrong, he shut down all communication? I am glad that he corrected the problem in his November '08 blog post, but he did inaccurately attribute a statement to the MBTS president, using this as a swat at both MBTS and me. (Please see the above link for other links to Baucham's blog, etc.)

So I look forward to the next position clarification to appear on the Vision Forum website! Better the pressure to be forthright and clear come from Christians than from the world, I say. And I am always thrilled when people stand up against what I believe is outright racism. Vision Forum's presentation of the issue was quite good, actually. I could not have done better myself. I applaud it!

Given that I have never called these folks racist, nor have I praised Lincoln on this blog, and as a former attendant of some League of the South meetings myself, I wonder to whom Phillips refers in his bombastic comment about a "kook brigade"? ! ;)

Empty Graves

The other day a loved one of mine mentioned that they would be driving only about 15 miles away from the cemetery where my grandparents are buried. This is significant, because my grandfather bought burial plots for our extended family on the day that I was born, as it seemed certain that my grave would be needed before the end of the week. I told this loved one of mine that if they knew where to find the plot, they should go find it and rejoice that I am not in it. It occurred to me the last time that I was there that I might like to have a stone there to declare that I am alive. I am also reminded of the time my grandfather spoke of the strange lady he ran into on that hillside one day who talked about how her son, killed at a young age, would one day rise up out of that ground to meet the Lord in the air, per the writings of the Apostle.

It is humbling for me to walk in any cemetery to realize just what I’ve been given – a second life after aspiration pneumonia at birth with seizures non-stop for days and ventilator dependent, all sure signs of brain damage that could have only rendered me dead or in a vegetative state should I survive. But I recovered and was sent home from the hospital in miraculous good health when I was 14 days old. The now late Forrest Moyer who eventually became head of pediatrics at that hospital stayed by my side in the intensive care unit for the first three nights after my birth while the seizures raged. All while my Godfather’s aunt Aida prayed for my healing, along with her United Pentecostal Church, all of whom “prayed through” for me (a sometimes loaded language phrase often used in Pentecostal circles). How odd it is that I know this just from my history and remember none of it myself, yet I know that I escaped my own early grave by Gods grace, His unmerited favor. We should all examine our lives to see if we are living them as we should, but I have an extra impetus – a miracle and my yet vacant gravesite.

A few years ago, I visited Ireland with my mom and my husband, and we stopped at Clonmacnoise ("meadow of the sons of Nos"), a sixth century monastery founded by Ciaran ("the Younger," one of the Twelve Apostles of Ireland) along the banks of the River Shannon. On the tour there, the guide explained that the Celtic Crosses were often used by missionaries to share the Gospel by engraving them with depictions of characters from the Word. Celtic Crosses also serve as gravestones, and we wandered through the cemetery there, looking at many of them, particularly the “Cross of the Scriptures.” Our guide also told us of the many times the Vikings came down the Shannon to attack, tearing down and destroying the monastery more times than I can remember. No wonder the depiction of Saint Ciaran seen as you enter the grounds there appears with his head bowed down as he stands. He labored every time to rebuild the grounds that the Vikings destroyed a ridiculous number of times. Ciaran rebuilt every time, far more times than I would have ever dreamed of doing. And not all that far from that site, my remote Mullen ancestors, tonsured Irish scribes, penned their “Book of Mulling,” copies of the four Gospels that were used for evangelism and missionary work in the 8^th Century.

Most of what appears here on this blog consists of what the Gospel is not as opposed to what it is. I wish that my niche had been to pen the Scriptures for missions work, an 8^th century pocket Gospel instead of 21^st Century information about spiritual abuse. But it is not the 8^th century anymore, and I am not One of St. Ciaran’s or St. Mullins’ monks. But I ask myself as I celebrate the empty tomb of Jesus tomorrow whether I have rightly honored Him in the living of my life. I pray that in the final summation of things that I will have carved my own proverbial “Crosses of the Scriptures” and will have penned many of my own proverbial “Books of Mulling” along the way, work that shows forth the Word of God and not my own strength or self. May I be as zealous as Ciaran to continue to tenaciously rebuild what has been destroyed. May what lasts and stands be a lasting testimony of grace, a proverbial marker for my own empty grave that the Lord has given me out of His unmerited favor – one that points to the empty tomb of Jesus.

In college, I picked up a book of motivational quotes one day, something that I was not studying, but something that came to my attention. I found a quote in that has long stuck in my head for more than 20 years that said “What if the dream come true, what if the dream come true? And millions unknown come to dwell in the place I have shaped in my heart?” (I do not remember the author of the quote.) Though I trust that God takes all that I have done and works it into something that brings Him glory, I hope to honor Him above all things in so doing. May my dreams ever be that as many who will shall come to know Him and His Resurrection, to taste and see that He is good. May the place I have shaped in my heart with my words be a place of refuge for the fugitive and a place of truth that directs others to the Word of God and to the freedom offered to us in Christ through His sacrifice. At least, I aspire to such. May it be so, more and more.

Under Much Grace Plans and Housekeeping

My plans for upcoming posts include finishing a walk through the topics in James Sire's 1980 book "Scripture Twisting" for a review of standard ways that cults and Christians misinterpret the Bible, sometimes intentionally and sometimes just through ignorance.

In a week or two, Dr. Margaret Jones will be stopping by here on her book tour for her work, "Not of My Making." (I may even consider opening up commentary, as she has much experience with the Matthew 18 process.)

I plan to review Doug and Wendy Duncan's recent radio interview discussing spiritual abuse (see below). In addition, I would like to take some sections out of Wendy's book at some point and feature them here, too. And when I finish these tasks, I would like to go through my impressions about Kathryn Joyce's "Quiverfull" book which I have found to be slow going thus far. It is well-written, but I get stuck on some errors in the material and the secular perspective that does not do justice to a balanced Christian perspective, presenting only an unbalanced view of some important Christian concepts.

By that time, Wade Burleson's book should be out and available, another topic I'd like to feature, discussing his experiences dealing with the authoritarianism and politically correct behavior as dictated by the International Missions Board of the Southern Baptist Convention. And also on my list, I've still got the Henry Reyenga book on family discipleship and evangelism, sitting on my to be read shelf with Sande's "Peacemaker" and Andy Stanley's book on "visioneering." I've read them once through, but they deserve some closer attention and some blog discussion. Then there's that new Norm Shepherd book, debating the ongoing dilemmas of interpretation of "making our election sure," the relationship between works and faith and how different theologians have tried to articulate what that means for Christians in their daily walks. That should take me through until August, right?

But for the next week or two, I'm taking a bit of a break to to some literal housekeeping! I also am in the process of moving all material that is posted on the www.undermuchgrace.com site over to a blogger site after repeated problems with the server that hosts the site. So I will be devoting less time to discussions online in order to do what is essentially housekeeping both on and offline. I've also noticed that several graphics that I've posted here in the past have disappeared, so I have this matter to look into as well.


In the meanwhile, there are plenty of places to read and participate in some interesting discussions.

Taunya Henderson has started a series on the raising of daughters from what I gather is a medium to hard complementarian view.

You can listen to the Duncan interview online HERE.

Wade Burleson is ramping up for the release of his book with related posts on his blog and has promised us several more posts on spiritual abuse.

John Holtzmann (co-owner of Sonlight Curriculum) is working his way through the CHEC audio from the Men's Leadership Summit 2009. Read Parts I and Parts II, and check for continuing installments.

Thatmom Karen Campbell just finished a series with the Moore Academy's Ellen Dana and is starting a series of interviews with Dr. Raymond and Mrs. Dorothy Moore's daughter Kathie Kordenbrock about homeschooling, the Moore Formula and here experiences as a homeschooling mom. There's even a contest to win for commenting on the upcoming podcasts. Her "Grace in Parenting" series is also very good, and I am waiting for future installments in this ongoing series.

Cheryl Schatz has posted some thought-provoking entries on how the Apostle Paul might perceive modern discussions about gender.

And we also have the some new and ongoing activity on many other blogs, some new and some old, as women work their way through some of the difficulties they have experienced as a result of contending with spiritually abusive mindsets. The "No Longer Quivering" site breaks my heart.

• Taliban Rising
• White Washed Feminists
• Quivering Daughters
• No Longer Quivering (a couple of moms who threw in the towel on the Quiverfull movement and apparently Jesus, something I hear talked about but many are yet afraid to voice their opinions about their disillusionment with the ideology. I've also talked to many Protestants who want to go back to Catholicism because it is easier and there is less that is demanded of them. The rules don't change as often and there are no new hoops through which to jump to find themselves acceptable.)